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still floating

Jolie B Studios
Used with permission by Jolie Buchanan

I  and another person supporting the family with a recent tragedy have found ourselves overwhelmed with physical symptoms.  We are the only 2 with Lupus, the other 2 are relatively healthy. Just like them, we kept going and going. I could feel my body's need to stop but I didn't entirely listen.

Right now my vision is so poor that the screen is a blur of white and black. That happens when my stress level is up as well as my pain level. My left side spasms then lets go, violently. I can't say support was the problem bc I always do too much. Why?

I'm often on autopilot, driven but not connected, walking just 5 inches off the ground. I 'Energizer Bunny' things then look back and think, I should have spread that out. It's my norm to keep going as if there's a penalty of death if I stop short of perfection. No less than a year ago my body said that business as usual has to stop. How?

One of my strongest, deeply entrenched PTSD symptoms is at work in me. For there to be any quality of life, I have to learn to live outside of survival mode and understand that updated coping skills are required, not optional.

Jordan written 12/30/16


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I have been in fight or flight since around age three when the first abuse took place. This body knows nothing but pushing through, surviving at all costs, as well as running from myself. Being in fight mode for so long means I've got slowly overcome 42 years of emotional and biological devastation. My adrenaline system is over used and no longer responds properly. My reaction time is exaggerated and my emotional skin is thin.

I could go on and on listing the issues I know I have. I overcompensate because in general I feel useless and easily forgotten. I don't want to be forgotten or left. When it comes right down to it, I feel like I should give and give and give because I owe a debt to society for being me.

I have the tools to help myself when I feel suicidal. I have tools to help myself when my anxiety is too high or when my pain level is too high. I have good coping skills for many life events, but I still have intense self loathing with guilt and shame anchoring me at the heels. I often check inside to see if I feel less of a hole in my gut, do I feel lighter at the shoulders, do I feel like my feet are on the ground or am I still floating?

I know how to cope with many of life's problems but I don't know how to change the central belief that I'm undesirable.

Jordan 12/31/16  9:39pm EST

No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.

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