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Wow. Since the weather changed to 'bury y'all in snow' I've done nothing but sleep. I can't wake up. I'm not in a lot of pain but I can't wake up... or keep my food down. This happens from time to time though I'm not certain why. I get nauseated and nothing sounds good except toast or saltine crackers.

I'm in bed, too lazy to reach and turn on the heated blanket. Lazy! I'd rather roll right back over and go back to sleep. Lol

My ideal evening would include pot roast, garlic bread and beer with some painting to cap off the night. However, it's reasonable to conclude that crackers and hydration are on the menu. Turning in early is a certainty.

Faith

6

Gracious! These people are going to drive me crazy! First off they don't show up but when they do, they can't take me anywhere or run errands bc 9 times out of 10 they have no car insurance! The last CNA sent had no license and no insurance. You know the level of irresponsibility of that? My goodness!

So today the woman showed an hour late w no car insurance, so she couldn't even go to the store for me to get a few items. Then she complained that it would take her too long to do the laundry so she asked to go home instead of stay and work. Soooo, no shower, no laundry, no mail and no meal prep. What are they doing other than charging my insurance for work not completed? I'm so mad today I can't see straight.

You know what I don't get either? I don't understand these young people who don't know how to use measuring spoons and cups. It is foreign to them. Completely foreign.

I'm so irritated right now I can't even see straight. Before this is over I'm going to be huffing lavender straight from the bottle!

Ok so therapy went fine. We talked about the triggers from my upstairs neighbor who finally moved. He's gone but the upset is deep. It was hard listening to him scream for hours deep into early morning hours. That's over which means I may get some peace from my neighbors here on out. I hope so.

Me

My heart is no longer as desperate as in my youth. I'm not willing to trade everything for a partner.

I had a long conversation with the new CNA about marrying a man I really didn't know because my heart was so desperate to be loved. I told her because it was important information to pass on. Talking about huge mistakes like that can help others not to feel so different and alienated. She kept looking at me like, Oh my goodness, but many times she could relate. That was the point, help her relate.

We talked about how much emotional abuse took place and how cruel his words were. And yet I took those blows, one after the other. I was so desperate to be loved that failing in the marriage seemed worse than the abuses I was suffering. How could I face people who already think of me as nothing and unlovable, broken? How could I endure the words of my mother and the smurk on her face? At that time I couldn't. I made the decision to stay and that decision had serious consequences.

Desperation leads the heart to do dangerous things! I stopped thinking logical and symbolically followed behind him, pledging loyalty all the way.

I was just a child when I ran into my husband, a pained child. Now I take my position as an adult and speak. I will strengthen myself and others.

Faith

1

hate life renewed energy Sundrip

I Can Keep Going was drawn by Robert (19) with writing by Michelle (12).

What stands out in this piece for me is the brick wall on the shoulders of the largest figure. We are feeling a lot of pressure right now.

I like how Michelle processes things: This is how I feel. This is the reality. This is supporting truth.

I've not been suicidal but life has felt like a burden, emotionally and physically painful. Several factors played into not getting enough sleep so that was a problem, too. Each day is a struggle that feels like a losing battle but the reality is I've made progress and I'm moving forward in many healthier ways. I slip up, like the other day with self harm, but I also put in place safety plans and try to find ways to help myself. Lavender in the nose and on my feet has helped tremendously, so has the art sketchbook. It feels like a losing battle but it is not. I know I can keep going, and I will.

The art piece was created in watercolor and is 7.5 x 10 inches on 98lb paper.

Robert

words fma

Content: Suicide. Blood. Emotional angst.

Cruel Words was painted by several of us. What strikes me is how affected I was by the suicide of the CNA's friend.

In the drawing there are heads blown off the people in the trees. That's a first for drawings and hopefully the last. I know the kids inside were very affected by the suicide. Having her cry in our arms that way was very heavy.

I fired my regular CNA who had cruel words for me. Anxiety is already high for us, we don't need to worry about the mouth of our CNA and what she will say that'll hurt.

The grumpy CNA is pregnant with three weeks left. It is entirely possible that her change of attitude is purely hormonal, however, the irritability and weariness she caused couldn't be tolerated. It is also true that I can't justify asking an 8 month pregnant woman to lift my wheelchair and take me to the doctor. I feel horrible asking her to do my laundry or run the sweeper. The girl is tired and irritable! Dang!!!

