Snow took me to therapy. I chattered the entire time about why on earth Prez Trump would allow these men in the Oval Office itself. Is he losing it or acting? I asked the same question of my therapist who said he has the maturity of a 5 year old. He then said, "among other things." Understanding the level of ???? that Prez Trump shows has been disturbing.
I seem to need to know why people behave the way they do. Why are people so disrespectful. Why are people so hateful, willingly hateful? Why is it so difficult to live beside another person without seeing them as lesser than? Why? And yet I know why. I was raised a bigot. I understand the thinking process, the training it takes to have someone believe that another human being isn't equal to you. But then we have to consider my background of abuse and neglect at well. Wouldn't I understand, from experience, that there are some people who simply don't matter and they are there to be abused? All the things said against me, against my person have left a huge mark. I believed them and still struggle with seeing myself as equal to others. As a survivor of abuse I know from experience that some people aren't equal to others. They aren't believed for whatever reason. Its okay to overlook them, okay to blame them for everything, okay to laugh at them in their face, okay to step on them. Isn't that the perfect set up for teaching a person how to view others on a sliding scale of worth?
Mixed in with that abuse were outright statements about two race groups. I was taught to see them differently. Even though I'd never met one in my life, that group of people....well, they are guilty of xyz and to see them (location and skin color) as anything other than vile would be to deny my heritage. In mid life it is more important now to hold on to my heritage and express it but I have learned to see through the lies I was told. How on earth could 'all of them' of that color and location be bad? How is that possible? You can't be bad because of where you're born or because of the color of your skin. That isn't possible!! Oh but I certainly remember the day when I met, face to face, for the first time ever, a person I was raised to hate. Truly, I could have spat in that total stranger's face, instead I just walked away in the middle of his sentence. The flag on his hat didn't register immediately. I mean my goodness, what's he doing in this state anyway? I forgot something though, there's a whole community of people from that part of the world, but I was fine with them because their skin color matched mine.
I believe that living in a certain location where unrest has taken hold can and will change human perception. Ireland. Jerusalem. Pakistan. Ukraine. Australia. Can you be free of racially provocative statements in those areas or countries? No. Their children will hear the history of clashes told over and over. I do not challenge the validity of atrocities, my point is that these stories can teach hate if they aren't used as a tools to prevent a repeat. My point is that hatred is passed down and that it can be hidden behind the word heritage or nationalism.
How a person views the world depends on where they live and the experiences in that area, but eventually we all must open our eyes and see past our living room window.
I was raised to hate myself based on how I was treated and what was said. I was raised to hate and never realized how strong that hate was until the day I stood in front of a total stranger wanting to spit in his face. It took looking at those feelings and messages head on, with no excuses, in order for me to let hatred of others go.
There is an entire continent of people spotted with individuals I was taught to hate. Yes, I know past and not so distant history of several countries on that continent. I know... but eventually someone has to stop hating based on color...someone has to say enough. It's not that easy, is it?
2:28 pm EST