Minutes before my phone session with Dr. D I was told by my cab driver that Medicaid won't pay to transport me anymore. Of course I freaked out. I then decided I wouldn't think about this until Monday. Well, as I washed dishes (big issues with water phobia) I did so while going over what the cab driver told me. The gist of it is this: Nothing with my insurance has changed. The cab driver said she got a new contract to transport for a company which is clearly a higher paying transport. For quite some time my insurance only pays for 7 miles and only pay the cab company $10 each way. That has not changed. The only thing that has changed is the contract the cab got. I understand why I'm getting booted, I just wish she hadn't said my insurance won't pay for transportation anymore, and that's exactly what she said. That makes me mad too because she went on and on about how the change has affected so many people. She said, didn't you get a letter about it? Um, no, because you know very well there isn't a letter coming. Nothing has changed except that she made a business decision to take a contract. With this in mind, I have to search high and low to find someone who is willing to take me about 10 miles one way. That won't be easy but that's what I need to do. My insurance still covers transportation.
Dr D will continue to talk to me over the phone until I find a new cab company. I hate that though. Due to health issues, I was only able to get into see him twice a month, the other sessions were over the phone. In our sessions we relied heavily on art. As I drew today it felt pointless, totally pointless!!! Art is how I speak..........
Our professional relationship includes trust, boundaries, honesty and humanity.
It took some time to building a working relationship, but in that relationship he is validating. He also calls me on my crap which is needed. He isn't usually blunt but there are times when he shows irritation followed by a blunt statement. lol....Those statements usually have to do with Betty. lol. Even a reader called me out on the Betty situation.... with one sentence. 🙂 I appreciate that he's going to be human and show irritation or even anger. I don't want a robot for a psychologist. I want a human being and I want to leave him at the office.
Boundaries are a huge thing for me. There was a therapist I had that gave me his home number, the number to his parents house and the number to the phone in his car. I had access to him almost 24 hours a day. That for me isn't good because it also means he has access to me 24 hours day. In fact, he called me one time to tell me to turn on Oprah because Rosanne Bar said she has Multiple Personality Disorder. He told me about his sex life, about his boyfriend. He called me when they broke up. He called me when they fought over the house they had together. He and I had zero boundaries, zero. After that experience I no longer trusted a therapist who wanted to give me their home number. My experience with doctor's crossing boundaries is why I need Dr. D to keep his boundaries and not get so comfortable with me that he forgets to be professional. Other patients and therapists may be able to manage out of office contact and that is just fine. I have nothing negative to say about that. I don't want it because of the horrible experiences I've had.
My needs as a mental health patient are complex and they fluctuate in an exhausting way.
I need to see my therapist's face. I need to see his body language. All of that gives me information about how he receives what I say. Through body language he can be sympathetic, show that he's listening and really hears me or he can be dismissive or apathetic. Being able to see his face lets me know if he really gets the point of what I'm saying. Now I'll have to adjust to listening for this information.
Trust and reliability make me feel safe. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but; there's no doubt in my mind that I will have Dr. D as my therapist until he retires. The man is individually wealthy. If my insurance stops paying him he'd still see me at a price so low it's not even funny. I trust that Dr. D is going to be here for me, but sometimes things get complicated and I become terrified that something will happen that changes everything. I trust his responses, its unforeseen circumstances that worry me, like the cab situation or my health.
When my health started going down hill I asked him if he was in this for the long haul? Was he going to be able to go through the yo-yo of health issues? Could he see me break down and weep without being overwhelmed? He said it's hard to see me weep and sob. I know it is. I appreciate that he endures it.
I asked him if he understands that with Lupus and issues associated with it, there's only one way this ends. I needed to know if he can be the professional I need him to be? He said yes. I asked that question about 4 years ago. So far he's made adjustments to deal with my unpredictable health. Writing this makes me sad because I all but asked him if he will be able to see me in a state of exhaustion, bloated by medication, purple bruises, sudden spasms and a broken spirit. Lupus is ugly. It's destructive and robs the person of physical health, of stamina, of teeth, hair, sleep, dignity, a solid breath of air. Lupus is cruel. I asked him, can you watch me die? I wasn't trying to be dramatic. I just needed to know if he was able to bear this with me. Can you be there for all the ups and downs, the close calls, the plateaus, false hope, grief, anger and self pity? He said yes. Thank goodness because that's the answer I needed. I've had two very close calls one of which I was told to get my house in order. ........... My body scares me more than my mind.
Getting personal. There's a certain dependency that comes with seeing a therapist as long as I've seen Dr. D. The though of not seeing him anymore is frightening.
There is familiarity and a higher comfort level now. That familiarity gives way to personal comments, and on my part breaking boundaries. I don't know much about Dr. D's personal life. I basically know what he shows me in the office but sometimes what he shows me makes me worry for him. Dr. D is a brainiac that requires someone to help him live. Oh my Lord. I should have known he got married because he was wearing new clothes THAT MATCHED. His hair was cut. I'm telling you he is clueless when it comes to appearance and neatness. He's a total nerd, brainiac, guy.
Oh my gosh he makes me laugh sometimes. There were socks with holes in them that I had to tell him to throw away. Total guy. We gently discussed hair and not doing the comb over thing. He came in to work one day looking like he'd slept in his car. lol. But when he got married he stepped in the office smooth! I was lovin' those Italian shoes...and his laces were tided! I like the wife, she's making sure he does more than think. His office is even clean now.
All those visuals are lost over the phone, but they are strong in my memory. lol. Tuesday afternoon I will begin my search for a new cab company. I look forward to going in to the office once again to see 'who' Dr. D is on that day.....and the wonderful changes his wife has made in him...... Bless that woman....and give her strength so this man can deal with me. I have issues.
Art Title: Every Direction
Art by: Faith-Magdalene Austin
Size: 5.5 x 8.5
Media: mixed media on paper,
Finish: signed, unsealed, unmounted
Style: Outsider Art, Art Therapy,
Purchase locations - Original on Etsy, Prints on Redbubble.
April 30th, 2017-12:16 am EST
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