Today's therapy discussion focused on family matters: mother's thorough brainwashing and effective divisive tactics, scapegoating, emotional boundaries between myself and all birth family and a recap of nightmares from a few days back. After writing this entry I was reminded of the paintings "Resilience Tree," so I included them in the entry.
I was awake all night and until around 10:30 this morning. I had my session to go over the graphically violent and blood dream about cannibals and going to a psychiatric prison for the mentally insane because I was guilty of murdering my child self, the inner child of my sister and the inner child of my brother. I'll pick up more on that topic later.
We talked about the complete lack of protection from my mother: physical, emotional and spiritual responsibilities were ignored or out right withheld.
My sister. I told him I'm not superwoman. I've shouldered her hate long enough and the decision to remove myself from verbal assault and battery was made before getting the news of her mental status. My position has not changed, still the thought of her being gone literally stops me in my tracks. The terror and grief of her ceasing to exist would result in a guttural scream with force enough to crumble buildings to their foundations. I can see me standing there in the middle of concrete debris and dust. I can see me standing there ... alone .... utterly demolished.
We talked about how I get a good part of what my sister is going through. My heart is heavy when I think about our past and present lives, about the loss of our birthright to be sisters who determine their relationship over the course of life. I feel like that right was abducted and murdered.
We talked about a conversation I had with my friend Jaga. We talked about the frequency of crisis with family and health. It was stated that there needs to be a period of reprieve so that we can get our legs back before the next health crisis, financial crisis, bombs being dropped after 50 years of storage. I realized that things aren't going to slow down, there will be one thing after another but Jaga and I have an advantage and that's called therapy. At this stage in life (midlife) the pace increases but I am confident I have the skills to shield myself from some of life's blows, bear the burden of others and still stand, thrive. I couldn't have made it this far had I not stayed in therapy and laid the ground work for these crazy days. Fortunately I found my place in the world which gives me a reason to use my therapy skills to manage life more effectively. Yes, I am weak-kneed. I'm fearful, stunned but not alone without a map. I at least have the gift of a good therapist and support system.
I'm not superwoman. I'm breakable. I'm not strong, but I am resilient, with a fierce will to thrive.
As I spoke to Dr. D, I felt listened to and like he understood without judgement why I've laid out this course of action with family. It was another heavy session. He's going to call me later this evening.
I'm not sure what tonight's dinner will be, nor have I planned the rest of the evening. Of course I have studying to do and there's tea to be had. May there always be tea.
My name is Faith
April 17, 2017 3:16pm EST