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I see myself fall apart

5:08 pm EST
I'm lost in this, trying to get out of my skin. This hurts so bad and I'm scared. I hate this!!
Father!

I've been hitting 9's since Sunday. It's not immediate, it's a gradual rise as I move around, as the air hits me or I move my head and my hair moves across my back. My eyes close and it hurts, my fingers move across the keyboard and it hurts. I hurt, everywhere.

The last few days I've tried to distract myself online and around the house. I've even tried to ignore the pain but today is a day where I say enough, it's pain med time. I'm going to try to make myself comfortable and see if I can get some sleep. I'd rather not stay awake during this, not if I don't have to. But I don't want to go to sleep. I want my muscles to stop spasming so hard in my shoulders. I want to get things done, and I'm hungry.

5:36 pm I took one pain med and put on my neck brace with pillow.
I get so afraid.

12:42 am Thursday March 23, 2017
Wednesday was a long day. I ended up needing to take pain meds twice. I felt like such a failure as if somehow I've done something wrong or shameful for taking what was prescribed exactly how it was prescribed.

I felt drunk with pain. I felt my muscles ripple as they let go and tightened again.
I used the sand mat on my chest while on a heating pad. Mary Jane slept on the weighted mat. The mat is about 2 x 2, around there I guess.
I finally at dinner around 9:30, spaghetti then later tossed frozen strawberries in 7up.
Other than today, I've kept up with my trying to empty anxiety on paper and leave it there.
I'm trying not to get sucked in by pain. Pain can make the walls close in on you. I lose my ability to connect with anything around me. I'm consumed and held in this black hole. I thought about trying to go somewhere in my head, leave my body on the bed and go somewhere else.
My joints crack but my muscles sound crunchy. I did deep shoulder rolls and squeezed my shoulder blades together... crunch, pop, crunch, crunch.
I want relief and mercy for this body of mine.
Monday's therapy session was another hard one.
It's time to call it a night.
Faith

No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.

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