The rant comes from the last entry written and the helpful comment left.
A few sessions ago Dr. D said something to me that made me flinch. He said, it seems important that you be treated fairly. I flinched because the word fair was used. It sounded so childish. He went on to explain that for most of my life I was abused. Most of my life until I left home at age 19 was filled with back and forth of being in nice homes with her to living in garbage heaps with her to going to foster care to living in a car. And why did these things come about? According to my mother, I was the root of all her problems.
I was a scapegoat. An arrow pointed right at my face when it came to trying to explain why things in her life weren't going well. Her family would never accept her. She'd never marry again. She's never have any friends. According to her all that was my fault. The entire family took part in abusing each and every one of the children including cousins, everyone took part. Was that fair? No.
What I heard Dr D say was, "You seem obsessed with being treated fairly." That's not what he said at all. At no time did he make it sound childish that I expect people to act like they have some sense. But my history and social training makes the word fair sound rather childish. What's the answer to not feeling like something is fair? Life's not fair! How diminishing and dismissive!!!
Victim. Professional victim. The word victim alone has such a negative impact on our thinking. No one is allowed to think of themselves as being victimized because to do so is to take on deep and tangled stigma. So exactly what is socially acceptable for a person to feel when they've been wronged? We don't even like to say that people who died of a terrible disease were victims of that disease. To be a victim seems to have the connotation that somehow we were complicit in the offense.
Now days the word victim is related to weakness. It's also associated with guilt as if somehow the victim was asking for it.
Victim is not a word acceptable to use. We see victims of crime ripped apart in court and in the news as if somehow they had something to do with the behavior of a third party. There are even different types of victims, ones who lead a high risk life and those less likely to be victimized. Today's world doesn't even allow our children to be victims. Read about a girl whose been abused by her teacher and you'll read a hundred comments and articles about how young girls today blah, blah, blah. Boys being victimized is laughed off in late night TV.
When taking psych tests they ask the question, do you feel you got a raw deal in life? Do you feel life is unfair? The answer to those questions is yes. For most people the answer is yes.
We can't ask the question 'why me' because that somehow makes us impotent and full of self pity. We are not to question hardships caused by others. We are not to feel tired or broken by the actions of others. We are to be fighters and write out our life story so others can be inspired by how much crap we took without losing our mind.
It is not okay to feel that my suffering is wrong. It's not okay to say I was victimized and that the only thing I want now is what is right. I want peace. I want simple. I want a shower, a hot meal and a good night's sleep. But that is not going to happen because my mind has been hijacked and my body is in shreds. I am exhausted. I am tired and I am angry.
I am a victim of my health and yes, in many ways my childhood abuse still victimizes my current reality. No. I'm not going to try to take these life lemons and see them as anything other than sour. I hate what was done to me and what I'm left with.......shattered pieces and stigma.
6:52 pm EST