I remember when Pope John Paul died and I saw people standing out in the courtyard staring up at the light in his bedroom waiting for it to go out. The light being extinguished meant he was dead. That's what I see when I think of me waiting for my grandmother to die. I'm standing on cold marble waiting for the Matriarch of our family to take her last breath.
Many people believe the Pope is a holy man. Even if they argue his religious stance they at least recognize the amount of influence he has over the lives of others and in politics. For many of his followers, his word goes. I put my mother's mother in that same light. My grandmother ruled, period. No matter the crimes committed by her, she still ruled and no one dare truly cross her because there was too much to lose in doing so. So she stands as a god-like figure in this family and I stand in the courtyard waiting to see that light go out.
The death of my grandmother will be monumental because there will be no one left in the line of adult abusers alive. I'll be the last one standing. I win only because I live. Is that how it's suppose to work? I never, ever....and I mean ever, think of this situation with winners and losers. This is no game, this isn't a competition but it will be worth noting that when my grandmother dies I'm the last one standing. My past will truly be dead and buried. It will be a chapter in my life that will make me smile because there's no one else to fear, not a soul.
My aunts are dead to me for what they did to my mother when she was ravaged by dementia. I want to call them devils. They are spineless dogs, spineless dogs. How dare they do my mother that way?
My sister is an abuser and a victim and a survivor. That situation is so complex but the bottom line is, she needs to hate me. If she doesn't hate me then she may feel disloyal to her master, my mother. ... hmmm....such colorful language...devils, dogs and masters. Gracious.
I am physically free from both aunts and my sister. I'm physically free from my grandmother but its her death that truly tells me its over, this whole nightmare of a family is over. With my grandfather gone, my mother gone and then my grandmother following then it's truly over.
I am a bad person for needing her light to go out.....or maybe a person who still needs a little justice. I believe there are crimes for which a person should pay with their life. The amount of destruction passed down this line leading to me warrants the death penalty. That's my opinion. Thank God I'm not a judge or executioner. But I beg God to help me through the many deaths I suffered just trying to live with my family, and the memories.