Spinning. Saying My Peace.

Content: Suicide, strong emotion. This entry may not be considered politically correct. Comments and likes are off.

I slept well and hoped to have a better day but my head is still spinning, this time with anger.

As much as I don't want to see things go in the direction, they're going, I can't do anything about it. I have zero ability to contact her now. Showing up to where she used to work or anything like that is a terrible idea. Seeing the face of someone she hates isn't going to make her change her mind. The more I think about it, the more upset I am. I think it's cruel to watch and count down and not be able to do a single, solitary thing. The truth is, if she wants to, she's going to. Can someone else talk to her, they have, repeatedly and she's made up her mind. She left and is no longer answering calls. No response to anyone, at all. SHE HAS A THERAPIST !!!!!!

I know it sounds cold to say 'I don't want you to die, but I'm not willing to go to the ends of the earth to find a way to contact you.' Some people can't fathom that I'd say that... and that's good, they can't think of anything that would prevent them from finding their sister and showing up to try to tell her not to do this...... Good. I hope they never understand why.

I have to remind myself that I'm not the answer to her problems. I can't swoop in and save her, never could. Understanding that is important for me and it's important for her to know. She has professional support. If she wants support from them or from friendships she's had for decades, it's available from them.  She hasn't been abandoned by anyone. What she's done is given her goodbyes.

This is like that movie 7 Pounds which I loathed and found cruel!!! He had his best friend hanging on day and night waiting for a call for him to say goodbye. His best friend lived with the fear of every phone call because it might be him saying goodbye with his rush to try to save him. I hated that movie. There was nothing inspirational about it.

I keep trying to act like I'm not angry, but I am. I'm sympathetic, empathetic and angry. When my brother killed himself I was beside myself. I was totally beside myself. I didn't know he was going to do it but I've got this info about my sister now and I'm thinking to myself, ...seriously????!!!! Really???!!! Noooooo.

Maybe she thinks people would get over it quickly or that we'd find a way to go on. Of course we'll find a way to go on but why should we have to? Will it quickly go away? If it is possible for me to have scar tissue on my heart after dealing with our brother's death then I've got it. My heart is covered in it. It's a thick layer of scar tissue that won't ever go anywhere. Truthfully, I don't connect the same with others anymore. I don't risk caring so deeply anymore .... And now we come to you.

The timing of this information is insane. In therapy I realized that letting you go means truly moving forward. If you live or die, I still have to move forward. If I get information about you from people I run into, I'll still keep with my determination to move forward because I have to. But believe this, and I say it in the strongest terms possible...anyone, including you, who says I don't love you, is a liar.

I know some of your difficulties but not all. I'm sad with you, cry with and for you, but I'm angry, too. I understand why. I've tried before but I'm still angry. I know the loss you feel right now from our mother and brother is so deep and raw. From a distance I felt crippled by it and my heart is scarred after the death of our brother but I wasn't in their lives front and center. I can only imagine what you've got on your heart. I'm really sorry that these things have happened to you and I'm sorry you are ready to go.

In what seems like a total change of subject, you should be here for tonight's dinner. I'm having roasted lamb, greens, a few odds and ends, and naan. Later I'll have wine then close out the evening with tea. Other than the lamb, you'd like this evenings dinner. It'll be ready to serve in a few short hours.

Today's goal is to get some reading in before dinner hits the table. I'm going to do some leisurely reading about the time evening tea is ready, then finish the night off with the same book.

I have a few afternoon visitors tomorrow with a bit of studying in the evening. Monday is therapy. By Thursday evening the wallpaper for the dollhouse should arrive. It's old wallpaper sample books an elder has for me. After the wallpaper is up I'll put in the carpet and hang the curtains. The little dollhouse sewing machine symbolizes you. I'm searching for a dollhouse size violin and something that symbolizes me.

Faith
Saturday, April 15, 2017. 4:17 pm EST