tightening my grip

I haven't been to too many blogs lately, not many at all. I'm not in a good spot, easily depressed, easily triggered. I feel like I'm tightening my grip, bringing in the walls around me a little closer so as not to get too overwhelmed. I feel like a fake for smiling and laughing. I'm not a fake, it's just that there are several of us. I feel like a total boob for switching personalities left and right and forgetting to answer the door for a friend. She knocked, I peeked out the hole, looked at her and walked away. It was as if it didn't click that I should let her in. She called me to tell me she was at the door...still.

I can get through this patch.
I'm not even sure if I'm making sense.
Dissociation and anxiety will get worse as the 18th draws near. That's when the apartment manager is coming to do a semi annual cleaning inspection. I don't want to see the woman. I wish I could have someone here with me but I don't have anyone available that day. I will maybe try to have someone on the phone with me when they first get here. I need Jordan to do deal with the manager, just Jordan.

I never did a therapy session review for Monday because I didn't know how to start it. I talked to Dr. D about Robert wanting to do work when we see him in person but that he may be working more closely with Crystal over the phone as opposed to me, Jordan or someone else. He's fine with that. He knows to only call us Faith though. We never have anyone call us anything but Faith. It makes it easier. The thing is, Crystal wants to change her name. She does not want this name she has because of its association. Changing names isn't new in our system (see updates section at the bottom of About, too page). When a name change takes place its a good thing. I don't think anyone has ever changed their name twice. She wants a new name so she's got her ears open. I watched a wolf documentary about the Druid wolf pack of Yellowstone Park and listened for the name of one of the alpha females but she only had a number. Whatever she had been named, if it wasn't a number, that name would have most certainly been chosen. Because of her demeanor some refereed to her as the Dark Sister but that's not gonna work either. Wish they'd given the wolf a real name.

For the last several days my muscles have been so stiff I can hardly move. Standing takes a lot of effort. And what is with my stomach? It's bulging like I'm pregnant.

enough complaining,

A. Bianca

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