Slept and Kept Sleeping

Bad day. The last day for steroids. Yes, the pain is a lot less body wide but my brain can’t handle this high dosage of steroids. Rage is what I feel, rage.

I saw Snow for a moment but I don’t know why she was here. She was here for just a minute. She said she’d be back but when she came back I was asleep and she didn’t want to wake me.

I’m really sleepy.

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To sleep with a quiet mind

Sunflowers in the Sea SOLD

Sunflowers in the Sea SOLD

I find writings and paintings all the time that another personality has created. Recently I’ve not seen too many art pieces but I have seen scribbled writings posted on the corkboard, and here on the blog. I know there’s been night activity by a younger alter because I’ve awakened twice in a weeks time now with no clothing.

How do I know it’s an alter and not simply that I took my clothes off and forgot? I’ve been in therapy for a while now. We are taught triggers, we are taught to be self observant and to be responsible for our actions and reactions. I’ve been in therapy for a very long time. I’ve been in the habit of being myselves even longer.

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The Girl Who Doesn’t Scream

The windows were open but I didn’t stop to think about that. I just screamed. I screamed as loud as possible “I hate you!” then screamed at the top of my lungs! I wanted to slice my arms to shreds.

Yes, that kind of anger and hatred is in me but it’s usually controlled.

I may feel like screaming sometimes but I don’t give in. This time it didn’t matter. It just didn’t matter. I screamed and then went to bed.

This evening instead of self harm I took a shower. It was 1am or so but I took a nice shower with lavender soap and lavender oil I make myself. It wasn’t planned but it helped.

Today I changed the water in the fish tank and the frog’s tank. I brushed Jane. I wrote down a few tea recipes and talked to Snow. I see Dr D Monday afternoon. Wednesday is physical therapy.

J

Apartment. Body. Mind.

There are a few choices to be made including what apartment I’ll live in June 2017.

May 5th the Etsy store will close. I’ve got one custom doll to make then I’m done selling over there. I will purchase from there but no longer will I sell my art from there.

I have a long term goal to reach and I really want to do it. I really, really want it. There’s a framed version of the credentials on my wall. I want it, yet I say I want to die. Clearly, I just want this level of pain to stop.

My pain is less but my anger is now fueled by very high doses of steroids. My depression and suicidal thoughts are fueled by high doses of steroids and my desire to keep this insanity going has been spent! I AM TIRED. God help me. I am tired.

Yes, I am suicidal and yes I still have goals, stuff I want to do….. yet it’s getting harder to live in my skin, in my mind. There is rage in the center of my heart.

J

 

Landfall Abstract Ocean Scene

This entry shows art two art pieces with a purpose. Rise, fall if I must. Stand to meet the challenge. What’s the challenge? I’ve got to get a hold of my stinking thinking. I have to change my outlook one single color at a time if necessary. While writing I felt a sense of urgency and desperation. I could all but see myself at a door grabbing the handle and pulling it, ripping at.

Lets talk more about the art at the root of these emotions.

Landfall

Landfall

Creating non objective abstract art started with a self challenge in June of 2014. I really wanted to create some of the beautiful art I was seeing, but it didn’t think I had it in me to do that type of art. When I first challenged myself I said I’d do 10 paintings. I wasn’t looking forward to it because it was as if I had no idea where to start, let alone know how to finish.

Though I’m still learning, I can say I have left behind the anxiety. I enjoy it creating non-objective abstract art. I find it soothing to create and I actually feel I know when to start. As a matter of fact I start non-objective abstract such as “Landfall” the same way I begin other art, with a single stroke.

I don’t think too hard and I sure don’t plan ahead. When it comes to art, if I plan ahead then I’m planning for a disaster. I start art with one single stroke and go from there. I paint from the hip…..not literally because that would be uncomfortable. My next challenge with abstracts is to paint them larger.  Continue reading

Making New Dimensions

Making  DimensionsMaking New Dimensions is an abstract line drawing of a spinning propeller. The propeller creates impressions in a confirmed reality. In those impressions you may see wings of birds, flower petals, bridges and blue fish.

I tend to add eyes to my art because of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am always on guard, always aware of my surroundings. Like much of my art, I created this piece to express something needed. I need a new outlook. I need a better attitude concerning my situation. The painting called “New Dimensions” shows a propeller forcing its way through, in the gaps it leaves I can begin to plant better soil for stronger roots. I want to get up from this depression. I know in my heart the first step to doing this is to change my thinking to a more positive outlook.

