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Wonderfully made. It’s complicated.

My wounds aren't pretty. At one time I saw huge boils on my feet and ankles. I saw my feet turn black and the skin slip off. I saw my toes painted with medicine that turned them reddish-brown and intensified the horror. And yet there is beauty in it all. How can there be beauty in blackened toes and top layer skin that has died? Because I'm healing.

I've even photographed from the beginning to now, boils and all, and new skin under the dead where the boils used to be. I have photo proof that my Designer created me to heal. Despite flinching at horror show type wounds, the stuff of Hollywood, I see beauty in my design and agree that I am wonderfully made.

I got a different wheelchair two days ago that is easier to use than the other. I can get myself around so much better. It seems in the chair I have a need for a security blanket over my legs. I have a feeling small afghans and I will have a special relationship from here on out. I feel more hidden, less self-conscious with a small blanket over my legs.

It'll be interesting to see how I progress with the emotions associated with amputation. Though the healing aspect is beautiful, there's shame. I want to cover up. I didn't expect to feel shame. We're working on that in therapy as well as some anger that has crept in. It seems I'm depressed and angry.

Yesterday I went to see the surgeon who will perform one last surgery. He's waiting for time between the last. Again, I'm afraid of it, afraid of not surviving it. There are so many factors at play that complicate a relatively straightforward surgery. I just shake my head and drop tears.

Going to see the doctor meant getting dressed. I was strong enough to wear clothes for the first time in 60 days. Who knew a T-shirt and sweats would feel like a huge accomplishment. Sure did take a photo.

My time at this nursing home will be significant. I'm happy with the room change. The last I reported I was sharing a room, but in the comments I mentioned that yet another change took place which gave me a private room in long-term care. I can hardly keep up with the changes myself but I'm pleased with this one, especially since I'm going to need this room for a good long time.

I hung a fresh lavender cache in my room today. Me without lavender? That's unnatural!

There is no art on the walls but I do have house plants and a spot where I retreat to recharge with tea. Instead of fresh flowers, people bring small plants. I have six happy plants on my dresser by the window, and a small collection of bagged tea. I look forward to bringing in some of my own teas, the good stuff, to really make that spot special.

Good stuff this week
Wearing clothing instead of a hospital gown for the first time in 60 days.
I hung lavender in my room and put it in my pillow case.
I got to visit w the therapy dog and cat here at the rehab center.
Mint chocolate chip ice-cream scoop. Oh yes!
A very special and encouraging visitor came yesterday.
I have quality time to meet spiritual needs.
I can now scoot from the bed to the chair and back on my own.
They have a great salad bar in the dining room.

Faith
1:53 am

Published on Categories Lupus, The People Behind My Eyes

About Faith

SUNDRIP – Art for Life is a site that expresses in every media possible an intimate look into the life of a person living with major trauma. The issues addressed in art and writing include Dissociative Identity Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Lupus and CRSD. Despite these issues, I intend to move forward, through and out with honor, grace and creativity.

8 thoughts on “Wonderfully made. It’s complicated.

    1. Faith

      Hi there. Good to hear from you too
      I am totally spoiled. I was given a gift of tea by friends yesterday w a froggy tea strainer. I was thrilled.
      Take care of you.
      Faith

      Reply
          1. Faith

            Google search "frog tea infuser" it'll come up in images.
            I haven't added photos to entries using my tablet. I have to take them w my phone, email them to myself,, download them to the tablet then upload them to the entry. I'm still trying to do everything on the tablet bc I refuse to bring my laptop here.
            After I get a bunch of photos together I'll start adding art and such again. I photographed my plants and tea spot the other day. You know I gotta show that off. Lol
            Faith

No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.

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