What’s wrong with me? An inner conversation.

What's wrong with you?
I'm angry.
Yup, I guessed that.
I'm wearing it like a blanket that I refuse to remove.
What are you wearing under the blanket?
Skill. Love. Motivation.
Ok, I wasn't expecting those things. I thought you were going to say exhaustion, vulnerability, etc.
If you ask me, those are the reasons I have chosen to keep the blanket on.
Is it worth it?
My goodness, I'm so angry, and this depression feels like a garrote. I want to get up and eat dinner. I'd like a shower.
What's stopping you?
I want to run my business and post art. I want to have my cat near instead of pushing her away.
What's stopping you?

The Girl in Black Sundrip
The Girl in Black
Sundrip

Listen, Faith, listen. Let's think about the last year, no, we're going back to the last 3 years. In the last 3 years you've had more physical pain than your mother put you through in the 20 years you lived with her. That is not an exaggeration. You have broken teeth from biting down so hard to endure what was happening to your body. During pain attacks your body responded in ways that the body responds when it is writhing. In those situations you've destroyed bedding, vomited on the cat and tore at your clothing as you screamed. You went mad Faith, like anyone else would. Do you understand that?

It's humiliating to think of the last year and the year before it. It's crazy to know that I could not distinguish between the fear I felt as a child and the fear of my body spasming as if I were giving birth again and again. I was afraid and it often felt like I was going to lose my mind. I wanted to die. With this last blood clot I figured I would. It's as if I'm being toyed with. An "out" was right there, but nope, ... no..... just a few weeks and the "out" was stolen. I got better.

Is this the real me? Is this really what I feel? What I feel right now is hatred for doctors. I hate what they put me through. I hate those who promised to help but ended up being more stressful than helpful. I hate doctors who told me there's nothing more that be can done because my body is resisting treatment. I hate doctors for telling me they can cure me but don't. I hate doctor's who assume things, who focus on weight, focus on one issue and say every new symptom is just part of the one issue they're focused on. Blind guides. They are blind guides and I hate them for what they put me through.

You Cannot Find Peace By Avoiding Life Virginia Woolf
You Cannot Find Peace By Avoiding Life
Virginia Woolf

Today Snow said she didn't understand my depression after not feeling pain at the same degree with this newest treatment. I told her it feels like grief, like PTSD. I am in a deep depression, and it's got me by the throat. Sometimes I just don't care if it steals my breath.  And yet.......and yet...........I can't imagine keeping this blanket on. I am tired. I am depressed and angry and traumatized ......... but I'm other things, too.

I'm afraid of every twinge in my legs, of the smallest spasm on the left side. I'm afraid of falling, of headaches that may escalate. I'm afraid when my hands freeze up (spasm) and I have to work them free. I'm afraid of living for fear of getting hurt and having to recover from something else. The bottom line is, I've been warring with several physical ailments for a very long time. At the moment I'm not a prisoner of that war, but I sure do remember the sights, the smell and the fear...always afraid.......that's why I've still got on this blanket. I'm afraid to live because of what it may entail.

I feel angry. Hopeless. Helpless. Defeated.  I've felt this way before and things changed.

Jordan

3 thoughts on “What’s wrong with me? An inner conversation.

  1. Wow.
    This was raw and beautifully expressed. I can relate to this sooo. Sooo. Much.
    I've had a similar conversation going on with myself and there are flashes were it makes sense that the anger is the problem. but it feels like I'm naked when I try to shed the blanket for more than a few minutes. It's the only feeling I know. It feels alive, and the only way I've figured out how to protect myself. But it hurts me just to wear it..
    I'd love to get past my mommy issues, cause I believe thats where the anger started. It's self destructive. I stopped writing about my feelings cause I push them away, like your cat, and my 2 dogs that see the Slim Shady -Marshall Mathers syndrome in full force. "Leave me alone!" "I love you " smh

    Your writing is amazing and wonderful Faith. Thank you.

  2. Faith

    Post author

    "I’m naked when I try to shed the blanket for more than a few minutes."

    It feels pointless sometimes because "I'm going to get sick again." Because "I can't trust that my body will accept treatments" Why see the current treatment as anything different? Now I've answered my own question. It's different because I'm at the helm. I call the shots. I gotta write an entry now.

    Little Sparrow, thank you for your comment.
    Jordan

  3. Post author

    MB
    On emotions concerning mother issues,

    The decades thick web of conflicting feelings weaved when abused could tangle and hold a Silverback Gorilla.

No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.