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On fear and focus

July 8th I'll be discharged from the nursing home whether I have an apartment or not. Here's a shot of me holding my bears.

I worry about my lack of stamina and how it will prevent me from getting basic needs met. I'm not whole, not ready to be discharged to care for myself. How will I shower? I don't have the stamina for these things.

Today I got very emotional as I tried to explain the fear I feel right now. Today a social worker gave me a cliche about how she'd handle my situation. It was more condescension than I could handle. The tears came and so did a list of what I'm fighting and how her little cliche is worthless and unwelcome. I surprised myself bc I listed off the amputation and how I've lost part of me that I have to be ok without bc I'm never getting it back. Yes, people have lost more and under worse conditions, but the loss is not small. It's devastating and surreal.

Are my eyes tricking me? Will I blink and be whole again? Nothing could have prepared me for this.

Focus. I need to focus. I need to trust that I'm going to have a clean, quiet, affordable place to live where nurses can come and help. I need to trust that I'm in good hands and that I'll get the things I need. I know I'm going to freak out and breakdown from time to time, and that's ok. I'll write as needed, say what I need to say without fear of sounding pitiful. And I'll continue to move forward. I just need to focus and trust.

Man I'm scared. Everything is different.... most things are different and scary.

3 thoughts on “On fear and focus

  1. debdobalina

    I don't like different. Change is scary. I don't blame you one bit for your fears. I'm praying that you will be provided step by step with everyone you need, and more.

    Reply

No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.

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