What am I looking for by taking this risk to get to know my aunt a little better?
- Connection to a family member who has had the sobering truth of her mortality.
- A foot in the door with my sister.
The messages and the names as an assault on my person are not true. I want to show myself dignified, alive, willing to exist outside of that maternal bloodline of abusers. I was told I couldn't live without my mother. I was told I'd fail. I'd be raped. I'd be a target for misuse. I'd be taken away and she'd never get to me. I'd fail. Well, guess whose going for coffee? A live, living, goal oriented woman living independently as her situation allows. I am penniless. I am in poor health. I have mental health issues. I have hope.
The name that hurt the most I think was 'heartless'. I refused to give them any authentic emotion (not that it was desired) but I refused to give them an emotional response to physical or verbal abuse. I refused to fall in line even if I knew where the line ended. I was constantly bucking the arrangement of things. I was constantly bringing people to task. I knew the consequences, they were the same for not speaking up, for being quiet, for hiding. My way of surviving them lead to me being called rebellious, disobedient, disloyal, heartless.
I fought like a lion, but a single lion only has so much power with rifles pointed at his head.
I want a chance to show that I'm not the person they labeled me to be. After 25 years of absence, will I get a real chance to show who I am?
I desperately want her to be safe. People ask about family ALL of the time. Do you have family in the area? Are you from here? Will you be spending time with family? I get tired of my heart dropping. Can I say, please, I have an aunt and have it be true?
Maybe if my aunt sees me in person a few times she'll pass it along that I am not here to bring up past events, to start trouble, to hash out differences. I'm tired and our family is dwindling very quickly. How long will it be before she and I are the last two standing? Must we stand on opposite sides of the street? Please, may I have my sister?