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Sister. Watch You Glow.

Holding Back the Light - unavailable
Holding Back the Light - unavailable

I hugged the lady very tight. She knows my sister. She gave me an update. My sister has locked herself in the apartment and there is still no movement, no contact, nothing has changed. They do know she was last seen in there. No phone activity, no FB activity.

I hand wrote a letter to her. I said nothing negative at all. I said she doesn't deserve to die and that I understand a lot of what she's going through. I asked her to rethink things, to let her support system do what she gathered them to do. She sought out good, solid supporters.  I know 2 of them personally.

Of her friends, I asked them to have patience with her. She's a 50-year-old woman who doesn't know what to do with herself. She has to be told what to do and when she's told, she will do exactly as she's instructed. She won't do more or less. The lady kept looking at me like it should be simple for her to function because she's a 50-year-old woman. I said, she's not a 50-year-old woman who has matured. Being on her own is culture shock. She has no clue what she's doing, none. I shared the story that tells exactly how she thinks. I told the story about the garbage bag that my mother told her to get. She got the bag and then waited to be told to put the trash in it. Her friend put her hand over her mouth then said, that's exactly what she does. She waits to be told what to do.

I asked that they be gentle with her and understand that her eye sight is limited, her ability to function without a master is limited. Please don't expect her to respond in a way she can't. Just because her body says she's 50 it doesn't erase that she's spent the last 50 years under dictatorship. She's afraid and lost, please be gentle with my sister, please don't judge her harshly for just standing in the middle of the room not sure of herself. It feels horrible to stand there knowing you're scared, knowing others think you should try harder but you just don't know how to respond. It's not in her training. Don't ask her to suddenly understand freedom when she only knows slavery.

The lady said she doesn't know how to create stability for herself. I reminded her that despite the house being owned, my mother and sister have lived with other people on and off. They've rented apartments, taken up space in a one bedroom apartment and leaned on pity. I said, she can't create something she's doesn't know exists. She doesn't know how because we never, ever had it. We were captives, period. Do you get that? We were not children, we were captives. She owned our thoughts, our actions, our bodies, everything.

We rightfully feared our mother. She got into our head. She told us she had people watching us. She told us to see her in our head and ask ourselves, would mother approve? Despite our age, she demanded we call her 'mommy', other times she wanted to be called by the sexual name my father called her when making love to her. (my nose has curled to the ceiling).

My sister is a woman child who was secluded and restricted in a dark closet life. She has been thrown into the bright light of possibilities, but not by her own choosing. Please let her eyes adjust to this new reality. Be gracious not judgmental. Be patient, please. Keep in mind, my sister never asked for independence. My mother died and now she has to try to ... live... This is culture shock. Please be patient. Let her talk crazy. Let her scream and rant, obsess and fall, let her fight her way to where her eyes can adjust to this life.

What the Heart Wants - Redbubble
What the Heart Wants - Redbubble

I love my sister very much. I miss my sister very much. I understand part of what my sister is going through and since I had the chance to get her a letter, I wrote it in hopes she'd hold on just a little while longer. I just need her to wait this out. I promise it'll get better. I'll be here from a distance rooting for you to succeed.

With every fiber of my being, I love you girl. I'm proud of the things you've accomplished. You can do this. I know you can. Now that I personally know who your support system is I every have confidence that if you let them teach you baby steps then you will also learn to soar. My sister, in my eyes you've always held a fairy tale position. In my eyes you have always hung the moon. I will watch you glow from a distance.

Faith

April 20, 2017 - 11:06pm EST

No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.

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