I like her but the change in her isn't safe for my personal issues, ya know? I talked to her about why I fired her and she said she knows she's hormonal and understands. I even told her it's about time to take maternity leave because she can't be at my house when her water breaks. lol. I can't handle that. I don't know nothin about birthin no babies.

Firing my CNA was the right thing to do. I was walking on eggshells in my own home and that can't be. So, on to the next chapter in the CNA Saga.

The art piece was created in watercolor and is 7.5 x 10 inches on 98 lb paper.

Robert

2

Fish Face Insanity by Sundrip

My neighbor has Schizophrenia. A different neighbor says it's not a mental illness but that he has demons. She inaccurately applied Scripture, which I quickly corrected, but its still on my mind and still bothers me.

She has no idea what comments like that do to a person with a mental illness. Though I corrected her, its not my job nor is it my desire to be the grand educator. I don't want to sit down the ignorant and set them straight, I just want to fight my battle without their words spinning in my universe.

When she said he has demons I thought to myself, she should never find out that I have Multiple Personality Disorder! That for sure would make her think I have Legions of demons in me.

disolve by robert Sundrip

When younger my mother used to tell me that my demons were upsetting her. My mother knew I had DID when I was at least a young teenager. She knew Morton by name and called him a demon. She said I'm possessed because of being a bad person. That too has stayed with me. I fight with the thought, that I'm a bad person, but I no longer fight the fear of having demons. My mother's reason for saying it wasn't ignorant beliefs it was cruelty and abuse. My sister knew I had others, too. She used to call out a young one to play. I don't know if she still remembers that or not.

You know, I got to thinking, mental illness isn't for the weak or ignorant. A person with a mental illness has to be one of the strongest people around because we have to fight tooth and nail just to keep our head above water. Then you add life events with it and you've got yourself one serious storm. We are not weak for having a mental illness, not even close.

The drawings included were created in the last few days as a way to survive myself.

Robert

I yelled at someone today. I was frazzled and shaken by recent events. She applied a tiny bit of pressure and off I went. I must have looked crazy bc after I started talking to my regular CNA and burst into tears!

Right now I feel like I have to be very careful about what I do bc I'm raw. I'm more upset about my grandmother's death than I realized. It seems I have less emotional control right after I wake from dreams. Dreams are influenced right now by her death and by my neighbor's mental illness that has spilled over to other residents. The screaming is that of a horror show! So, when I awaken from whatever nightmare, I'm more likely to show my own mental health issues and humanity.

Last night in the dream I protected myself verbally from physical assault by the aunt w Leukemia. I reminded her that I am an adult and she will not put her hands on me. It was at "the house", the one that should be razed to the ground.

Lavender bear

I've taken night meds and feel sleepy. I've also got Bernhardt who smells of lavender. I should get enough sleep this evening. Let's hope for quality sleep, too.

Oh yeah. I remembered something I used to have that I definitely need to replace. I used to burn candles all the time! For security reasons I need some but for the flicker and calm, I gotta have it. It'll be payday soon and I'll narrow down what I want to buy lol Right now I'm like, I want. I want. I want. I'll narrow my list and we'll see.

Jordan

4

Content: Anxiety. No self harm. Fill in CNA's friend committed suicide. Regular CNA troubles.

The day has been mostly good but with a lot of anxiety. We seemed to manage it better though. There was an instance when we wanted to cut but Michelle said rather quietly, "May I have some lavender?" We promptly put it in our nose and on our feet to help relax us immediately. I was so pleased she asked for assistance.

Here's some of her artwork throughout the entry.

My regular CNA is on holiday vacation which means I've had a fill in for two days. The first day went fine but today the fill in CNA checked her Facebook status and found out one of her friends killed himself. She lost it right here so I held her while she cried. She left in tears an hour after arriving. I can only shake my head at the amount of drama brought in this house by CNA's. It's not her fault her friend killed himself but dang, I should not hold my CNA like a child while she weeps, but I did.

