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Desperation and Depression

I feel a quiet desperation inside.

I've had nightmare for the past few nights and have had a hard time waking up during the day. I'm exhausted.

I don't feel worthy of much. I sometimes hate myself enough to want to slice my arms to shreds. I have not and will not, but I recognize the symptom for what it is.

Sometimes I think the only reasonable thing to do is give up. Giving up doesn't mean dying.

I'm still creatively constipated! I've got a beautiful new art table that I have yet to use. I'm still working in my art journal. What's wrong with me that I can't paint? I'm depressed, maybe even lonely.

Will I ever get frogs? It's taking so long. Transporting a terrarium is a problem. It feels like the last thing to replace that was lost are the frogs.

The sale of art is slow yet steady. I've got to update the shop very soon.

I hear the complaining, nagging voice of my friend Betty and realize just how destructive she is! I never know when she's going to pull out the cruelty. She's destructive. She says I can't hang up my art bc I'll be charged for putting holes in the walls. She has told me what I can and can't do in my home. It sinks in deep and I have a hard time ignoring her. I will hang art, period! She said I don't have room for plants. Shut up! I now have 10 nice size plants thank you very much. I will have more if I want them. The entire time I was in the hospital Betty was wonderful, now she's back to being herself.

My foot is nearly healed. I've combined cocoa butter, lavender oil and honey. So far, so good.

My CNA's don't show up. Well, Friday a CNA showed up but she was in a long, tight  orange dress that accented nipple. When I answered the door I said with attitude, "who are you?" She said, "your CNA." I said, "Not dressed like that, you're not." She said, "I have my uniform in my hand. I know I'm dressed like a stripper but I had an appointment this morning." I thought to myself, "What job were you applying for dressed like a stripper?" Although there were no pole dances, this CNA worked hard and was one of the best I've had. She had the nerve to say I'm blunt and don't sugar coat anything. I guess she didn't realize she truly looked like a tramp at my door! I'm so not in to that kind of thing.

Jordan

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