I've thought a lot of my mother lately. In therapy Friday afternoon we talked about traveling, the orchestra, theater, opera and all the cultural things she loved. It's a strange contrast between the tyrant and the artist but there was in fact a contrast, one I loved. I recall my mother singing around the house. I knew when she sang it would be a safe day. For some reason when she sang all the vile went away.
One of my mother's favorite animals is the African Elephant which is why I purchased a notebook with one on the cover. I also liked the quote which says: Colors speak louder than words.
The loss is incredible.
Grant mercy please.
She left deep wounds, many questions, but no answers. I have to find resolution in wreckage.
In the notebook I've written letters to my mother, some kind, others telling her exactly how I felt living with her. These letters and drawings are just another step in healing from the war god I called mother. ...continue reading "Mother’s and Grey Elephants"
Let her keep looking toward the light that shines before her. She will be imparted power by virtue of Him.
Art Title: "By Virtue of Him"
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Size: 6.5 x 4.5
Media: Acrylic on cardstock
The small painting shows a young woman with her back to the dark and her body affected by it. She is still dressed in white, still looking upward for direction and hope. A light of white shines on her. Her hands come right through the color and darkness, leaving them open to hope.
In the partial finger painting you'll see layers of color and rich texture. Cranberry, midnight blue, vivid green, royal purple, gold and black make up the painting called "By Virtue of Him." The art is based on the Scripture at Philippians 4:13. It is my first overtly religious titled and purposed art on Sundrip.
Awhile ago I mentioned that there will be more art pieces along the lines of The Resilience Tree, which is currently in the Features Art Gallery. I mentioned there will be more mind scape pieces such as Snap Shot. Well, we can also look forward to Christian and spiritual based art in the near future. It's safe to say Sundrip has art for just about everyone. 🙂
Thanks for visiting me today,
I've tried to write this entry since Monday but I've run from it. I don't really want to write it because it hurts.
Therapy was hard, as usual. We went over the dream where the man was stabbed in the hallway. As I told Dr. D the part about hearing the man stabbed to death while hiding in the closet, Dr. D blurted out, "You know that's your brother, right?" I said, "Yes, and my sister." Here I am age 46 and I can still hear them both scream. I can still feel the fear as if I were backed in a corner watching, again. I told Dr. D that hearing my siblings abused or seeing it happen often felt worse than being abused myself. I remember it so clearly and I am certain it's what divides us to this day. ...continue reading "Therapy Review – Slaughtering Peace of Mind"
The symptoms are quite intense. Nightmares, anxiety and deep despair are a lessor evil than pain so I went against medical advice and didn't reduce the amount of Lyrica I'm taking.
My first thought is to type, "I know its risky, but you don't understand," however many do. Many get that its difficult to make a good decision when all the choices can harm you. If I don't take a mix of medication with severe side effects, then I run the risk of losing my mind due to pain. If I take the mix of medication with severe side effects I run the risk of hurting myself if the side effects don't taper off. That is if the problem is Lyrica. I'll get to that later.
This is a catch 22 with the medication and I made a temporary decision to continue this treatment course with daily, in person, observation by three close friends who are not medical professionals. One friend a day will be here for the next two weeks. I have therapy 2x a week for the next two weeks. I've also got regular activities and volunteer work to perform so I'm covered as far as being observed and supported.
While being supported, I may be tearful, anxious or suicidal. I know that word suicide is a scary one but let me state clearly that living at this level of physical pain is slow murder. So I'm going to take a calculated risk beside a strong support team. ...continue reading "Lyrica – Against Medical Advice"
Entry Content: In some areas the dream was funny, strange and then ended violently. There is some sexual conversation, no abuse of children. Violent stabbing deaths. Mention of self injury.
Dream: I was standing in line in a food court with two restaurants serving my favorite food on both sides, but I was in a different line for a free hamburger. I stood in a very long line for what felt like forever. Finally I was at the front and ready for my order when a family of four walked right up to the front and began placing an order. I explained I'd been there and politely went on ordering but they kept talking to me. The family was so nice and talkative that I didn't realize while they talked to me, more family members arrived and ordered their meal for 15 people right under my nose. For my inconvenience, and much to my delight, the company gave me a free 13 inch sweet potato pie with my hamburger. ...continue reading "Dream Therapy: Murder and Powerlessness 1"
Feelings upon waking:
Fearful. Fearful! I was trembling as my mind went over the crazy parts of this dramatic dream. After I woke I kept saying, 'I'm sorry' over and over again as if somehow dreaming something so violent was my fault. In addition to that guilt, there was guilt for not helping the man in the hallway who was viciously and savagely killed. I listened to him scream and die while cowering behind the closet door. I was anxious and regrettably chewed up my fingers. This is self harm.
This dream is one day old but it's still a heavy one for me, especially since it resulted in an attack on myself. Why self-injury? To change the fear emotion that overtook me and to counter, over shadow flashbacks caused by the dream. I was shaking in bed, apologizing out loud for being weak. I wasn't thinking about the consequences of my actions. I was caught in emotion. I was not thinking straight. Another apology is needed, this time to myself. ...continue reading "Dream Therapy: Murder and Powerlessness 2"
I changed my tea painting and added a short
quote. I couldn't help myself. I like it better this way. I think it would look great in an all white frame but there wasn't one on the framing program used.
"Where there's tea there's hope" is a small painting of 4 inches by 6 inches. It's created in watercolor and ink and is on 98lb paper. The details on the flower and cup are easier to see in person.
I've also been playing with acrylic and rubbing alcohol. I cleaned my brushes of acrylic paint on a 4 x 7 piece of cardstock then went back and treated the paper with the 91 percent alcohol. I sprayed some it as well as dropped some. I swirled the paper and let it drip until I saw a pattern I liked.
I can save this textured abstract piece for later as pull art or for a collage. I could add a small cut out from my huge stash. Who knows what the cut out would be. I've got everything from figures to flowers to trees and animals, all from art that didn't work out but that had parts worth saving. I use my x-acto knife and save what can be saved for projects just like this. The other thing is, I can leave it just the way it is and frame it as a temporary piece of art just to look at for a little while. I tend to do that. I switch up art on a wall in the living room making the wall an ever changing, energized display of color and texture.
Here are a few pieces in currently hanging in my living room on the art wall.
She had a wide range of peculiarities but one constant; her mouth was always wide open.
The woman with the split earlobe laughed loudly, sang loudly, slapped you on the back while laughing and did everything over the top. It wasn't mental illness, it was plain madness. ...continue reading "Wide"