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Anxiety about CNA that reminds me of my abuser

Oh boy  It's pretty bad. Man. All I want to do is roll over and cry. I don't know what to do to make it stop.

One reason for anxiety is the length of time the CNA will be here. She'll be here 5 days a week. At first it was 9-5 but now it's 10-3 each day.

I'm having trouble w the newest CNA being a middle aged black woman. This is a brand new company for me and I hate to tell them that I have to switch CNA's bc she reminds me too much of my abuser but that will have to be done bc the one they sent me can't put her hands on me at all. She walked in the door and my brain twisted.

The CNA is quiet and mild mannered. She has a very soft voice. She's from Zambia.

We talked about her heritage and mine which was cool.

I wish I wasn't so broken that skin color matters. It matters if a black woman comes here bc I still see all of them as my abusive mother.

My mother and I are very soft spoken. My words are heavy but my voice is not loud at all. Never has been. Mom didn't scream a lot, didn't curse, was well put together. The CNA is not well put together. Even if she was, she's not my mother, but try telling my head that when she helps me in the shower..... Nah, she can't work here!

I don't get the final say in this stuff but I hope beyond everything that Robert pulls the plug on this one. For our sanity, don't let her come back!

Jordan

 

Published on Categories The People Behind My Eyes

About Faith

SUNDRIP – Art for Life is a site that expresses in every media possible an intimate look into the life of a person living with major trauma. The issues addressed in art and writing include Dissociative Identity Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Lupus and CRSD. Despite these issues, I intend to move forward, through and out with honor, grace and creativity.

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