When thinking about losing Jane, I don't feel crippled by it. I feel bad about that because it's almost like I should be out here falling apart, but I'm not. I feel bad that some reached out but she died anyway. I feel bad about that but I hope they realize they did make a difference. Reaching out always makes a difference.
There's a huge hole where Janie used to be. The house isn't the same at all, but it's still better because she was once here. I think that's what I still feel the most, very grateful.
My heart is heavy concerning my brother. I heard him play the cello, my favorite instrument. I thought I was going to burst into tears. I've never heard him play the cello before, just the violin, so watching and hearing him was rather moving. A long time ago I said I never got to tell him how proud I am of his accomplishments with music and with the children's orchestra. You could see in his face that he loved his job.
I try not to be so angry with him. I try to write out my thoughts and put them in the violin I have but sometimes I see his photo and think: you robbed us all. And when I can't stand to think of him anymore, my mind goes back to Mary Jane and all the warmth and mischief she provided. Two beautiful souls gone seems so wrong.
My inability to reach out more and to create more should be chalked up to grief and feeling left behind, feeling cheated. This feeling started before Mary Jane died but got stronger after.
At least I can stand to hear the violin without doubling over in tears. That's progress. And I can talk about Mary Jane with genuine happiness and positive flowing emotion instead of having a double whammy of grief and guilt. At least there's that.
There's a feeling of loneliness and sadness that is creeping up. It's related to life changes that have taken place recently. Interestingly enough, the changes are positive but it's still change and it still feels like a loss. I watch loneliness and sadness creep up like flood waters to my ankles. I know it's going to eventually cover my head if I don't move to higher ground, but I feel stuck in the mud.
I've been trying to spend less time in my bedroom because I don't want to end up choked out by depression. I don't want to hibernate back here before it's time. Mid winter I'll have this area heated more than the rest of the house which means I'll hibernate back here but there's still time in the season to enjoy the rest of my home. I've always loved the windows and the natural light that shines in. That never gets old.
As of recent, there's no plan to get another pet. I had been looking for a dog but for many reasons that arrangement fell through. I'm the type of person that needs something to love and nurture. I need something to fuss over, that's juts me. So, I'm throwing around the idea of devoting the next six months to my community. This will get me out of the house, add structure and provide a way for me to reach out. As I said, reaching out is never a wasted effort. In a few months I'll revisit the pet situation.