Roberts' session contents: Physical torture, her need for humiliation, my need for self harm, an adult grooming young girls
We picked up where we left off Friday when we discussed physical torture and how insane it is to step back and watch that situation. It's got to be hard for anyone to picture a woman with a dowel rod over the body of her child. Despite giving me a few minutes to rest, the whole focus was on her needs. The mother abused us in the presence of others more than once. As I talked to Dr. D I was very dissociative and my words became jumbled. I had to close my eyes to concentrate on each word coming out of my mouth. I made a cup of Chamomile Bloom and was able to relax to an anxiety level of 6 or 8 to continue the session.
In addition to the experiences discussed last week, we talked about how the mother held groups for neighborhood girls. The girls would meet at my mother's house for a night out. There were about 4 other girls in addition to my sister and me. She took us to the skating rink and to the arcade. Before we went we'd gather in the living room waiting for the mother to appear. All the girls chatted but sometimes the mother was in the mood for harm so she'd find some reason to pull me or my sister to the back and beat us with the dowel rod. She'd send us back out to the living room to sit with the girls while we waited for her. The girls were shocked, not sure what to do. She loved to humiliate us.
The girl next door that I was sexually active with was not allowed in the group. The girls my mother had were of my age and my sister's age. The girl next door was about a year younger than me.
My mother was very well aware of the relationship. There was a time the girl came up to our car to wave bye as we were leaving. I got out of the car, held her head and slowly licked the side of her face from chin up. My mother said, "How gross." I got back in the car and we drove away. .... Let me just say that if my daughter in the 4th grade licked a child that way we'd have a conversation or five. The only conversation was that I responded to my mother by pointing out how beautiful the girl's skin was. It was not acceptable for me to like dark skin. It was acceptable to be sexually active with the neighbor but the mother objected to the dark skin.
The fact that I find dark skin exceptionally beautiful was a point of teasing even after I left home. Anyway.......
The mother saw those girls as projects and called them that. She said she wanted to mentor them, make them over.
I only remember her having a club of girls while I was in the fourth grade but I remember her playing kickball with neighborhood kids when I was in the second grade.
The 4th grade saw a lot of interest in children from the neighborhood and with outside activities after the sun went down. At night, she would race me and my sister. She loved to run. It must have been a strange sight to see the three of us tear down the street. My sister was fast and always won. I wanted to beat my mother so badly I couldn't see straight, but she always ran faster.
Past the 4th grade, I don't recall her interacting with us or the neighborhood children in this way.
Looking back at these situations I see how well she groomed us and how well humiliation worked to keep us in line and to fill her needs. The problem I'm having is that when I feel humiliated now, I want to hurt myself. Dr. D thought I was talking about beating myself up.
No, I meant self harm. I told him that I understand I don't have be punished for expressing emotion in the presence of others. I feel humiliated by what happened with the GP but I don't have to hurt myself because of that emotion.
We talked about the doctor's that I fired in the past and that what they did was wholly wrong. I was right to fire them. He asked if I'd ever fired someone when I was the one in the wrong. I told him I didn't want to go down that road because I'm trying to stabilize in my head that I don't have to hurt myself when others behave in a negative way. I said I need to remember that I am not bad and that I'm not always the problem. He said, but I think it's important to explore that area. I said no. Later in the conversation he said that even if there was a point where I contributed to a situation going sour, I still do not have to be punished for it. I agreed.
The entire session was to establish in my head that I do not have to harm myself in response to feeling humiliated or abandoned. That was the point of going over the details above. My mother added pain with humiliation but I must not continue that cycle.
July 24, 2017 - 3:00 pm - 3:51 pm EST