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Can I?

I have everything I need to go to the convention in a few weeks, but I'm scared to death. I'm going, but I'm afraid to leave my safe place.

I can't say I've gotten close to what I wanted to accomplish during spring and summer, but to make it to the convention will provide satisfaction hard to put into words.

Walking - I've got courage to try that more at home than anywhere else. I don't have the level of ability I had say 5 months ago.

In the what ifs department - What if I switch personalities? What if I have a panic attack or flashbacks in the hotel room? I suppose the answers are the same things I do here when I'm afraid or when I dissociate.

I'm not going on vacation where I'll hang out with others after the convention. I'm going there to learn and be with people while I'm there. I'll take a lunch and eat with new people. I'm ok with that. I'll go back to my room, make a quick meal in the kitchenette and go to sleep. I'll get up and do it again then come home after 3 days. Sounds easy!

Scared to death.

I just thought about the fact that there will be a television in the room. Hang on, now that I think about it, why on earth would I go to a very encouraging convention then go to the hotel to watch how much hatred has become a staple in the lives of way too many? Nah, I'm good.

Anyway, I keep trying to talk to myself and give myself reassurance. I can do this. I know the MD on duty while I'm there. I'm good. I'm covered. Heck yeah it's going to hurt but man, to not go would hurt even more, and for a long time.

I have a small case for art supplies. I'm taking 3 blouses, 3 skirts and 2 headdresses, which will double as a shawl if I get cold. One pair of shoes, Pj's and medical supplies.....and tea. I don't care how nice the hotel is supposed to be. I can't just leave my tea needs to anyone!!! For all I know I could get down there and all they have is Lipton. I'd have to get loud. I did not scrape and save to get down here and have Lipton!

We're going down a day early. Snow will watch the apartment and my girl Mary Jane while I'm gone. This will be the longest I've gone without my baby in 10 years. I'm going to miss her fuzzy self. I'll have to take photos of her and bring them with me on my phone or tablet.....sigh....

As the convention date draws closer I'm sure I'll flip out more. Flipped out or not, I can do this.

Me

Published on Categories Lupus, Multiple Personality Disorder, PTSD

About Faith

SUNDRIP – Art for Life is a site that expresses in every media possible an intimate look into the life of a person living with major trauma. The issues addressed in art and writing include Dissociative Identity Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Lupus and CRSD. Despite these issues, I intend to move forward, through and out with honor, grace and creativity.

2 thoughts on “Can I?

  1. underswansea

    I am wishing you the best. It does sound scary. But the voice I read in your post says you can do it. Ask for help if you need it. Be easy on your self. Thats the same courtesy you would give friends and strangers. You deserve the same. Maybe it will be fun. Take care.

    Reply

No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.

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