She’s All I Think About

The timing of this crisis with my sister is one that has been brought to my attention more than once, but I reject the idea that I should see this upset as anything other than coincidence. She hates me, she's not going to manipulate a person she hates by saying she's going to kill herself. She's not reacting to the entries I wrote about letting her go. I reject the idea that she feels anything at all for me so that she would act out because I said I no longer hope in ghosts. People can say what they want, the timing of this is coincidental, but my stand is firm and decisive.

I sent her a letter to go under her door. Her apartment is the last place anyone saw her or heard from her. I sent the letter because I had to. How could I not? When I realized I could possibly contact her I sent a letter through a friend of a friend.

My every waking thought is her but that's not how it was two weeks ago. Two weeks ago I felt ready to walk away emotionally. I felt ready to move forward and let the past stay the way they created it. But today, she's all I think about. She's all I think about.

I am functioning though. I'm eating, cleaning, studying and sleeping. I've done very little art work. I feel creatively constipated.

I wondered how my body would react to this issue. So far I've managed the pain but today is a little different. My finger tips and toes are freezing. Pain radiates from my ankles to my knees and are sensitive to the touch. I'm very cold.

I talk to Dr. D next Friday instead of this coming Monday. I'm able to contact him through the week, during business hours but there is no after hours contact. There is no emergency contact. I have to lean on the learned coping skills and use my support system. He's not my entire support system but he is a huge part of it. Not being able to contact him week ends or after hours works for us. It works for me and I like it that way. It can be a little difficult sometimes.

I have a new issue. My landlord is moving to evict me. Yeah, I know. It's ridiculous really. She sent me a letter that is glaringly stupidity. You'd better believe I know my renters rights. I'm going to court to plead my case. She wants to evict me over something she says happened Nov 19, 2017. She claims I refused entry for a cleaning inspection. This is false. I was home the entire day. I had Betty help me that day. The manager did not come for the inspection. I assumed it was a random selection of apartments and that mine wasn't chosen that time. The manager claims I have violated my lease with this supposed entry refusal and now demands I leave.

I know it's hard to believe that an eviction notice would be given over that. It's difficult to fathom and one might assume there is more to the story, and they'd be correct. The eviction has to do with her issues with things she's told me that can get her fired. She is not a good person but what does that have to do with me living quietly in my own space? I'm not vindictive, and  I have done nothing deserving of eviction, nothing.

I have contacted the owner about this nonsense. She won't like that either and will gun for me even harder.  Betty and I'm will go to court and tell them the manager did not show up.

My energy has to be rationed out. I have to take care of myself physically and emotionally or I will fall! I have to deal with the manager and her ridiculous claim. I have to focus energy on studies and the vow I gave in September. I have to trust that my sister will get what she needs from her support system. I have to let go of the fear of losing her and let her make decisions based on her abilities. I have to let her go just as I said I would. Even though my heart wants to beat on her door and demand she live, she try, I have to stay on track. This is excruciating. Not knowing anything. Not hearing anything, this is excruciating ...... and it has to stop.

I love my sister with all my heart, but as painful as it is, I have to stay on the healing trek. I have to walk away.

Faith
4/22/17-9:11pmEST

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