Yesterday was the first time I'd heard the name 'high functioning depression.' I read a tiny bit about it and thought, this is exactly why my friends and even the nurses that used to be here didn't believe me when i said I'm depressed, I'm getting in deeper and feel like I can't take another step. What they saw didn't say clinical depression, it didn't say she's suicidal, she may need some help. I wonder if this is something like a functioning alcoholic where the personal life is falling apart but the professional side of things is sustained? I don't know but I do feel as though I'm falling apart.......and I do feel left and somewhat overlooked.
My behavior doesn't match my actions. I laugh. I joke, I roll with the daily punches like everyone else in the world. I don't measure my life by another's so that I think my life is worse than this person's life, or that person. I make people laugh and smile and they tell me that they appreciate me...total strangers...."I'm happy you came by the store today. I needed a good laugh." Yeah, me, too.
I'm not okay. I can hardly hold my head up or it takes everything I have not to burst into tears or roll over in bed and hope I don't wake up.
I'm grieving the loss of too many family members, too many friends all in a short span. I lost the fantasy that I'll ever be part of a family and that I'm going to have to be okay with the label 'friend' when I want more than that. If others are okay with 'family of choice' then so be it, I just needed to think that I'd belong....I can't keep that lie anymore. I know that eventually when I cycle through all this I'm going to have to put one foot in front of the other and move forward .. and I will, but right now my throat is tight, my head is low and my eyes are dark..and I'm tired. I want my mother......no I don't.no i don't. i don't even want the shredded fantasy that is so wrecked its no longer recognizable. I just want to stop hurting.
it's 15 min to tea time.
My Aunty S beat Hurricane Matthew and is back in the states. I would guess the aunt living in Florida is still okay bc there was nothing posted on Aunty S's FB page saying Aunty C was hurt. No one has called or texted, they won't. Aunty S has been back in the states and is planning another trip with clients. This trip feels like a slap in the face because it's somewhere my mother always wanted to go, Alaska. It seems a strange choice since my aunt only does tours outside of US territories. I wish she would keep her stupid self here. If Aunty S gets hurt, who will care for my sister? She's got 5 years max and then the question will really take center stage: who will care for my sister?
I just had the strangest thought. Why do I call her my sister? Why can't I strip her of identity the way she did me all those years? Why can't I call her the eldest sibling of three? The other bit of anger that flared said Aunty S should watch out in those mountains. I hear bears can be grumpy. . . . . . I don't want anyone hurt like that.. but she is plump. I hear dark meat is juicier than white meat....... just have a salad with her and it'll even out the calorie count. I do not want them harmed. I'm only kidding.
six minutes until tea time. Spiced apple chamomile and regular tea biscuits. I picked up a small pumpkin at the store the other day so I can make some pumpkin bread and scones. I'm looking forward to all the great harvest foods of this season. Baked apples, baked pumpkin, squashes, argh... zucchini, sweet potatoes, gracious!! In addition to tea there will be hot chocolate spiked with different fun stuff. It's a great season, my favorite... and it just put a smile on my face..
It's 8:01 pm now and I've given up a whole minute of tea time to the computer... gracious, it's 8:02, time's a ticking, tea needs to be poured ....then off to bed. I have therapy tomorrow....oh yeah, and Tony, you can't leave your gravatar blank. Put somethin' there. 🙂 You weren't expecting that were you?