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Blackout

I stay up until the sun begins to come up. There's a certain feeling of having escaped the night, to have out run it or beat it at its own game.

Whether I'm awake or asleep, the night will try torture me. If there are shadows made by light, the shadows will try and break me with its games. If I sleep I am sure to relive moment exactly as they were, smell, sights, sounds, color, fear.

Sleep is still one of the most difficult things for me. I want to say my prayer and go to sleep. I want to want sleep medication. I want to trust the vulnerability of sleep and believe I'll be ok. I have enough teas. herbs and roots to top any pharmaceutical. sleep aid. Falling asleep isn't the problem, it's the night and sleep itself I fear.

So what's my plan to better my nights? Consistency and predictability. I don't mean structure in that I'll go to bed at a certain hour. I mean having  night time actions begin to feel safe (predictable) so that I trust enough to sleep. Right now what I do is get nervous and anxious. This grows to the point of all out fear. I'd like to break the cycle of feeding into night time anxiety.

Written June 9, 2010 2:32am

Published on Categories PTSD, The People Behind My Eyes, Women

About Faith

SUNDRIP – Art for Life is a site that expresses in every media possible an intimate look into the life of a person living with major trauma. The issues addressed in art and writing include Dissociative Identity Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Lupus and CRSD. Despite these issues, I intend to move forward, through and out with honor, grace and creativity.

No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.

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