Title: Making New Dimensions
Art by: Faith M. Austin
Size: 4 x 7 inches
Medium: Ink and marker drawing on heavy artist paper,
Finish: left natural with no seal, unmounted
Style: Abstract, Organic Continue reading

Butterfly Embellishments

Ohhhh I’ve been having fun.

I have dried leaves that I use in different art projects. The other day I decided to try to cut a butterfly out of the dried leave. It worked!!

Butterfly Leaves
Then I began cutting butterflies out of what I like to call, art gone wrong. It’s the art piece that didn’t make sense to keep working on but could be used in different ways. Sometimes I’ll use my exacto knife and remove parts of the art I want to keep like figures, flowers, shading, on and on. This week I decided to cut butterflies from pieces of art gone wrong. I like how they turned out.

Purple Royal

Purple Royal Set

Butterflies are enchanting by nature, festive, cheerful and inspirational.
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Heather – Greed and Mercy

The flowering Original Sundrip SOLD

The flowering Original Sundrip SOLD

Heather,

I realized my comment on your post was soooo long that I thought I’d write the entry then go ahead and link back to you. The entry is called Something Different. It can be found on the blog by HA! called Alley Vision. Please visit her, you will not regret it.

The first time I read the entry Something Different I was angry, as a matter of fact I didn’t finish the entry. I couldn’t see anything beyond the pain I was in. I read it as you being on a preaching tour. I couldn’t see the real words because my pain level was just too high. Now that I CAN SEE the words but they’re a little obscured by grateful tears for your expressions.

I know you get it. I’ve known you for a good long time. Most of all, I know you understand that the US government is willing to make addicts and treat them but they aren’t willing to help ease the physical pain that takes over our entire being. It changes the way we think, the way we deal with others, the way we feel about our future. It changes our attitude that may have once been hopeful to one that is cynical and snappish. It changes you, until it lifts, and then like a dog, we go crawling to our friends with our tail between our legs to apologize for things we said while under the influence of pain (UTI-P). How many times have I crawled to apologize or to clean up a mess while UTI-P? More than I care to count.

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Heather – Greed. Weed. Medical Cache

DISCLAIMER:
This is gentle reminder to take care of yourself properly and do not read blogs such as mine for treatment suggestions. I’m not offering advice, I’m responding to a blog entry of a long time friend. Please remember to speaking with a knowledgeable person before trying supplements and herbs. You will cause more damage to an already upset living situation if you introduce a contradictory herb or supplement to your health profile. Those with a chemical imbalance in the brain or otherwise, those with an autoimmune disorder, diabetes, kidney or liver damage and those with digestive issues should be very, very careful when introducing supplements without proper information. Supplements and herbs are medicine. Please respect them as such. 

I’m attempting to manage life with herbs, roots and movement. At times it helps but there are flares that seem to last forever. Still, I’ve made the beneficial choice to be 99% narcotic free. There are times when a narcotic is needed and I’ll take it. In my typical fashion of documenting things, I’ve written down the 3 times that a narcotic was used and the amount. I also use art and what I call Tea Time to manage life with multiple chronic illnesses. Here are some of the other items in my medical treasure chest that have proven helpful.

The Flowering 2010 - Sundrip on Redbubble

The Flowering 2010 – Sundrip on Redbubble

1. I’ve been using ginger and turmeric teas on a daily basis. This has to be done with food because they’ll mess up your stomach.

2. I use green tea and different roots instead of commercial blood thinners.

3. I use fresh garlic, quality cinnamon and raw organic honey to support my immune system.

4. I have a time daily when I sit down and relax quietly. I call this Tea Time.

5. I do daily exercises, stretches and yoga which are specific to my issues. These stretches have been shown to me during an in person physical therapy sessions.

6. I’ve reduced the amount of time I wear my TLSO brace because the brace can make the back muscles weak if worn too often.

However, I think the biggest assistance for me is my medicinal teas and the knowledge I’ve gained from a professional who has shown me how to use them. I’ve had an allergic reaction to one tea that put me in the hospital so I stay away from it and those like it, however, for the most part I find teas, tinctures and herbs to be helpful and legal.

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