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About Faith

SUNDRIP – Art for Life is a site that expresses in every media possible an intimate look into the life of a person living with major trauma. The issues addressed in art and writing include Dissociative Identity Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Lupus and CRSD. Despite these issues, I intend to move forward, through and out with honor, grace and creativity.

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We talked about school. I told him that I brought it up last Friday but that he just said, oh, okay, and went on. I told him that he didn't ask a single question about it. I said, if I told you I was taking these classes at the local university you would have had questions. You would have asked when the classes start, what my class load is, where I'm taking the classes, what accreditation I'll receive and what my goal is. I said, you didn't ask me a single question. He said, why do you think that is? I said, because of the subject. I don't think you see it as valid.  ...continue reading "The Right Soil"

Dr. D started off the session with, did you know there's going to be an eclipse today? He said, I wanted to let you know because its going to get dark. I didn't want it to catch you by surprise. It would have but I would have figured it out I think, maybe.
Michelle 2:13 pm

We talked about how my sister lived with my friend and her husband only three miles from me. She lived there for a year. A year! We went to the same grocery store but never ran into one another. How is it possible to be that close to me but not see me? Dr. D asked what about this knowledge is so upsetting. It's the magic, ya know, the wand that tosses out fairy dust that makes her see me in a different light. If she could just see me from time to time maybe she wouldn't hate me so much. Its the fantasy of her changing because I need her to.

What a vicious thing to tear family apart by abuse and lies. That is a crime that keeps offending.

We talked about how to move past how I think about my sister, how I think about my needs from her. It all starts with my thinking. If I change my thinking I can change my actions. Maybe I'll stop longing for her so grievously.

First and foremost, I have nothing to prove.
I'm not disgusting or dirty. I've not committed a crime to say the opposite. I don't have to convenience myself of anything. It is well established that I'm lovable. That was one of the biggest and most destructive lies they told. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Prove Yourself"

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I'm still on the hunt for a psychiatrist for better med management. I'm using a few different resources to manage the depression and anxiety now, one resource being art.

I doodle because it makes me happy. I doodle because I'm anxious. I doodle because I'm bored. I'm a doodle bug.

These were done while in bed. Some are in my art journal while others are in altered art books.

It's been difficult to move around so I've stayed close to my the bed. The watercolor pens pen is so helpful. I can move beyond colored pencils and crayons. I still use those but I like having watercolors, too. ...continue reading "Doodle. Art and Anxiety. Creative Endeavors."

Content: Self image. Sexual abuse w/ frank speech at times. Discussion of the mother forcing a gender role for the purpose of abuse, hatred of men, degrading women, the mother's sexuality. It's a heavy entry, one difficult to write.

Page 2 of Miss Eyes I Want to Be UsefulWe  started off going over art pieces in my sketchbook. We talked about which color I've used most and changes in how I depict figures. One art piece not posted was drawn to signify how pervasive sexual abuse was in most aspects of my young life.

Dr. D asked why I add heavy markings below the eyes. I said its all about color significance and my own symbolism. (see art therapy gallery) When I put blue under the eyes I'm trying to say that no matter what I'm going through or how negative I feel about myself, I understand on a different level that these thoughts are based on lies.  I'm able to better see that my self image isn't based on reality but abuses as a youth and young adult. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Identity. Gender. The Mother’s Sexuality"

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Sam's Red Balloon I recently purchased a pallet box to hold more watercolors. In one area I selected

colors based on what I use most but on the other side I put colors I need more work with. For the most part, I enjoy watercolors but at times I swear it off saying I'll never, ever try this media again.

There was a mishap that took place that required damage control. You know those water paint pens? Well, see, no one told me I was supposed to put only water in there. I thought I was to fill the barrel with ink or paint so that's what I did. Later on I saw in blog entries that they were not used that way. I tried to clean them up as well as possible but it didn't turn out so great. I was able to clean and save one barrel but all the brush tops. ...continue reading "Sam’s Red Balloon and the Great Pen Incident"

Spark
Double Therapy Page

Spark: Fire and Water now has a wall of its own. Soon it will be safely packaged up and sent on its journey.

Spark: Fire and Water is an art journal, two page spread that was offered in my Etsy shop.

