Look, things have been going down hill for awhile. I've felt like my last breath is only half a breath away. Sadly, each day is worse than the last, yet I'm still here. I don't want to be.
I went to see a new doctor today, a guy who ranks in the top 500 in the state. He says he can help me. I didn't say anything. He told me I need to do physical therapy. He said you need to lose 130 pounds. I laughed out loud, apologized then said, please, go on. He said I want you to work with our nutritionist and to join a gym. He said, it'll only cost you $10 a month.
It's just ten dollars.
Rent went up by $10.00
Getting to and from Dr. D's office is $10 x 2
Medication co-pays, almost $10
Tidy Cat $13.00
Cat food $8
Total monthly income $740.
I said, it's not just $10.00 when the number you're subtracting it from is low. He suggested I borrow. I don't borrow. He said, you have to be able to get $10 from somewhere. By that time I was irritated. I said, you feel so confident I can get it, would you like to pay it!? It is just $10.00. He walked out of the room. I thought, crap Faith! Crap!
He came back in and handed me $60 cash. I broke into tears! He arranged the cab situation so I can show up to physical therapy. I got in the car and came home.
Sixty percent of me says this surgeon will be like every other doctor I've seen. About 5 years ago I was told that "people like me" only have a 30% change of successful treatment because the doctor doesn’t know if it's an emotional issue or a physical one. That leaves ten percent available with which to fight this on-going battle. Ten percent.
You know, I live a very simple life, one that is able to make ends meet on $740 a month. Most of my needs, until recently, have been simple. I don't want for anything. I know what it means to be content, to be thankful that I have enough. And yeah, I understand I am considered destitute, but I don't agree. I do not agree.
What I lack is good health. My second greatest deficiency is will. I just want to stop.