I keep hearing a little girl cry. It happens every single time I get extremely triggered. I know she's not really there but I can't help but go looking for her. It takes a lot to resist the urge to go looking for her.
She can't do it. She can't call me by my name. The best thing I ever did leave that family and change my entire name. Changing it gave me a way to buffer their abuse, to separate myself from the burden carried with my birth name. She can't stand that I'd choose something so positive to call myself. According to her, I'm a host of unmentionables. It was hard to hear past those things and try to figure out what to do and say to calm her down and get her to speak to me like a human being. It was as if I stood before my mother trying to get her to calm down, listen through the insults to figure out what she really wants from me. In the end it just seems like she's tired, angry and lost.
I picked up the phone with my therapist 30 seconds after my sister told me that I'm a terrible person and not needed. I learned a few things that I didn't know. I began to question some of what was being told to me by my Aunty S because it didn't make sense. My sister was forthcoming with information that I wasn't ready for...another blast! I can't believe I actually said to my Aunt, thank you for having cared for my mother!!! That is so disgusting, now that I know what really took place, that is so disgusting. And I'm happy I didn't sit across the table from her and have coffee, yuck!!!
I am sorry my sister is in the position she's in. She is truly hurting and she's lashing out. She's lashing out at me, as always, but more than that I'm stunned to learn, in such a short period of time, how things ended, about the coma, about all the different things that took place and how my Aunts came in like piranha and devoured my sister's only understanding of life. They took control of my mother's health and income, then locked my sister out of all decision making. She was removed from the only thing she knows, service to my mother. I now understand what she means when she says she has nothing. This is insane. It is, it's insane. OMG!
My head is all over the place. Even though my sister is throwing hard punches and I've decided to remove myself from that situation, I will not deny my sister. What I mean is, I won't take her punches, but if there is a time we can talk with less fire then I will. I won't be a punching bag and be told that everything is my fault. I won't stand and have her scream in my face that I'm a terrible person or use the words she used against me today. I won't stand and let myself be abused, but I won't deny her either. I can't. I can't be beaten up emotionally, but if she is willing to write back and forth, even with opposite views, then I'm willing to speak to her with civility.
For over twenty years she's harbored resentment for me while living with the main abuser who kept brainwashing her into staying home and kept me as the evil one. This is the person who is lashing out at me, a brainwashed, abused 47 year old woman afraid of everything, a woman with no real understanding of life on her own.
I'm a passionate individual with fierce loyalties. I'm the type that's either in or out. I said yesterday that I am going to leave her and not stand and take her blows. And that's true, but the door is open for her to try again with less damaging strikes. I don't need to keep throwing myself in front of the train to try to convince her I'll bleed for her. No, it's her turn to slow down, work through her grief and find her way back to me. I've fought long and hard for this day......gracious, who knew it would come so fast and with crushing power, but it did come. She answered me and gave me a little more understanding of where she's coming from.
It have set limits and boundaries . I am using my coping skills.
Yes, I'm going to keep going on this new road, with both hands on the wheel, going in the direction I belong in. In just a few short months I'll complete the first part of this goal, then two years later I'll be finished and official, and I'll take that new lease on life and run and run and run. I have goals. I do.
Today in therapy we talked about the little girl that I hear crying, a very strong hallucination. There was a little bit of visualization work done over the phone but not much. I know this child is not really someone outside my body. I know she's not real, but I also know that for many, many years she has popped up when my stress level reached its maximum. I've only seen her once, usually I hear her crying. I was blown away when I saw her walk from beside the dresser and tell me that she's crying for me.
I've got a headache. I'm exhausted. I smell garlic and chicken. Mary Jane's nose just lifted in the air to get a full whiff of our late dinner. She gets chicken too, hold the other stuff, just chicken and garlic. It'll be another late dinner but that's nothing new. I've got studying to do. I was able to get some reading done this morning but not much. I spent a lot of this morning going back and forth with my sister. That's only part of the day, not the whole thing.
Focus. Focus. Don't lose sight of your goals and purpose. There are going to be crashes and dents but I have to work with them and keep in sight the real reason I wake up each morning.
My name is Faith!!!