the ‘Suicide Disease’

I found an article about CRSD and how it affects people emotionally and socially. Although it’s hard to hear it called “the suicide disease” I understand why because I’m sitting in that very spot as we speak.

Excerpts from : What It’s Like Living With Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, the ‘Suicide Disease’

“Complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS), also known as reflex sympathetic dystrophy (RSD) is one of the most painful disorders known to man. On the McGill University Pain Scale, CRPS/RSD ranks 42 out of 50. To put this level of pain in perspective for you, that ranks higher than both childbirth and amputation.”

CRSD can disfigure youThere are times when it would feel better if the limb that’s in pain and on fire was amputated. I just want the paint to stop. It takes over my head and I start to get desperate and once I’m desperate then I’m irrational and willing to take risks. This is one of the reasons people with Chronic Illness have to be concerned with addiction. We want the pain to stop. There are times when a patient may give their pain meds a boost because they can’t stand the pain anymore. This boost comes in several forms, either adding alcohol to the meds or taking more than prescribed. Although I understand why it happens, I also understand that it’s a dangerous road to travel.

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I am not your enemy

I do try so very hard to keep my FB page and my website free of the world’s wars and hatred, but sometimes it’s brought to my door and I feel compelled to answer it. The below comment are my words in response to an individual on FB whose family feels the strain of moving freely through the US border carrying valid identification and certificates.

You know what? I know all too well what it means to be a refugee. As I write this my heart isn’t sad, but angry! My grandfather is from Zaire (Congo). He watched his siblings and parents starve to death, one by one on US soil. He and his parents made up twelve souls but only he and two siblings lived to see help.

I know what it means to flee, to need and to die while waiting. I know well. I also know that friends of mine worry about their green card status, about being deported, denied housing, jobs, on and on…and we’re Christian…but our skin is dark and the countries they’ve come from put them on a list called ‘enemy’ when I and they are far, far from anyone’s enemy. This fear of deportation, of not being able to leave or come back freely touches sooo, sooo many people.

The anger that is being screamed into the ears of willing hateful hearts isn’t going to settle down, cool off in a little bit. It is an active hatred, a destructive anger, a ‘never again’ but ‘here we go again’ kind of hate.

You’re Arabic. I’m African, but we’re just people aren’t we? We have family and friends who are suffering attacks because of their religion or where they’re from or where they’re parents are from.

The fiery anger started slow and seemed like a joke. Deportations? Lists? Open racist? Nah, that’ll never happen ‘here’. Guess what people? It’s not just happening here, it’s happening to people you know. This isn’t comedy central news mocking a report of clear violation of human rights. We are real, live, individuals affected by this hatred. So I ask you to stop laughing at him, stop treating this like it’s going to blow over cause someone is going to step up. You step up. You stop spreading hate. You stop passing on political cartoons, you stop passing rage articles and start acting like what you say you want. You want peace, be peaceable, not silent.


Toxic Rise: Presents to Draw Me Back In

There’s this ‘thing’ people do who need you back in their toxic world after there’s a break. I figured Betty would do it and told Dr. D she would. Dr. D and I go over entries in sessions because I tend to process quite  a bit outside of therapy, but I told him, she’s going to try to give me a gift, it’ll be either something I really need or something I’ve been wanting.

It’s funny, with my guard up I know what to expect.  She will most certainly fulfill each and every aspect of her ‘malfunction’ because that’s what people with her ‘major malfunction’ do.

Today she showed up talkin’ ’bout, I have miniatures for your dollhouse. Oh,oh no you don’t. No ya don’t. …..I didn’t accept them, and won’t. She said, I’ve been looking around for a kitchen chair for you. I said, remember, you have no control over this household. No additions, no subtraction.

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Life here at Sundrip

Art is a huge part of what I do but it’s not all I do. Here are photos of some of the things that keep me going. Some might call it an apartment but I see it as 650 sq feet of creative space.

Wide view of the dining room.
I am very pleased to welcome to my home, an artist who I will meet for the first time in person. I’m anxious and excited. Actually, I’m a tad bit star struck. I will not supply photos but I will gush and be all thrilled to have her here. Since ya’ll aren’t comin’ (that was terrible), I thought I’d give you a little peek into this world of mine.

Part of the dining room table.
These are some of the more than 20 rescued succulents from the grocery store purchased for $4.00. They will need time to get well rooted and start growing stronger.
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Therapy Review: Commit. Clarify. Suicide.

