I don't think Monday can get here fast enough.
This entry is going to get personal.
I feel my brain doing everything it can to run from remembering the other day in pain.
There's a problem one many on these meds know all too well. The meds make your stomach like cement. I could eat fresh spinach daily, eat fresh fruits daily, flax, flaxseed, straight up fiber daily and it would still be cement. That's a problem.
When I have one of those episodes where I spasm repeatedly from under my breast line to my knees, I end up vomiting and there's a chance I'm going to lose my bowels even if what's being moved is stone. This is painful. Chronic anal fissure is painful.
I knew Tuesday I was hurt. I was hoping it was a hemorrhoid but its not. Then I said to myself, my gracious, I hoped for hemorrhoids. I'm going to be an alcoholic before this is over.
Seriously though, it's nearly too painful to clean up after using the restroom and just awful to put the steroid cream on it. Gracious!!! With a fissure it hurts to laugh, to sit, to cough, sneeze. Anything that puts pressure on that wall, hurts. I laugh and joke around a lot. I'm goofy, a natural born giggler. Right now I'm like, for real? Seriously? It now hurts to laugh?
It is hard to push against processing the emotion of it outside of therapy. The reason I'm not is because I'm not emotionally stable enough to do so, so I busy myself with helpful things. When Monday rolls around I'll talk to Dr. D. We'll process those few days and we'll figure out how to manage this added pain to the upcoming dental pain and everyday Lupus and CRSD pain.
There's a lot of self soothing and self care going on right now.
I have to remember that pain isn't the only thing in my life. It lords over me for sure, but I've got more than a beat up body.
The last flare of spasms has created great sadness, fear and physical exhaustion, but there's still a feeling of motivation and a warm spark that reminds me to keep growing. I feel like crap, no pun intended,.... actually, I got nothin' else after that. I'm done. I still laugh at myself so all is not lost 🙂
Anal Fissure as described by the Mayo Clinic
An anal fissure is a small tear in the thin, moist tissue (mucosa) that lines the anus. An anal fissure may occur when you pass hard or large stools during a bowel movement. Anal fissures typically cause pain and bleeding with bowel movements. You also may experience spasms in the ring of muscle at the end of your anus (anal sphincter).
External Hemorrhoid and Hemorrhoid as described by Harvard Medical School
If a blood clot forms inside an external hemorrhoid, the pain can be sudden and severe. You might feel or see a lump around the anus. The clot usually dissolves, leaving excess skin (a skin tag), which may itch or become irritated. Internal hemorrhoids are typically painless, even when they produce bleeding.Jan 27, 2016
Always use good medical resources even when looking up the most simple medical issues.