When I talked to Dr. D he asked how I did with him gone. I didn't want him to think I cared or needed him so I told him I did just fine. I told him I needed the vacation time too, which is true. I didn't want him to go for two weeks. The timing felt bad. I felt like I was in the middle of a medical crisis and really needed my therapist. He has this confidence that my friends will support me. My friends are confident my therapist will support me. I don't feel too supported with the depression and such lately. Someone else will do it, that seems to be the standard.
Since I'm saying these things and really feel it, I will let Dr. D read this. I'll have to tell him that it feels as if he gives too much in the way of assumptions to the rest of my support system. The others in my immediate support system don't know what to do or say or even how to listen sometimes. And it gets old having to be the one to always bring up, oh, by the way, I'm depressed and grieving...still!!! I want someone to care enough to ask how I'm doing. I want someone to care enough to say, hey, how are you doing with your brother? I remember you confided in me about feeling suicidal, how is that going? I don't want to always be seen as the strong one because strong people will always be okay and no one should really worry because the strong person will see herself through.
I'm still upset with Dr. D about feeling like addressing suicide with me wasn't of top importance because he felt I'd be okay. That says he didn't take me seriously. He didn't hear me, didn't see the tears, didn't believe me. He assumed my friends would step to the plate and help but my friends don't know what to do. I have one friend who thinks suicide is for the weak and another who is offended spiritually by it. How do I open up to them and talk? When I felt suicidal it didn't make me weak! To have someone say its the easy way out and walk away from you offended is rather painful. This is the only subject I've known Snow to be totally unreasonable and unwilling to change her opinion. That rejection is painful. I won't ever bring it up with her again.
Basically, he went on vacation with me mad at him and hurt. This one subject has been a total let down from the beginning and it's not going to change. I know he said he'll work on it but the man has said that before and it doesn't happen. He'll say, I don't remember us discussing that. My thought is, take better notes!
I honestly don't even want to discuss it with him anymore. There's no reason for me to ever tell him again that I'm feeling suicidal. There is no reason for me to trust that his response will be any different from the last thirteen years. He has and will consistently drop the ball on this subject. I know he'll try to say again that he'll work on it or that I'm not giving him a chance to change things but thirteen years worth of no change tells me not to waste my time on this subject. It seems anything but suicide is open and heard. This makes me so angry.
So he's back from vacation. Yay rah! So what.
He can ask if I'm suicidal (sure he will) but I'm not willing to have that conversation anymore especially when it won't be helpful, it won't be heard for what its worth. Forget it. The answer from now on is no. I'm fine. I don't like getting hurt. I'm not beating my head against that brick wall of not being heard. Like I said, this has been an ongoing issue one I just put a stop to by never bringing it up again. I will talk to my elders or someone other than him about it. I certainly won't talk to Snow or Betty about it.
I'm so angry I could spit. I am so angry right now for consistently abandoning me on this subject.