Right in the middle of life (only a little slower) is my best girl Mary Jane seen here purring on her mama's upset stomach. What a sweety. She's a few months shy of 15 years old. She's a good girl.
Just 14 days more.... that seems so familiar. Heck, even the time of year is close to last time, only this time I'm waiting for my insurance to kick in and cover the cost of 4 little medicines that are supposed to make things better.
Not everything is it was last time or the time before that.... There are a few things that have changed.
- I am not seeking treatments outside of the basics. What I mean is, I will be reasonable in taking medication that does more to help than harm. I am not willing to do anything invasive.
- I will again run from anyone who says, "I can cure you."
- Depression and anger associated with medical treatment has to be managed.
- It's ok to not always know what to do.
- Big decisions that demand an answer in a very short period of time will be answered. The answer is no.
- I will not gamble with my health. I will not risk 90% of myself for a 10% chance at "better"
- Giving up, pulling the covers over my head is a sometimes feeling but does not represent in any way the attitude of my medical care.
- I have a strong support group with varying opinions who will continue to support me.
- I'm not required to give the world 100% everyday. Whoever said to give everything your all has no concept of the word "deficit".
- In the midst of anger, depression, medical betrayal and a frightening look at mortality face to face, there is still this glimmer in my heart that says, "Even if this body fails, there is a piece of light I've yet to grab. I want it!"
I had two really good experiences at the ER the other night. The EMT asked, "How long has the pain been like this?" Out of my mouth came, "I was born with Lupus." He put his hand on my arm and said, "I know you're tired." I nearly cried. The second time a doctor asked, I gave the same answer, her answer was nearly identical but she added a bit of professional advice. I don't see a lot of compassion and honesty in the medical field. Moments of validation from within the medical field will be and are held as precious to me.
Dr D and I will be tackling the depression head on. One of the things I need most in my home is life. For the time being I've decided to forego the addition of fish and just get a big, gigantic devils ivy plant,or two. I love to watch things grow. I love going over to see the different ways its growing. I'd love to figure out how to get the roots of some in the goldfish tank without them eating it all. One goldie is 7 inches. He's the father of my one, lone wolf goldfish baby I've still got. The baby is in the big tank now. My 9 year old African Clawed Frog is in his own tank. He had to be in the hospital tank while I worked with him during an incident for another entry. He's fine, but will not go back in the big tank. He's in the room with me and Jane thing. He still sings at night.
Life. It's what I need around me to help pull me slowly out of this place I've been in for over a year now.
I have an out of town visitor on the 15th of this month. Perhaps we can make this devil's ivy plant a realization.