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Can I grow like this? Are my roots deep enough?

Subject: PTSD from chronic illness, suicide comments, shame, on the upturn, not feeling positive

P17fieldfma - on the easel I wonder if it's possible for a patient to have PTSD after going through several physical pain experiences? This chronic illness torture makes me want to slice myself from navel to nose and and climb right out of your skin because my mind just can't take another second of the current pain.

I fear it. I fear the next flare up. I want to say that while on the up turn from this flare that I'll take advantage of each day I have where my pain is baseline, but I don't feel all gung-ho, lets get back to life, jump in the deep end. I'm not going to jump up and down and proclaim, "I'm happy to be alive!" Excuse me if I don't celebrate surviving that. I could use some nachos but I'll skip the party. I do feel refreshed after such good sleep since Tuesday evening. I feel a lot better but.......... sigh...........I'm shell shocked......and I'm angry.

Deepest Roots - AvailableI walked through a minefield and watched my body parts get blown off. I came back later when the bombs had been defused and I picked up my limbs. I'm pissed! I'm pissed that I'm going to do this again and again. If that's self pity, so be it.

Can someone help me find my mind, it's somewhere in the field still.

This flare up seems extra long. Maybe it's the same length but it feels extra long. I'm doing better on the steroid treatment than expected. It's helping.

I was in constant contact with my psychotherapist because I was walking a thin, dangerous line and I knew it. I lost myself and I knew I could no longer say with 100% certainty that I wouldn't take my life. That makes me sad. I did the right thing in reaching out immediately, but I'm saddened that the situation was so intense and so destructive that I lost perspective.

Dr D and I processed the emotional and physical disfigurement that takes place with a chronic illness such as Lupus and Regional Sympathetic Syndrome.

As I said, I feel like I'm on the up turn but I won't lie to ya, I'm scared of my body. When will it again come under attack? When will it take me to the brink of insanity....again? I remember looking at my therapist with tears in my eyes and barely got the words out, "Help me." ......... If I'm going to lose control of my body, might I be spared the loss of my mind? I have a feeling this disease thief is the merciless type, the type that comes in while you're home to steal you blind.

With my reprieve I may be angry, but I'll also be productive.

Jordan
February 3, 2017 - 2:45 am EST

2 thoughts on “Can I grow like this? Are my roots deep enough?

  1. MOMENTS

    Wonderful life account and images, which help us to express our emotions and thus we are able to continue living getting over problems, illnesses, loss of our dearest people, etc. Thank you for your beautiful blog.

    Reply
    1. Faith

      Thank you. I read some of your poetry and really like it. The one about being in prison was especially moving for me.
      Faith

      Reply

No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.

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