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When I flip my lid

I can jump from zero to 60 in no time flat. (sigh) Without a phone call I was able to fix the Etsy situation. I learned something about it. I realized I feel more financial anxiety these days.Walk with Me by SUNDRIP - Art for LifeLet me tell you what happened the day I found out Etsy wanted to act stupid. I got a letter in the mail saying a bill of mine will increase each month by about $13.00.  I thought, um, where is that money going to come from. I thought about mounting bills in amounts others would laugh at. I told myself not to worry because a sale through PayPal or Etsy always comes through. There's always a slow trickle that comes in, so that I can say, "I have enough". AND THEN Etsy went and cut off my dang on trickle! okay!! You can not cut off a girl's trickle. What on God's green one am I supposed to do if Etsy cuts off my dang on trickle?

I was so mad. The whole, "We're not giving you your money" stuff was taken personally. It was like Etsy said hey, um, I know you use your own art supplies. I know you spend your time working on stuff but......we're going to remove control from you. We will tie your hands. You have no control of your work. Forget your silly household finances, we don't care, we're taking control.

I keep using that word control because it felt like they stole it. I felt helpless. I was looking at a dollar amount that I earned in big, black, bold letters...and I couldn't have it. I felt robbed and like I didn't have control over my own artwork. I felt ....small.

One unexpected twist in my life today can flood me with emotions linked to past experiences.

I actually wrote to Etsy and said, as if it's not hard enough to make ends meet, you want to come along and keep my $14? I said, do you honestly want to do that? I got an email back that said the money would be in my account within 3 to 5 business days. ...... Am I grateful? Partly.

Give me my money!

I give art away. I give people free, quality art all of the time. It's not always about the money. The painting at the beginning of the entry called, "Walk with Me" was given as a gift, a free gift, with nothing attached. I gave it to someone I use to know because I wanted her to have it. She didn't ask me for it. It was just a gift. I enjoy giving art that moves people, and I do it regularly.

So why did I flip out over $14 when it's not always about the money? It's not always about money, but it is about choice and ownership. Those things felt scraped off me. By holding those funds, I heard them say, "You don't reap the benefits of your work. You can't have what belongs to you." I still have to mail it out. The person still gets the product but dang it, I have to somehow pay the shipping. Shipping costs are included in the cost of the product. It just felt so wrong! Soooo, I flipped my lid.

Finding Up - The view from down hereNow (sigh) we enter a new era of Etsy but we also enter an era of me being very, very watchful of how fast I go from zen to tangle.

Oh, boy I do hate this. I know. I know. I know, that PTSD and the life I lead with Lupus has changed my personality. I know it's changed my body and how it responds to stimuli, but I still need to remember that flipping my lid has consequences and it can be hurtful to others. If I were to flip on a person quickly, they'd get a blast of emotion they weren't expecting. How would that make them feel? How would my lack of control make them feel? I know there are huge issues that fuel my emotional outbursts and melt downs, but I still want to somehow, someway control myself.

Jordan
July 5th, 2017 11:59pm EST

Published on Categories Anxiety, Art, Chronic Pain, PTSD, The People Behind My Eyes

About Faith

SUNDRIP – Art for Life is a site that expresses in every media possible an intimate look into the life of a person living with major trauma. The issues addressed in art and writing include Dissociative Identity Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Lupus and CRSD. Despite these issues, I intend to move forward, through and out with honor, grace and creativity.

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