Therapy Review – Reassurance. Normality. Lonely

Walk with Me

Walk with Me8:05 am

I didn't make it in to see Dr D because I wasn't physically able to travel. I asked him if he's getting frustrated or worried that things aren't the way they were. For years I saw him twice a week in his office. I now make it in once or twice a month.

I worry he'll quit his job. How am I going to make that separation from one of the only constance in my adult life.

12:24pm

I challenged Snow the other day saying she doesn't really want to come here and that I'm a burden to her. I said, you rush out of here like you don't want to be here. She said, I've been here for 2 and a half hours. Surprised, I said, what? I shook my head in disbelief. Two and a half hours!? I thought she'd been here only a few minutes.

I feel like one of those chronically ill people who feels like a burden and wants to push people away yet needs them so much. This isn't like, I hate you don't leave me. This is like, I don't know, like believing they're going to abandon me. It will be easier to tell them they can go than to wait for them to leave. How could they not be tired of me? They never know when I'll be half way calm then spasming, sweating and shaking.

As many different friends I see in my home and talk to each week one would think I'd feel loved and cared about. What I feel is lonely. Next week I'm having friends over. There will be 5 of them and me.

Earlier in the week I had to slap myself back to reality after an unreasonable and untrue thought crossed my mind. I thought, it would be better for everyone if I were dead. Untrue. That is not true. That's something people believe when they have been ill for a long time and see the illness as a failure and a hindrance to the happiness of those they love. I do not desire to hinder the happiness of the people I love. I don't want to burden them or grieve them. To die before my time would do just that.

I'm not suicidal. I'm just desperate, and chronic illness makes me feel less human, alienated from normality, and lonely.

Jordan

4 thoughts on “Therapy Review – Reassurance. Normality. Lonely

  1. I felt this thought last night, that it would be easier if I was dead. This thought hurts, causes panic/fear and makes me want to run or push everyone away first too...I'm still learning how to invite this feeling to sit and stay while I figure out how I want to live with it. How I want to ask it to dance. I know everyday from now on is a choice, a choice to remain, here, now not for them but for myself. Thank you for your brave post. 🙂 It helped me to read these words, I know I am truly not alone and it's ok to not be ok. your friend, Heather

  2. Post author

    As I wrote this entry I worried I'd sound like a whinner, someone who keeps writing the same posts- I'm sick, I'm lonely, I'm depressed and a burden, on and on.

    Recently someone wrote a comment that no one's life can be as bad as I claim mine is and to stop seeking attention. I was told to stop exploiting others to make art sales. I was rather crushed. The person sent an apology and said she had no right to say those things even if she thought them. As we all know, words hurt and they hurt for a long time, especially if they are along the lines of what we worry about. Do I complain too much? Do I make excuses for myself? Am I a user?

    If my goal is to exploit people and sell them art bc they feel bad for me, then I've gotta work harder on my exploitation skills. One sale since July. I suck at exploition!

    I was so worried about writing this entry, writing the truth of that moment was a huge risk. Thank you Heather for writing yours as well.

    It's true that I keep writing about the havoc Lupus is creating. It's true I talk about how lonely chronic pain makes me feel. Yes, I am depressed. But I fight, too.

    Thank you again Heather for your words,
    Faith

  3. Whomever wrote that comment had no right to say those things. Not only that but they don't speak for anyone but themselves. They are entitled to their thoughts but that is not my thoughts.

    I also feel this way, often actually. It's an incredibly painful place to be. It's always been our way to push everyone away. We are so good at it. Our husband is the only person to simply refuse to leave. And still we try.

No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.