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On losing more

I'm trying not to let it eat me up. I know it'll be difficult and emotionally painful, but I don't want it to rule me.

It's funny, I picture myself dancing again. I picture myself bending down to pick up moss, walking through grass down to the water line. I can see myself functioning w just part of my leg and foot but I don't know if I'll ever get over the loss. I don't think I'll cry everyday for years or anything, but I can't see me "getting over it". I think the pain of this loss will stay but that the depression associated with it will fade into the background. I've been told only a few times, "don't be depressed, it won't change anything." Of course that's not helpful. So far I've been spared more stories about how people have it worse than me. Again, not helpful. So what do you say to someone who faced amputation? What sort of things are helpful to say? I'd say to listen more than you speak. I'd say that stories about overcoming should not be shared unless asked for but that telling the person they have your full support is better than any overcomer story.

I need time to grieve, to be angry at everyone, including strangers because you have two feet. It pisses me off that I don't and I'm angry at people who do. Go figure, my anger is wide and encompasses strangers going about their healthy business walking on two legs when I'm not! I can't believe it. I can't believe I'm angry with strangers. In the beginning, I suppose all who have lost a part of themselves will deal with anger issues. I just hope to keep it under control.

I don't want to be consumed by depression and I want to keep my anger under control.

I'm out of my depth on this one. There are so many unknowns. Often my sight is limited and I can't see the bigger picture, just a nub. It makes me wonder how I'll ever dance again. I can see myself look for frogs at the creek, search for and pick up moss, but how will I do it in real life? I don't know how I'm going to do it. I hope I surprise myself and can do more than I realize. Like the song says, "I hope you dance", I hope so. I really hope so.

Jordan

Published on Categories Anxiety, Chronic Pain, I'm only human, Lupus, The People Behind My Eyes

About Faith

SUNDRIP – Art for Life is a site that expresses in every media possible an intimate look into the life of a person living with major trauma. The issues addressed in art and writing include Dissociative Identity Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Lupus and CRSD. Despite these issues, I intend to move forward, through and out with honor, grace and creativity.

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