In the words of an 80's pop star, "I see your true colors shining through..." specifically yellow on the belly and shades of gangrene where your spine should be.
I have medication. I now have about 6 months worth of refills. With that information let me move on into the details. The reason I say the GP showed his true colors is because he didn't write the scripts. An appeal to the practice owner resulted in refills of much needed medication. He was generous with refills.
Here's the thing, I feel guilty. I feel at fault. I feel horrible. I feel let down. I feel ignored. I feel like I wasn't worth his time or effort. I feel I wasn't worth him even trying to connect with. I feel I'm bad and that's what caused all this. I feel, I feel, I feel. Well, that's enough of that. I need to give some time to reality and the reality is, he is cruel. Despite talking to him about it, despite talking to the office manager about it, he could not bring himself to treat me. He .... hurt me, as a patient, he hurt me and it matters when people hurt me.
There's something I learned to do a very long time ago. I spoke of it in other entries. I always have a plan of self care. Had I not gotten medication from the GP, had things gone wrong at one of their walk in care facilities, I still would have had all medications in their proper doses for the next two months. I never, ever, leave the most important things in the hands of another human being. I do not give my trust to a medical system that has consistently fumbled or treated me like a guinea pig. Having hit a level 10 pain more times than I can count, I would never, ever leave pain management purely in the hands of another human being. That trust has been broken. The need is too great, the risk too life threatening, to hand over, ever.
I make certain I keep that two month supply up to date by using the older medication first. Nothing in my house is older than 3 months.
There are some things I understand when it comes to my GP. I understand that difficulties can become so overwhelming that they disrupt every second of your life. I get that he had personal stuff going on outside the office and that part of his attitude problem has been attributed to it. I get it. You're human, too. What I don't accept is the practice of arrogance in place of medicine. What I don't accept is your refusal to acknowledge my presence in the room. You were so rude, so bothered that you had to be in the room with me. You didn't even attempt to hide it. Instead of practicing medicine you washed your hands of me....and I of you.
4:06 pm EST