Funerals have a way of making you think about life in deeper terms and with focused eyes.
I don't think I've been hugged so much in one day. Yes, it hurt and yes I required pain meds after, but I wouldn't have traded those hugs for anything or passed them up. They moved but they are still able to come here and to come to my Hall. That makes me happy.
There was a moment at the funeral where I was saddened on a very personal level. Of course I know I have friends who are better than family, but it still stings when I hear of how large a family others have. The person that died was a mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, sister, aunt, on and on. All of those people loved her. I want to be loved that way.
I've been thinking a lot lately about focusing on those who love me as opposed to facing the direction of those who have no use for me at all. Today a little kid ran up to me and threw his arms around me. We are not related. His half sisters came up and threw their arms around me. We are not related by blood, nor am I related to any of the 30 some people who hugged me today, people I know personally. You know what it did for me? It helped me focus on the people who love me. It was a loud and clear reminder that I'm not damaged goods. I have a place and that people can see some good in me even if my own mother couldn't. Yes, it was sad thinking of what I will never be. I won't be a daughter by relation. I won't have children or grandchildren. It hurts to know that, but what I do have is a wonderful group of people who love me genuinely. It's about time remember more than pain full force. I need to feel full force what my friends and their kids offer.
Funerals have a way of making you think about the here and now as well as the future.
I am a nurturer. I'm very domestic. That's just me. In the place I'm at right now, I have an opportunity to share these qualities safely with people of all ages. Even though I grieve for my blood relatives, I should never forget those who smile, run up to me and throw their arms around my waste. That's better than gold.
No, I am not a daughter, sister, cousin who is cherished. But I am a friend to many. As it turns out, that's not a bad thing to be.