Dr D and I talked at our regular time. I said I'm hungry but nothing sounds good. I said for several days I've not been myself. I yelled and cursed, complained and refused their assistance. I wanted to be left alone to sleep. The pain was out of control and I couldn't stand it. A few days have passed since the surgery and it's better but still bad, just not screaming, cussing bad.
Of course I'm afraid of the pain. I'm afraid to put my foot on the floor bc it hurts but I'm more afraid of losing progress. I read over entries and think about how strong I felt bc I could get in the wheelchair on my own or bc I was able to get dressed on my own. I don't want this surgery to make all that for nothing.
Healing from this one could take up to 12 weeks. Somewhere in this 12 weeks will my confidence be lost? Can I, one last time, overcome the fear and pain just to know what it feels like to dress myself again? Of course I can, but I want this to be the last time I relearn the basics. I want this to be the last time grueling pain rules the day and night. May I have that, please?
Dr D asked if I've been dissociating or switching. One little one pops out from time to time but usually I'm alone when she does. Ariel is quite young has zero desire to speak to anyone. She pops out because she catches a glimpse of our new teddy bear or tea or something pink. She's sad and upset about how much pain we're in but I don't know if she totally gets why we're in pain. I hope not bc she's just a kid and all this is adult size trauma.
It's coming on 7pm which means it's time to read and relax. Time for another cup of tea. There's always time for another cup of tea.
The Lesson is an art story about the doctor telling me about my blood system. He explained that something about my DNA steers my blood wrong. Instead of living the normal 120-90 days, my blood lives 60-30 days then begins to break down.
When the doctor told me this I thought to myself, I have bad blood, that's what makes me a bad person. This is why my mother can't love me, I'm bad from the inside out. Yup, my head took me there. So how do I rewrite a very old message of being bad and bring my thoughts more in line with the times? I paint and talk to myself.
After some healthy ground techniques I pulled out my watercolors and began to paint symbols from the doctor's visit. I painted a symbolic DNA strand and several levels of blood development.
I really enjoy painting like this. I take something medical and paint how it affected me emotionally. I'm going to keep doing this. Painting is healing for me and it allows me to process realities easier.
I apologize for the quality of the photo. All of this is still being painted, photographed and blogged from bed.
"The Lesson" by
Faith Magdalene Austin
Watercolor and ink
8.5 x 5.5
I will photograph myself walking and post the photo bc it's unbelievable when I say that I walked. I did though. I stood up with the walker and took 24 steps. The physical therapist asked how I felt and I said I had no words. I was emotional and speechless.
I wanted several of the PT's to see me walk. I waited for a few to come in the room and even had one called so she could come to the area. Ha! I felt like a kid on a bike who had to show off that she can balance and move forward. It was like I'd taken a passage from helpless kid who falls behind, to an independent teenager looking to feel her roots. Imagine the emotion and confidence I'll have to walk after surgery and when I get prosthetics and shoes. The first time I walk with them l'm sure I'll be speechless.
In line with medical goals I continue to take the wheelchair outside for activities such as looking at rocks and finding the perfect spot for a cup of tea.
I found a rock shaped like a heart. I painted a face on one and lettered HOPE on another.
It's been weeks since I required assistance getting in bed. It was a vulnerable, helpless feeling not being able to move. But now I can use the wheelchair so I have a measure of independence. Even if I'm in bed for the night, I want the wheelchair within my reach. My anxiety level goes really high if it's not bc I go right back to feeling helpless. I feel like a lump in the bed who can't do anything. ...continue reading "The Mighty Chair"
I've withdrawn from friends as I battle depression and discouragement. I'm easily irritated and annoyed. I'm anxious and generally uncomfortable and unhappy. However, I'm working hard to manage these feelings so I can stay on the road to recovery.
There isn't just one thing I can point to and say, This is the problem. It's the situation, the foot, lack of independence and feeling like I don't have control of my life. This is so big. I swear I just want to run from it all.
My last surgery needed is May 7th at 11am. Despite it being an amputation surgery, I won't be fully put under. They're going to use a nerve block and meds to relax me. Because things change so much, I'd rather just post the date and surgery, let it happen then talk about it more. Soooo, surgery May 7th w details to come. ...continue reading "Battling Fear"
A man kept a house with several women tied up with chains. Some he broke so that they didn't try to run. He kept a lion that he fed live humans. It was the largest beast I'd ever seen.
I and another woman were caught as prey. We were in a container waiting to be eaten but I saw a way out and took it. As I escaped the grounds, the Master of the house attempted to stop me. He was furious that I tried to get away. How dare I get so far away from his traps, from his control. He was angry, offended and really wanted to the mastery over me, to throw me to the lion. I was getting away until the Mistress of the house emerged and demanded I return inside. She told me I had to go inside, I had to listen to her. The Master couldn't believe his fortune, that I'd escape the property only to willingly return at the voice of a dominate woman. He was so excited he could hardly contain himself. I woke before reentering the house.
Dr D and I discussed the dream in session today. We talked about how it feels like the Mistress is more my situation than a specific person. The Lion is the beast I face. I'm not always strong so I'm the broken woman who won't run, the new captive not yet broken and the spirit that'll find a way out. But when it's all said and done, I still have to face the Lion in yet another surgery. I'm torn and will be torn more. Parts of me are gone that I can't get back no matter who I out smart or out run. ...continue reading "DREAM : The Mouth of Lions"
Hi, I am Faith's friend Julie. She asked me to let post that SUNDRIP: Art for Life has had a crisis and will be on hold for now. She is still in 11 days ICU with multiple blood clots and declining liver functioning. She will transition out of ICU 1Saccording to progress. The plan is for her to eventually go to a long-term hospital rehab facility to get the care needed. She may be emotionally ready to blog before moving to long term hospital care.
Most possessions are being thrown a way or stored as she will be unable to care for herself or Clyde. Art is being stored.
Clyde will be adopted by a friend and will be enrolled in a program that lets him visit several times a week.
Because of the high number of blood clots and the one that broke off in the lung, she is unable to care for daily life or run the Etsy shop. The shop will be temporarily closing until further notice. All sales currently in progress are valid. Eventually, blogging will be picked back up via tablet.
All contact information is still valid. SundripJournals@gmail.com
Thank you for your patience and understanding. More information will be provided in the near future.
"The Unseen" is a painting by my 12 year old alter named Michelle who has been out quite a bit lately. She's doing therapy with Dr. D right now so there will surely be more art from her displayed on the blog.
The art piece was started by layering paint then smearing ink until she found an image she wanted to pull.
She prefers the 'dirty art' look and doesn't pay attention to if it's considered pretty. She layers faces and shadows, piling them one on the other in burnt orange, turquoise, black and a bit of white. There is also a large bird and an abstract tree that roots from the head of the main face.
Title: The Unseen (original art) Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin Media: Acrylic, ink on paper Size: 7 x 10 Finish: Signed, heat sealed, unmounted Style: Abstract Surreal
I was recently asked why I don't do larger art. I still do most creating, including this piece and small sewing projects, while in bed. My mattress is covered well so as not to look like a painters pallet. I've also got a nice little sewing box. Because so much time is spent in bed, I won't be able to complete large art projects. It's one of the things I had to accept awhile back. I do what I am capable of doing which means a lot is done in a way that accommodates Lupus and CRSD symptoms.
Even though my dog Clyde is on the bed with me as I paint, to date he has not been splattered with paint. He remains brown and white. 🙂
The original painting called, "The Unseen" is available through Etsy or PayPal.