Sparks of color fly as her eyes open wide to take in and hold all that grows around her. A signature of Sundrip is to have many hidden faces and objects that are seemingly random. This journal piece most certainly has the Sundrip signature along with bold chaos in color.

What will you see in this raw, collage art? You will see fragmented flowers, hair like waves of the sea, a blue girl. You'll see lines cross, curve and circle around holding tiny human figures. Crosshatch and stripes meet checkers and poles, then bring your eye back to the girl in the middle with doodles on her lips.

Two page collage and drawings in my art journal.

Faith

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available as prints see sidebarWhen I'm anxious I make small terrariums in glass jars. I make dry flower arrangements from flowers I've purchased or flowers donated by friends. I often get a years worth of lavender from a friend when she cuts hers back. I love that stuff. Thank goodness I don't have allergies.

I have all kinds of terrariums and terrarium supplies, stuff I wanted to add to my Etsy shop. I haven't added them because I have no idea how to ship them so I've started offering them locally. So far so good. I love getting my hands in that soil, placing driftwood, hand picked stones and tiny little plants into little landscapes.

I've struggled with depression recently, depression that feels too heavy to manage alone. Today I made a bit of extra effort to get out of bed and get into something productive which meant working with the fish and terrariums.

I've turned a 6 drawer wooden dresser into a feature garden with some of the drawers holding garden supplies like gloves, planters and terrarium supplies. ...continue reading "Getting My Hands Dirty"

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The Last Laugh II: Jester - availableI was thrilled to see that two of my art pieces got a new home today, one of which is from a Jester series called "The Last Laugh".

The series illustrates the role I was cast to play while growing up. A Jester or clown puts on a false face, parades around and makes a "fool" of himself to get a laugh. He distracts people from the real world around them and for just a tiny bit they forget. I hate clowns for that very reason and yet I feel compelled to paint them.

Every line spoken were words not my own. They haunted me and concealed my real voice and my real face from the real world. The story of my life today is a simple one. I only play the role that is me.

...continue reading "“The Last Laugh” Paintings"

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He asked about my depression. I was honest. I agreed that I need to find a psychiatrist because the depression isn't something that's getting better. I have days where I don't feel so heavy but this depression isn't getting any better. Where do I find the energy or drive to search for a psychiatrist.

He asked about my eating. I was honest. I'm eating mostly crackers, peanut butter sandwiches and Cheerios. I stay close to bed. He knows it's not like me to neglect hygiene. Even as I type that I'm thinking about going back to sleep.

My leg is back to normal. I see the new doctor the 22nd. Thinking about these appointments I have this month make me want to go back to sleep. It feels so big. I don't want to get to know a new doctor. I don't want to look at this woman and see a look on her face that says she doesn't want to treat me. I don't want the rejection. What if I get there and she says its better for me if I go somewhere else because I need more care than she can give?

The last few years I've had such a hard time with my birthday. It feels like something is slipping away with each birthday. Something? I don't know what, but it hurts. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Crackers and Carrots"

10 pm
My right leg is still swollen but it doesn't hurt nearly as much as it did yesterday. I'm still wearing compression socks.

I fell asleep shortly after writing my last entry. I've been sleeping for a very, very long time, all day and night. I got up to use the restroom. I got up to feed the cat and take medication, other than that I've been sleeping. I couldn't keep my eyes open.

11:48 pm
I went for an orange and got distracted. I cleaned the kitchen and vacuumed the floors. I had an orange, water and some tea.

Yesterday evening was scary because I wasn't sure I'd wake up today. I jotted a quick note to my friend Snow and closed my eyes. The leg was really bad yesterday.

One of the best things for edema is activity. I need to increase blood flow. I also need to be conscious of what I eat. I don't take a lot of sodium but at this time it's best to be even more careful with it. My stretches will be important. My vascular issues are Lupus related which means the root of the problem is in my blood and immune system. If I am to have any impact on this I'll have to do it from the inside out. I have to get that turmeric, ginger and black pepper back in me on a regular basis. I have to get cinnamon and garlic back in me as well as organic honey. These are vital. Funny how I can now see how vital it is after having stopped regular intake for nearly two months. ...continue reading "Lupus and edema. Dignity in life. Finding light."

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