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Standing Up

Today in physical therapy I stood up on my left leg. I wasn't happy or excited. I was incomplete.

What I want is to put my off brand Converse tennis shoes on BOTH feet, grab my cup of Earl Gray and walk back into the life I had. That is complete, that is what I want.

I also want it to be untrue that it would take 2 years to walk again.

I'm sorry that I'm not all thrilled that I stood up. I do feel appreciative for what was done for me and what is being done. It's not that at all. I'm grateful, but I'm also saddened by the loss. What time has there been to take in just how devastating the last few months have been? I've been counting my blessings because I narrowly lived, because I beat amazing odds. But I have not really digested much else. Now that the dust is settling I feel the weight of loss. That weight is heavy weather I stand on one leg or lay here punching letters on the screen. The loss is substantial, and it hurts.

Faith

Published on Categories I'm only human, Lupus, The People Behind My Eyes

About Faith

SUNDRIP – Art for Life is a site that expresses in every media possible an intimate look into the life of a person living with major trauma. The issues addressed in art and writing include Dissociative Identity Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Lupus and CRSD. Despite these issues, I intend to move forward, through and out with honor, grace and creativity.

3 thoughts on “Standing Up

  1. debdobalina

    You have every right to feel and recognize and mourn your losses, for they've been many and hard hitting. I have no words of wisdom, just the quiet assurance that I'm with you in this.

    Reply
  2. La Quemada

    Oh, Faith, I have tears in my eyes reading this. You've gone through so much! I wish there were a way to make it easier for you. I wish I had a magic wand I could wave and put those Converse sneakers on your feet and that cup of Early Grey in your hand (btw I am drinking Earl Grey right now - my absolute favorite tea).

    I have been so saddened reading about your illness. The doll you made is in my bedroom, and I took her down the other night to hold her. I told my husband that you were sick, and he's worried about you, too. He knows how I "met" you through blogging and what a talented artist you are. He didn't know, though, about your life, and your positive spirit, and the beautiful things you write about. So now you have another fan as well. We are rooting for you, sending love, and in our own not-very-religious way, praying for your recovery.

    Reply

No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.

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