Note to a blogger. I need to tell you something.
It makes total sense. i hear the chaos and feel the frustration. everything feels so messed up sometimes and like we have no control over anything. When all the old tapes start playing and the fear wells up in us and flashbacks feel real, we just lose it! ..... its a cacophony....... a thousand sounds within a thousand sounds all at once with visuals and fears playing right beside those out of tune, harsh notes. How on earth do we properly manage a tsunami inside the small space that is our head? Sweet girl, this is hard. Its hard and its exhausting. I know it...I know it...... (sigh)
No, there was no option to protect or stand up for ourselves. My mother said, do it or fight me like a woman and die.........She got away with murder........the murder of the heart of her children.......the murder of normal, of walking on my own legs without them shaking and the murder of safety in my own head.
Yes, it does makes sense that at 30 you are trying to grow up. The last 30 years was slavery where growth is impossible. Just barley surviving second to second is what life was like for me, and it sounds the same for you. It makes sense that all of this is so confusing because it goes against the conditioning. It's difficult to look at our feet and not still see those chains.
There is certainly a communication problem in the house. I have my issues with being able to communicate properly so I'm not the best person for advice on that one, however, it's clear there are some huge triggers while trying to communicate. Telling you that you can just leave was most certainly a huge trigger! Name calling is wrong. Being told you're too sensitive is wrong. I have a friend who tells me I'm too sensitive. My immediate retort is, You aren't sensitive enough. When she says something I'm doing is silly I tell her, even if it's silly to you, it's not silly to me so please respect my person and my wishes.
When there's a situation where we are not going to agree I tell her that we're spinning our wheels. I get up and walk away. sometimes she says to me, well, i just won't talk to you anymore. she's said to me before, i feel like i have to watch every word i say around you. I offer no response. If she is clumsy with her words that's not my fault. No answer is required.
Spraying because the cat used the restroom is normal. However, what was missed by her is that the spray isn't just in the cat litter box, it's everywhere, landing on everything including your food.
The miscommunications are evident but from where i'm sitting it appears she's got a strong personality that shuts you down quickly leading to acting out. Beating your head against the wall is something i have done. I have cut and done other things to hurt myself. These behaviors are because we are overwhelmed and don't know how to hold the emotions or process them.
Sometimes little kids who are overwhelmed by their emotions will throw themselves to the ground and start kicking. A parent may make sure they can't hurt themselves but leave them there to kick and scream until they wear themselves out. It's just that sometimes the emotion is just too big for their little bodies and they have no life experience to properly manage it. For us, the head banging and cutting is very similar. At no time in my young life was I allowed to feel without consequences. At no time was I allowed to grow as a child and get experience with handling emotions. My body was growing but emotionally I was not. Was it my fault? No, but in this body you have now and in this date you live in as adult, it is safe to be overwhelmed without pain. Every single one of you, despite individual age or gender, lives in a date and time where you are allowed to be overwhelmed and angry without it resulting in pain. It may take you a bit to fully grasp this truth, but it is true. How do I know? Because I've now got the life experience to verify it.
There are days when I am so angry and when flashbacks are clear and sicken me that all I can do is scream. I do. I actually let myself scream. No pillow over my face. I just scream. More than not, I paint. I sometimes paint furiously, sometimes naked because i know that paint is going everywhere. Thank goodness for floor coverings and such. I used to have a set of darts, the real cork dart board and I'd throw those darts so hard! After a bit i'd just concentrate on how to hit the bulls eye. And sadly, I ate and purged. In other words, I didn't do it perfectly. I didn't manage myself perfectly, but I did try..... it is evident you are trying.... you keep going little writer, ok. You keep right on moving forward.