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Get Going

Tonight was services. I knew I wanted to go but I felt so ... less than. I looked at my hair, stroked it back and thought, this mop looks horrible. I can't go like this. I guess I could put it in a pony tail. I dragged my hands over my skirt and blouse and thought, this will have to do. Then I looked at my feet embarrassed and considered staying home. I have to get shoes to go with skirts but they have to be 1.5 foot friendly. These Converse with a skirt and the whole make up thing looks so stupid, but I really needed to be there with my spiritual family so I went on. I'm happy I did. Mop hair, decent clothing and tennis shoes didn't stop the friends from talking to me and hugging and smiling at me. I shook hands and got to talk to so many people. I'm happy I went.

Part of me doesn't want to go places because I feel like such a burden on people. They have to drag the wheelchair in the car. They feel responsible for me. I fear getting sick and having a problem that makes me stick out like a soar thumb. It feels like such a hassle to go anywhere. I'd rather be here alone managing things as best I can.... except I'm hungry. I'm hungry because cooking requires energy and I'll be dang on if I can stay awake.

I don't even know what I should get at the grocery store. What can I purchase and make that's easy? I'm a snob, a Chef all the way through, so it pains me to think of buying frozen dinners but I'm hungry! It's just for a little while though, right, not forever. And I've got spices. I used tandoori spices on frozen chicken tenders and that turned out very well. Tomorrow I'm to go to the store. I need to think of some things I can get that I can eat that won't take a lot of energy to make also but soothes my snobbish soul. Argh!

Though I have expensive taste in food to go along with homemade wine (not made yet but coming soon), I have no desire to clean up. One might be surprised all the energy it takes to prepare, eat, clean up then move on. I'm sorry but that's a lot of energy and the very reason I've been living off Honey Nut Cheerios. Oh yeah, gotta get almond milk tomorrow, and since I'm on potassium, I'd better get ice cream. I think I can live with that.

Did you know there's an ice cream sandwich hierarchy? Yeah, there is. Turns out Kroger brand is at the bottom of the barrel of ice cream sandwiches, with Bunny higher up. The chocolate cookie tastes better. And OMG Häagen-Dazs has a beautiful ice cream bar that is top of the line beautiful. That's making the list too since I am supposed to eat ice cream and all. Gotta love it. While in the hospital, every time they gave me a gigantic potassium pill, I got to eat a little cup of ice cream. I figure I should continue that medical direction outside the hospital. Medicinal ice cream. I'm cooperating fulling with the doctors.

I'm still painting. I need to get my hands in something creative before I lose my mind. This week end the rest of my art supplies will be moved in. I'm ordering a desk for my new art studio. No more 8 foot buffet table. Everything is being downsized except my desire to create.

Jordan

Published on Categories Anxiety, Lupus, The People Behind My EyesTags

About Faith

SUNDRIP – Art for Life is a site that expresses in every media possible an intimate look into the life of a person living with major trauma. The issues addressed in art and writing include Dissociative Identity Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Lupus and CRSD. Despite these issues, I intend to move forward, through and out with honor, grace and creativity.

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