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Try

I'm going to be in the hospital for a few days. Despite being on blood thinners my body has still created a blood clot behind my knee. There's an abnormality in the left lung but I'm not sure what that means, if anything at all.

When the doctor gave me all the information and options, I burst into tears!

I've been told to be strong. I've been told to have faith and courage and not to give up hope. I've been told I can take this... again... That I may not want to do it again but I can take it, I can manage more. I cried some more then thought, I'll try.

I'll try to tap into that girl inside, the fearless one, the head first, won't quit girl. Right now I'm angry and tired. I just want to go home, my home. I don't want to fight for every breath. I don't want this pain anymore and I want my dang on toes back. But what I need and want are different. I need a jackhammer to get to the part of me that can keep going at this pace and level of pain.

In all honesty, I may fall apart but I don't know how to give up.

The part of me that can keep the pace isn't far away. Perhaps she's letting me get out tears so we have more room for fight.

Faith

Update: The plan is not surgery but to up the dose of my shot a little bit and add an asprin. No surgery! I should only be here a few days. Also, I have the same group of doctors from the big surgery two months ago. They're still following me.
I'm relieved. They feel the clot is small enough that surgery is not needed.

5 thoughts on “Try

  1. debdobalina

    You sound exhausted here on every level, and no one could blame you for that. I know you're a strong, determined person but even so it's okay to feel week and helpless at times. There's no shame in that. I hope you will allow yourself to cry when you need to; perhaps in some way that will even help renew your inner strength.

    Reply
    1. Faith

      Update: The plan is not surgery but to up the dose of my shot a little bit and add an asprin. No surgery! I should only be here a few days. Also, I have the same group of doctors from the big surgery two months ago. They're still following me.
      I'm relieved. They feel the clot is small enough that surgery is not needed.

      Reply

No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.

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