I asked you to do the surgery. You said you could or a colleague but I trusted my life in your hands. It felt like there was so much at stake, more to lose than body parts. I can't explain how afraid I was that I'd throw a blood clot or bleed to death. I was so scared I kept calling to my mother!
I had a dream about her last night. She was a helpless infant in my arms. I rolled around in my wheelchair with her head on my shoulder. I made sure she was safe and warm. Safe. ...continue reading "Not Cut and Dry"
The Lesson is an art story about the doctor telling me about my blood system. He explained that something about my DNA steers my blood wrong. Instead of living the normal 120-90 days, my blood lives 60-30 days then begins to break down.
When the doctor told me this I thought to myself, I have bad blood, that's what makes me a bad person. This is why my mother can't love me, I'm bad from the inside out. Yup, my head took me there. So how do I rewrite a very old message of being bad and bring my thoughts more in line with the times? I paint and talk to myself.
After some healthy ground techniques I pulled out my watercolors and began to paint symbols from the doctor's visit. I painted a symbolic DNA strand and several levels of blood development.
I really enjoy painting like this. I take something medical and paint how it affected me emotionally. I'm going to keep doing this. Painting is healing for me and it allows me to process realities easier.
I apologize for the quality of the photo. All of this is still being painted, photographed and blogged from bed.
"The Lesson" by
Faith Magdalene Austin
Watercolor and ink
8.5 x 5.5
"The Unseen" is a painting by my 12 year old alter named Michelle who has been out quite a bit lately. She's doing therapy with Dr. D right now so there will surely be more art from her displayed on the blog.
The art piece was started by layering paint then smearing ink until she found an image she wanted to pull.
She prefers the 'dirty art' look and doesn't pay attention to if it's considered pretty. She layers faces and shadows, piling them one on the other in burnt orange, turquoise, black and a bit of white. There is also a large bird and an abstract tree that roots from the head of the main face.
Title: The Unseen (original art) Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin Media: Acrylic, ink on paper Size: 7 x 10 Finish: Signed, heat sealed, unmounted Style: Abstract Surreal
I was recently asked why I don't do larger art. I still do most creating, including this piece and small sewing projects, while in bed. My mattress is covered well so as not to look like a painters pallet. I've also got a nice little sewing box. Because so much time is spent in bed, I won't be able to complete large art projects. It's one of the things I had to accept awhile back. I do what I am capable of doing which means a lot is done in a way that accommodates Lupus and CRSD symptoms.
Even though my dog Clyde is on the bed with me as I paint, to date he has not been splattered with paint. He remains brown and white. 🙂
The original painting called, "The Unseen" is available through Etsy or PayPal.
I'm hesitant to publish work like this because of the dark lines and how packed it is, full of images, but it represents my head in an accurate way. It shows the full, always thinking, always moving, nearly manic thought processes inside my head. Why would I hesitate to post that type of truth in art but feel free to do so in words? I don't fear any kind of judgement with words I use. I don't expect anyone to tell me to lighten up or make my words pretty, but I can't seem to forget those who have told me to do that with my art.
Posting it is a way of shutting up the negativity in my head. I like this piece. I like the activity in it. I like the color against the black. I like the twists in it. I like the orange and I like the hidden people at the top, on the left side and at the bottom. I'm posting it and my head can just shut up about it! ...continue reading "See Volumes. Art Confidence."
According to my sketchbook, I've had unrelenting anxiety for a little over a month. It's really getting to me. These two art pieces were worked on to help ease things.
The piece cluster shows a checkered flag, a flag used to signify winning the race. I don't feel like I'm winning this battle at all.
Visitation is currently in black and white. It's a mindscape piece such as those in the series called Forty Years in the Wilderness. A mindscape is a snapshot of the inside of my head. Sometimes the images are livable, manageable, other times ... not so much.
Tomorrow at 1:30 I go in to see Dr. D. I nearly canceled it because I'm having a hard time sitting. My sciatic nerve is acting up. I've done a lot of stretching to get it to ease up. I've taken the new medications, especially the muscle relaxer, but its not budging. I think we're going on three weeks now with this nerve constantly throbbing. It adds to the anxiety. It's like a dull ache, the kind that drives you crazy. It may not be the most painful thing in the world but it, like my anxiety, is unrelenting and that's what makes it so hard to deal with, it just doesn't stop.
I'm going to take Clyde out one more time then go to sleep. I'm so happy he's here. I love that he wants to be close by me. I need that. His ears are so soft. He's adorable.
Original surreal art showing an array of faces, colors, lines and expressive movement.
Art Title: Cacophony: Head Noise
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Size: 8.5 x 5.5
Media: Mixed, acrylic, marker on 98 lb sketchbook paper
Finish: signed, dated, heat sealed, unmounted, raw
Style: Surreal, Illustration
Content: Discussion of child torture and sexual abuse, the affects of emotional abuse, feeling hated during violent abuse, dental appointment
I just thought, I was taught to hate me. I was taught that I don't deserve mercy, so when I think of myself as a child, I feel the contempt that burned beside the torture.
I remember the little girl in the same light my mother put her in. That could be the difference between feeling compassion towards other survivors but struggling to give it to myself. I don't see other survivors as bad but I remember my young self with the mask they put on her. That mask was created by them. It was created with words like; liar, disgusting, dog, disobedient, disloyal, unlovable, laughingstock, disruptive, manipulative, bad things happen because of me. Then there's the one that gets me. She said, You'll do anything with your mouth. She'd say it with a mocking giggle. ...continue reading "Taking off her mask. Who will she be?"