I know how to tear myself down brick by brick. I know how to destroy my wall of confidence and belief that I have a right to exist. I successfully wage war with myself so that I can not withstand the onslaught of insults and judgement smashing at the hull of my soul like cannon balls. Yes, I can wage war, but can I cease fire, better yet, can I seek peace with myselves?
Dr. D and I talked about my therapy goals for the year. A most difficult one will be to get a hold of anxiety and improve the way I talk to myself.
I know my focus is off. I know I start one task and then bounce to another but I don't have to degrade myself for it. Also, I need to step back and see beyond what my head is telling me.
Today's mental war
I start to clean the studio but I see a painting that I could do a quick line on, so I do it. Fifteen minutes later I pull myself away from the table because I have to use the restroom. Leaving the restroom I catch sight of the dishes I should have done. I arrange them neatly so I can begin them after I clean the studio. As I walk back I see a rock out of place in the area with the frogs so I go over there and dust, rearrange, change the water. I tell myself I should get back in the studio and clean but I'm stuck at the frog's corner cleaning glass, clipping plant leaves and vines. No wonder I can't get anything done. You lack discipline, you didn't use to. I wipe down the dinner table then run the sweeper and dust. Would you please remember to put the laundry in the dryer so we can go to bed soon? I walk to the front door to attend the laundry but as I pass the kitchen. I want a cup of tea. No, go down and do the laundry. It won't take that long, I tell myself. This is so stupid. You can't even..... I wipe down the counters while I wait for the kettle. I can't find the cup I want to use. I'm out of disposable cups, the ones that are terrible for the environment.
I should have written an entry today. God help me cause I'm a broken woman, can't even stack some papers on the studio desk without doing a million different things.
You still haven't gone down to put the laundry in the dryer.
Crazy. I hate being crazy.
Listen, it's not my fault.
I'm tired, are we going to be awake when the clothes come out of the dryer. Why can't you just finish one thing before you bounce to another?
I finally returned to the studio but realized I hadn't done my reading. I've not studied a single thing. I catch sight of the small stuffed kitten, in a basket on my desk, and take a photo of him. Shouldn't you be reading?
You have to get something done today.
You've not even eaten. What's with us and hot dogs anyway? We never eat hot dogs, well, once in a blue moon, not sure why hot dogs are on the menu.
I could easily go to sleep right now.
I can't let this day pass without doing anything. What a waste.
Stopping the self beatings will be difficult. I criticize myself all the time. Dr. D and I will talk about specific alters and what their current feelings are. He needs a profile on them. He's not used to working with us. He knew the others but they've integrated. He knew Joan when he saw her, knew Morton when he heard him. He could never tell which child alter (little one) he was talking to but he always knew when Maureen was there. Dr. D worked with them quite extensively but frankly, he doesn't know us very well as individuals because he hasn't worked with us. I believe doing a profile on a few individuals will help us identify needs to fill and process some of the feelings that lead to self deprecation.
Ariel Bianca (19-24) is more frustrated than angry. There is chaos inside her. She's less organized in thought and is hesitant to speak. Ariel Michelle (about 12) is the most anxious
teen. She rocks back and forth, worries about everything, has zero self confidence and is generally apologetic for her existence. She paints some but mostly draws in black ink. She now has a fountain pen so she can draw in ink with a fine calligraphy nib. Ariel Lovely (6) is curious about things and is sometimes brave. She's a giggler but quickly becomes overwhelmed. Robert (19) is clearer in this thinking. He can be raw in writings and speech, or gentle, sometimes poetic. He's on auto pilot while cleaning house but he is a gentle man who reminds us to take care of ourselves. Crystal (18) is wild like someone who has lost their mind. Steve (19) is filled with anxiety and paces back and forth. It feels like he's trying to find some hole in our head to slip out of and get way from all the chaos. He's a caged bird, and he can't breath.
Despite mental anguish and bouncing from project to project, today's goals were accomplished.
Tables and counters were wiped off.
The vacuum was run in the entire apartment.
We dusted a bit.
All the pets were cared for.
We did study and we did finish it.
Plants were given a fine mist.
Laundry was completed. We have clean clothes for a week.
We got our cup of tea, several in fact.
Despite our unconventional way of functioning, we did accomplish our goals. In therapy we will work on the underlying issues of self hatred and unrelenting anxiety.