Dr. D started off the session with, did you know there's going to be an eclipse today? He said, I wanted to let you know because its going to get dark. I didn't want it to catch you by surprise. It would have but I would have figured it out I think, maybe.
Michelle 2:13 pm
We talked about how my sister lived with my friend and her husband only three miles from me. She lived there for a year. A year! We went to the same grocery store but never ran into one another. How is it possible to be that close to me but not see me? Dr. D asked what about this knowledge is so upsetting. It's the magic, ya know, the wand that tosses out fairy dust that makes her see me in a different light. If she could just see me from time to time maybe she wouldn't hate me so much. Its the fantasy of her changing because I need her to.
What a vicious thing to tear family apart by abuse and lies. That is a crime that keeps offending.
We talked about how to move past how I think about my sister, how I think about my needs from her. It all starts with my thinking. If I change my thinking I can change my actions. Maybe I'll stop longing for her so grievously.
First and foremost, I have nothing to prove.
I'm not disgusting or dirty. I've not committed a crime to say the opposite. I don't have to convenience myself of anything. It is well established that I'm lovable. That was one of the biggest and most destructive lies they told.
What thoughts can overshadow past negative messages? What needs am I hanging on to as I bang my head against a brick wall?
- I can overshadow negative messages by remembering life accomplishments and goals.
- Remember that my life is not stagnant. I am growing at my own speed.
- Think about gifts I have such as Snow and Ivy and many others. Snow and I are particularly close. She says she thinks of me as her little sister. Why can't I be her little sister? Family of choice doesn't have to be negative but my heart fights it hard! I feel like I'm only family if it's a bloodline or if a woman wants me as her daughter. I feel like I need a name associated with my bloodline. In this way I will be someone. I'm no one without a name to trace back. But that is not true. I feel that way, but that feeling crowds out the gifts and blessings I have in friends who truly love me.
- I have to remember what belongs to me and what does not. I am not blessed with a loving bloodline. That gift is not mine. I can not long for what doesn't belong to me.
- I have to remember that my past isn't going to go away but I can work with it and still find joy. I can do that.
- I need to think and feel, then rationalize.
- It's okay to be proud of who I'm becoming.
- I have inalienable rights and I will exercise each and every one of them.
Right now I'm drunk with magical thinking but I want fairy tale sobriety. lol. It's scary to let her go because of all the what ifs. What if I just wait it out a little bit longer? What if I let her go and she really needs me? Does it have to be all or nothing? Can I go back and forth with my sister and keep my head stable and keep myself from verbal assault? Can I keep myself safe emotionally so that she doesn't lead me in, only to sadistically drop me on my head ......its so mean. I fall for the set up every time so yes, it does have to be one way or the other.
I let my mother go. It was hard to walk away. It was harder to put an emotional barrier between us so that I didn't need her anymore. If I do that with my sister then I cut any and all lines back to who I am. I need to belong.
I'm just a stray. That's what it feels like. This is where I have to think.
That's not true. I'm not a stray.
I go in to see Dr. D in his office Friday. Friday sessions are primarily for Robert. We'll look at his art work and writings in his handwritten journal.
7:20 pm - 8:09 pm EST