Passion WoundsMy phone rang at 1:15. I opened my eyes and answered. I’d been awake from around 5:30 pm Sunday until 10 am this morning so I was very much in need of sleep. There was a small cracker gaffe. As we talked I reached over and grabbed a cracker and shoved the little round Ritz in my mouth while talking. I started laughing because it was like, my body was in the moment but my mind was not. I apologized for the crunch in his ear, which he found humorous.
3:30 pm EST

I asked him if he remembered something he and I were to keep discussing. He said he’d make a note to remember to ask two sessions ago. He didn’t remember. I said, when you say to me, “we can work on this issue” I don’t have confidence that we will. You’ve said this to me several times but it’s not brought up again. He said, why do you think you haven’t brought it up again? That’s when I realized, he expects me to bring up the things he tells me we can work on. With that point now clear I said to him, I need a prompt because the subjects are scary for me. I also want you to bring it up because I want to know that you are committed to the issue and will assist me with it. For a long time now I’ve heard him say, “we can work on that” or “we can talk more about this next week” but it doesn’t happen. I want to know we’re on the same page. I want to know that you understand the importance of these two issues.

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Therapy Review 2: Betty and Boundaries.

I’ve just put the relationship with Betty and Snow side by side but there is no intention to villainize Betty. The objective was to answer Dr. D’s question, ‘what’s different about your relationship with Snow than with Betty?” Peer to peer communication and interacting on different levels. Trust. I latched on to the doting very quickly. Despite red flags I latched on to her spoiling me to death. However, I quickly began to resent the feeling of being smothered.

She wanted that fish tank gone! She wanted me to have a traditional dining room, one she was prepared to furnish. My curtains are not to her liking. These curtains are about 70 yrs old and are handmade. They are the perfect color of blue and have a ruffled edge. They need some mending but they aren’t going anywhere. I love my curtains.

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Hummingbird Abstract. Rich. Watercolor.

IHummingbird - available‘m still working with different types of abstract. I did this while watching a video. I like the loose colors.

I’ve also been working with my palette knives but I thought it best to work in gesso for texture then add color over it later if desired. I’ve got a full gallon on gesso which I love working with.

Art Title: Abstract Hummingbird
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Media: Watercolor on 98lb artists paper
Size: 5.5 x 8.5
Finish: unsealed, signed on the front and back, unmounted
Style: Abstract, Nature

I’ve got an art sale going on for the Fang Fund, for Mary Jane’s much needed dental work. Use the following code at check out. If you desire to use PayPal instead of Etsy please let me know and I’ll create an invoice with the discount. All contact information is on the sidebar.

*** SALE ——— FangFund16 coupon code 35% off ——— SALE ***

Funds needed for her dental work started off at $250. The need is now $159.00. Thank you for your donations and purchases that stay in PayPal until all is raised to meet her need, then I’ll stop begging. You can fully expect more intense begging as March draws near. I’m watching my baby in pain and it’s difficult. I swear that’s not a guilt trip, it’s just the truth, I’m watching this girl hurt and there’s not a darn thing I can do about it….other than paint and paint is what I’m doing. Continue reading

Waterlog: Rebellion. Abuse

I turned off the comments to the other entry about water because I didn’t want anyone to say “good job”. My reaction would be to toss this whole thing and refuse to work on it as if the issue is mine and mine alone and ‘you’ can’t have a say in how it goes.

In the split second it took to turn off comments i thought, I don’t have to have water touch me if I don’t want to. ‘You” can’t tell me I have to get wet…….. and there it was….back in Florida, back in Tampa.

I think to myself, I hate you and you deserve to be dead. I really hate you.

With a topic so sensitive I’m going to keep comments off. I’m walking on thin ice. Yeah, cleaning burned mango and apple from a ban brings back anger and humiliation.

Good info for art and phobia. I would like to take it in to see what my therapist thinks and see if there’s a way to incorporate some of it into our work. I’m not going to post the art though. I can’t imagine posting it right now. Altered Book Facing Fears by Tracy Algar.

I’m ready to stop for the evening.


Waterlog: Stock Pot. Foot Bath

I had a minor drop in mood before doing the pan, shed a few tears and then started the process of adding bottled lemon juice and baking soda to the pot.

I thought I would just let it sit there until tomorrow so I decided I had to at least have some sort of water contact so I did a foot soak. I ended up with a cut the other day that I hadn’t noticed so I added Oregano essential oil to the water. I pulled a bench seat up to me and ate a snack of apples and cashew butter. After the snack I put a little more oil on and put on my socks. I went in the kitchen, put a wooden spatula in the pot and the burnt offering came off leaving a nice little shine.

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My Pink Cat. Tea. Water Phobia Day 1

Jane gets a bath today. Thank goodness for the Maine Coon in her or I’d need medical attention after. She still has all her claws and a fang. She does just fine with water. No fighting, no death threats or plans to assassinate me later…It’s quick and simple. I dry her with an extra fluffy towel, brush her a bit then let her go.

She sulks some after she’s seen her beautiful fur flat against her body in rat style. That’s when I get the look, you’ve ruined my fur. I trusted you!!!! Look at me. I look like a rat. Just cause you have bad hair doesn’t mean I have to…. She grooms in a panic but still looks like a rat-cat thing, then she goes to sleep. That’s how bath day has always been for little Jane.

Now that I’ve written it all out it seems like a lot of work. Maybe I’ll just take a nap.

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