Subject matter: Death of a child
I don't give trigger warnings very often but when dealing with the death of a child it feels warranted. This is emotional, not watered down.
I try to wrap my brain around what one support person did. I find it heroic. I couldn't do it. I think of it and my mind goes numb but she was in the room when life support was removed. It was peaceful they said. I wonder what that means?
I know he was in a heck of a lot of pain, too young to ever feel that degree of it. The love of a good parent is fierce. They'd just as soon rip off a limb, gouge out an eye to save their child. The amount of stress on the faces shows the tip of the iceberg. Lack of sleep is shown on slumped shoulders and jerked movements.
I'm tired, wiped out, shaky. I've taken the death hard, very hard but there are things to do. As a group we'll get them done. I'm not solo on this. When I'm wiped out then my friends take a their turn. We do a lot of checking in with one another, there's a lot of reassurance going around, a lot of comfort and solid support. I'm proud to be able to help but I must admit, I wasn't ready for the death of a child. I wasn't ready.
I keep thinking, what more can I do? What help can I provide? I want to cure it. I want to take it all back, get him back here. I'm shocked. I'm hurt. I hurt for the family and for the friends of mine who knew him.
In a supportive roll there is more listening than talking, which is the opposite of what I'm doing right now. At times we get lost in a stare, just staring out in space because its so unreal. It's like.....this isn't happening, this wasn't supposed to happen. Children don't die, they don't .....they just don't. So we're just sitting there, together, with our hands over our mouths, shocked, with blank eyes, trying to wrap our heads around this loss of life. As I write this entry, my eyes keep glazing over and I can't see anything. Time stops.
Death shocks the system and makes you question everything. Even when its someone we don't know, it affects us; we respond by showing more appreciation for one another. Death is a an explosive volcano that sends soot thousands of miles away. In the ashes of strangers we take stock of our lives, and see our quarrels are petty.