Tomorrow my regular CNA returns and she's going to be rather upset with me because I spoke to her supervisor about some of the things she's been saying to me that are totally out of line. I talked to her about being on time and she told me if I didn't like her showing up late I could get someone else. (Sigh) I told her she was 20 min late to her shift and it mattered especially since she doesn't stay to make up that time. She said, I was here at 9 am but I stayed in the car to eat my breakfast. (Sigh)

The other day she told me my meal smelled bad. She said, "This stinks!" Then when she was putting Miracle Whip on my sandwich she told me her family doesn't eat Miracle Whip and that it "stinks!" (Sigh) I talked to her supervisor. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring but that's okay because today isn't over and today is half way decent. Despite holding a sobbing, pregnant, fill-in CNA whose friend killed himself, despite interrupted sleep, I've had a decent day. I think the best thing is knowing that Michelle is aware that she can ask for help when she needs it.

I've got enough lavender to last until the end of the month, then I'll hit up Amazon for a large bottle of it.

I wonder why CBD oil doesn't work for my anxiety? I've switched from Medical Marijuana (MMJ) to CBD oil and CBD isolate but they do nothing, zero, zip, for anxiety. I don't think the MMJ did much for my anxiety either. It helped with pain but it didn't do much for Michelle.

I've sipped tea, let Michelle paint and have done some relaxation techniques to manage the symptoms. Right now the anxiety is pretty high so I'm going to get off here and put some lavender in my nose and on my feet. Time to sip some tea and maybe do a little reading. I've still got a few hours left in this day and I plan to survive them well. I think I'll make a sandwich, a large, stinky sandwich.

Jordan

1

I slept a lot and read a lot, slept more and read more. That's all I've done. My neighbor has been quiet the whole time! When I say I slept, I mean I slept hard, drooling and all on these lavender scented pillows. I added oil to them. It's a beautiful scent.


It's been a healing sort of day, the type that goes deep inside and is a gift of peace. I can't tell you how much I needed it! I feel refreshed. Like someone came in and cleaned my inner windows.


Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but today has been a gift that is much appreciated and on time.

Michelle I got some painting time in yesterday as did I. I hope to revisit my piece later. This day isn't over.

Jordan

1

As one can imagine, last night was rather rough. I believe I came to a pass where I refused to accept anymore stress that eats me up and spits me out.

Depression flattens me on my back, anger makes me get up and move. Last night I got up and moved. I moved past the laying in bed immobile point to trying to figure out how to get a handle on things. My first weapon is aromatherapy, lavender.

Before the bomb went off (health issues) I had a house full of smelly good things. Lavender was everywhere and it helped me quite a bit. I even had it in my carpet because I figured if I fell and was down there a bit I'd at least have comfort. I need to bring lavender back in my life in a huge way.

In recent days I've been using my lavender oil reserve in my humidifier which helps relax me very much. I've got just enough to make it through the month then I'm going to have to stock up from Amazon. I hear the NOW brand is pretty good so I thought I'd try it out. It's also in my price range. What I use on my foot is from Young Living and it isn't cheap stuff by any means. I've been getting it for $10-$15 off w/ no shipping which makes it more affordable, but I'll be dag on if I put it in the humidifier. I sometimes put too many drops in the humidifier so that even my neighbors are relaxed. lol.

I wonder if I could help my poor neighbor by accidentally putting too much Peace and Calming in the humidifier which is placed by a shared vent. Anyway! The man didn't stop screaming until 3am. I didn't get to sleep until 8am and had to be up at 10am. Hard night for sure but made easier with lavender.

Back to my own issues.....Before the health bomb I changed my sheets every Monday then spritzed them with homemade lavender spray. I used fresh lavender in water then lightly sprayed the sheets and pillows with it. I need to get back to that.

I made my own lavender infused oil which I can now do again because I've finally replaced the equipment that didn't make the move. This isn't the kind of oil I can put in my humidifier though, it's the kind that can be ingested for anxiety relief as well as used in my hair. I use a French Press to press out the lavender flowers and get that beautiful, strong scent. It's wonderful stuff.

Of course there's lavender tea. I found that lavender infused Earl Grey is wonderful. It was an accident but man I love that stuff. I also love Earl Grey with raspberry leaves.

By way of my tea collection I have an arsenal of weapons against anxiety. I remember that now and will do what needs to be done to sip and humidify my way to less stress. Lavender in many forms has it's rightful place in my weapons cache.

This isn't going to be easy. Anxiety seems at war with me. It wants to eat me up, destroy my happy spirit. Right now, I'm a bit too angry to lay down and take it.

Jordan

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