In my therapy session today we talked about the dream I had just before he called. In the dream I was 47 but in the 2nd grade. I sat as an adult in South Korea with second grade children in class. The teacher taught evolution but one student spoke up to the teacher and class about why Jehovah's Witnesses believe in Creation. I offered a few supporting comments but it was hard to concentrate because the stereotypical shoes they gave me to wear were a podiatry nightmare. You could tell the American students from others because we were hopping like bunnies in the shoes. (hey don't judge lol lol it was just a dream. lol)
In a different dream I was sleeping next to my mother in bed as an adult. The bed was out in the open, in the middle of a town fair. There was a band, baton girls, food stalls and of course football because this is after all the Midwest. So we were sleeping on her stripped bed, nothing but a mattress. It was the same mattress from my childhood that she abused my family on. So she and I slept. My back was to her when she put her arm around me in a very loving, motherly way. I wanted it to be safe and allowed it. Finally I relaxed enough to feel a mother-daughter connection with her. It felt good. Then she realized she was cold because I hogged all the covers.
In a third dream, same night, she was telling me about going to France with her boyfriend. My mother didn't have boyfriends when I was growing up save one major idiot. So I was excited for her to have a friend with whom she could resume travels...and leave me alone. That's what happened when she had that one boyfriend in real life, she didn't abuse me or my sister nearly as much. It was a good year while she dated that thing. In the dream my sister also had a boyfriend.
Dr. D and I discussed why I was involved with children and out of my natural environment while my mother and sister were doing adult activities. I had no insight. We then talked about how hard it was to have a boyfriend growing up because she'd make fun of me, but if I brought a girlfriend home it was more acceptable.
Dr. D and I talked about how my grandparents hated my x-husband. I had the nerve to bring vanilla into an African family. They were NOT feeling it.
After laughing about how I also coveted the covers with x-partners, Dr. D asked why I married such a jerk. I said, I didn't realize how bad he was but also, I needed to marry. I was told no one would love me, no one could love me, that I'd die alone and unmarried. I wanted someone to love me and to prove my mother wrong. I needed to say, "Check out the ring mom, I won't die unloved and alone. I can be loved after all." I needed to prove her wrong so I said, "I do."