I’m about to go AWOL. There’s so much that needs to be done before I start physical therapy AGAIN. I also have a minor surgery to deal with on the 4th with a follow up appointment on the 7th. There’s a lot to get done. I’m not up for it. lol.
I have three lectures to complete and I need to finish up a few odds and ends. There’s no new art ready to post but I do have a few art pieces on Redbubble that are now high resolution. These originals have been sold, but are still original pieces to choose from in the Etsy gallery. Click the links provided or check the sidebar for both links.
I will attempt to get around to visit blogs very soon, including new ones I’ve subscribed to. I have the email subscription updates so I’ll click on those and check on everyone.
In two years time I’ll have this piece of paper I really, really want. When that’s in my hand I will no longer post writings on the internet. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s just change. Actually, it’ll be totally awesome.
Despite health concerns I’m still going for each goal that I’ve set for myself. My health is crappy, no news there, but I’m still around when by all rights I shouldn’t be. So while I’m still here I’ll be that girl who wastes little time and takes little for granted.
When I said I was going to close down The People Behind My Eyes which had been running since 2002, there was warranted skepticism. Eventually the step was taken and I’m glad for it. It made this site easier to manage, it made art easier to catalog and display. It made my voice clearer I think. I stopped hiding so much of why I painted what I painted. That was nice. I always felt that I was free to say what I wanted on the journal but held back on the art side of things. To keep the name TPBME, I just created a category. I don’t hold back when speaking about my art and why it was created.
That’s the song I listened to for a good year, “You’ve Got a Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman. That song influenced and emboldened me to leave an abusive family for good.
“Leave tonight or live and die this way.” Those words were so, so true. I wasn’t like my sister. I didn’t fall in line very easily. I was quiet. I was shy but I had nearly every part of the quiet child ripped out of me. That’s when I became a kid with nothing to lose. I can’t say how many times I bucked when the easier way would have been to buckle. I ended up being a spirited runt known for a smart mouth.
It was no fun being the runt. I was second to the youngest living relative and I was a lot shorter than everyone else, including the youngest cousin. Grandmother was an even six feet, Mother was 5’11. I maxed out at 5’4. There’s a song they used to sing, “Short people got no reason to live.” That’s actually a song and I heard it non-stop. Cups were placed high so I had to jump at them to get one. I couldn’t use a chair or a stool. They left no stone unturned and abused at every turn. They were cruel and sadistic. I think of the extent to which we were all abused and wonder how on earth we lived through it.
What I know for certain is this, had I stayed I’d be in the same boat as my sister. I’d still believe the things I was taught. I would have never tasted freedom. That is painful, when a person is never, ever free and the true understanding of it is abstract, it’s sad and painful.
Since the day I was no longer living in my mother’s home I’ve had opportunities to questions beliefs about myself, about her, about the family dynamics, about the opposite sex and about women. I’ve had opportunities to heal wounds instead of have the scab picked off so a deeper wound could be inflicted. Being away from her and that family is the only way I was able to scrape off years of corrosive ideas about myself and the world.
all i have to do is get myself to not send a text and i’m sure i’ll never hear from ‘family’ again. all i have to do is erase my aunt’s phone number off my phone and never look it up again. yeah, that’s all.
i was supposed to go in to see my therapist today but i had a conflict in scheduling. i had an appointment scheduled for me to renew my insurance. it’s at the time of my therapy appointment.
i want to lie down. i want to just go to sleep.
it feels empty in this house with so little life. i have a cat and a frog, that’s it, it’s not enough. i need things to care for, something more than plants. i really like firebelly toads and planned to fix up the 55 as a terrarium for a pod of five. I won’t do another fish tank but i’d like to do toads.
there was something else….. yeah, i saw a stylus and tablet on amazon that isn’t that terribly expensive. it would be nice to have one again. i think i’d like to put that above getting better photography equipment.
i hoped this rash all over me was going to get better after i stopped taking that medication. i thought my legs and feet would go down but they haven’t. the skin is very tight. if i flex too much the skin feels as though it will tear.
i should have called it a night several hours ago, well before 5am.
Sister Pickle finally got a pond today, but there were complications. lol. Okay, I want to say that she got to the pond earlier than next spring because it was the right thing to do but that would be a flat out lie. I really wanted to take care of Pickle until spring but her food kept causing me problems. Here’s the thing, I’m not afraid of mealworms, earth worms of all sizes or crickets….. however, when 10 or more crickets escape, the thought to be well sealed cricket enclosure, then things start getting a little messy.
Mary Jane had a wonderful time catching and murdering some of the escaped convicts. If I could catch them then I just put them in with my aquatic frog, no issues there. The issue was when I was in bed and a cricket crawled on me. It appears I can still scream like a girl! You know the girl scream, it’s the one where the jaw is unhinged, uvula vibrates and a piercing sound heard for miles escapes the darkness of her esophagus. Yes, it was that kind of scream! Continue reading →
I got the lecture about how we (my aunt and I) aren’t going to drudge up the past. She says people remember things differently and that she doesn’t want to hear anything negative about her sister. This isn’t going to last….. In other words, we don’t want to bring up the abuse, we still don’t believe you and still don’t want to deal with it. She’s okay with hearing bad about me but not her sister or my sister. I flat out told her, with my mother out of the picture, I hoped my sister and I could have a relationship. That’s when she told me about remembering differently…. I’m way past acting like everything is okay. Way past it.
I am angry right now! I am very angry.
When I got home from Florida from Aunty P’s house no one believed me when I told them what Uncle ‘Deserves to be Dead’ was doing to me and to my cousin. What happened was that I was told I couldn’t be alone with my grandfather because I might accuse him of touching me. Not a single person ever, ever saw me as anything other than a disobedient liar. No one wanted to believe me.
I found out why my sister hasn’t responded……she can’t, and that makes my heart happy and sad. It’s not ME that she can’t call or contact. It’s not ME that she’s rejecting. It turns out life with my mother was enough to crack her. I’m happy it’s not me she’s rejecting again and I’m happy I left when I did because I’d be in the same boat. But it hurts my heart to know she can’t function in this life because of her mind.
This drives home the belief that not everyone has an equal chance, equal emotional strengths, equal opportunities to escape their abusers. Some of us lived, some did not and some breathe without ever having truly lived.
I keep looking at the color in the new header on this blog and my Facebook page and I really like it.
The art I sell isn’t the type of art I have displayed in the rooms of my home. I don’t like bright art in my home. I like earth tones, abstract landscapes or abstract seascapes in earth tones. But I keep looking at the colors in the header and I think to myself, I should get a print of the top portion of this painting because I really like it.
I’m not over stimulated by the colors. Usually that’s the problem with me and color, I feel in color and often intensely. I want blues and burgundy, cream, chocolate, mauve, colors like that. But I keep looking at the top portion of the painting called Crystal – Let the Mountains Shake and I’m like, I’m gonna have to get a print of that. I’m also strongly considering using the part of this as my logo (branding) and for my business cards I’m going to get made. Hmmm. Interesting.