Content: Discussion of child torture and sexual abuse, the affects of emotional abuse, feeling hated during violent abuse, dental appointment
Yesterday the dentist used a very triggering phrase, 'open your mouth wide and keep it open.' I did but I couldn't keep my head together. I just lost it. I was in the chair feeling so small. In my head I thought, you let her do it. You were too scared to say no so you opened your mouth and you let her hurt you. The woman standing above me repeatedly changed from dentist to my mother. I see myself as nothing, just nothing.
The mother stopped sometimes and I could see her eyes. there was no smile, just the face of someone that seemed so big and so fierce that I let her do whatever she wanted, even when it was excruciating.
Letting the mother abuse me feels like I wanted it. It feels like I should have fought, should have said no. Part of me realizes that I'm looking at my young self as a woman with her own power. I can see I was a child raised to fear her mother. As my therapist and I discussed, the mother abused every part of my body including my lips. She put needles in my feet, hands and mouth. Dental appointments make me cower.
If I met a child who endured what my mother put me through I'd collapse inside for her. My insides would just fall to the floor. I'd see her as abused, violated, criminally violated. But I am too close to the situation when that child is me.
At the dentist they decided to do a cleaning at the end of the procedure. The tech used a tool that rotated and sprayed water at the same time. The water kept spraying me in the face. I had a choice between that tool and the scraping tool that is metal with a needle turned end. Which ever tool used, it was going to be bad. I haven't looked at my new smile in the mirror yet. I should do that.
4:13 pm EST