I know what’s different. I’m at the helm.

Machinery 2
Machinery 2

In a comment to a reader I began listing off more reasons why it feels pointless to trust any doctor or treatment.

She said "I’m naked when I try to shed the blanket for more than a few minutes."

I understand that. I feel Naked. I feel Exposed. I feel Defenseless. I throw myself at the mercy of doctors who do not oblige me to the proper degree.

My response to her comment got me to thinking. When I went to a doctor I went stripped, exhausted, desperate. I was willing to do whatever they told me to do. Again and again I ran into abusive doctors or flat out incompetent ones. I took crap off people for one reason only - a means to an end. I needed help. I could not control the pain. I handed myself over because I felt I could not continue living at the rate I was going.

What has occurred to me here is that while feeling defeated I gave much of my power and voice to clowns. Each time they failed in an epic way, so too the will to assert myself. I floundered from promise to treatment doing exactly what I've spent 20 years in therapy learning not to do. Do not give away my voice or power.

"Isn't it rich" My Face My Art
"Isn't it rich"
My Face My Art

Does this change my current feelings about treatment for what one doctor called "illnesses with high morbidity" ? Why see the current treatment as anything different? Now I've answered my own question. It's different because I'm at the helm. I have chosen to deny over half the prescribed meds, including opiates. That decision was not easy on my body or mind. Granted, the last pain specialist had me go cold turkey which landed me in the hospital twice, but I have chosen to continue that abstinence. I have chosen to deny invasive treatments, harsh medications and visits to doctors with narrow focus and strong opinions about other fields of medicine.

With assistance from several individuals as well as trial and big time F. A. I. L, I have in my cache, several ways to manage symptoms. Some ways are with traditional medication, some are whole leaf herbs, nuts, whole spices and whole roots. What has been helpful is to be consistent with traditional meds while using complimentary non traditional meds. I vary the non traditional meds which seems to help.

Although the last doctor I saw told me that the yoga and stretching I did was worthless for my condition, I beg to differ! I miss the physical therapist K. I enjoyed working with her. She was encouraging. I can remember that encouragement as I continue my yoga and other methods to boost my spirit and move forward in this chapter of my life.

Let it be.

A. August
My Face My Art includes - The Last Laugh and Machinery 2 as seen in my updated Etsy shop.

One thought on “I know what’s different. I’m at the helm.

  1. I meant to say I could relate to the doctors fixation on how much the scale says. I feel like it's an easy way to blame the patient. "Oh if you lose ___ lbs it would really help the symptoms " blahhhhh

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