I stay up until the sun begins to come up. There's a certain feeling of having escaped the night, to have out run it or beat it at its own game.
Whether I'm awake or asleep, the night will try torture me. If there are shadows made by light, the shadows will try and break me with its games. If I sleep I am sure to relive moment exactly as they were, smell, sights, sounds, color, fear.
Sleep is still one of the most difficult things for me. I want to say my prayer and go to sleep. I want to want sleep medication. I want to trust the vulnerability of sleep and believe I'll be ok. I have enough teas. herbs and roots to top any pharmaceutical. sleep aid. Falling asleep isn't the problem, it's the night and sleep itself I fear.
So what's my plan to better my nights? Consistency and predictability. I don't mean structure in that I'll go to bed at a certain hour. I mean having night time actions begin to feel safe (predictable) so that I trust enough to sleep. Right now what I do is get nervous and anxious. This grows to the point of all out fear. I'd like to break the cycle of feeding into night time anxiety.
Written June 9, 2010 2:32am