I understand that my biological response to many things is still as if my body is fighting like when I was abused or when I was having medical trauma from a young age. My adrenal system fights so hard, as if it has to, still. All that adrenaline causes anxiety because I'm still trying to run despite there being no where to run. I feel trapped in my anxiety.
I sometimes respond strong emotionally when I don't mean to.
Right now I'm feeling very stressed by things: stressed about the CNA situation and about not having frogs. I know it sounds so insane that I'd be stressed without frogs but I'm stressed without something to care for, fuss over and love. There's nothing here to love! ...continue reading "Anxiety and Fight or Flight"
It's been one of those days where all I've done is sleep and paint. I got in a good meal, sat down at the table with candle light and everything, yet my heart is desperate and forlorn.
I want to cut. I wont but the desire is there to shred my arms up.
When I don't paint I don't cope. Painting is a huge coping skill for me. Now that I've started painting again I've started feeling more. I felt a lot before but was sort of holding up a wall to shield myself from it. ...continue reading "I’m Not Crazy Yet"
I'm hesitant to publish work like this because of the dark lines and how packed it is, full of images, but it represents my head in an accurate way. It shows the full, always thinking, always moving, nearly manic thought processes inside my head. Why would I hesitate to post that type of truth in art but feel free to do so in words? I don't fear any kind of judgement with words I use. I don't expect anyone to tell me to lighten up or make my words pretty, but I can't seem to forget those who have told me to do that with my art.
Posting it is a way of shutting up the negativity in my head. I like this piece. I like the activity in it. I like the color against the black. I like the twists in it. I like the orange and I like the hidden people at the top, on the left side and at the bottom. I'm posting it and my head can just shut up about it! ...continue reading "See Volumes. Art Confidence."
I changed my tea painting and added a short
quote. I couldn't help myself. I like it better this way. I think it would look great in an all white frame but there wasn't one on the framing program used.
"Where there's tea there's hope" is a small painting of 4 inches by 6 inches. It's created in watercolor and ink and is on 98lb paper. The details on the flower and cup are easier to see in person.
I've also been playing with acrylic and rubbing alcohol. I cleaned my brushes of acrylic paint on a 4 x 7 piece of cardstock then went back and treated the paper with the 91 percent alcohol. I sprayed some it as well as dropped some. I swirled the paper and let it drip until I saw a pattern I liked.
I can save this textured abstract piece for later as pull art or for a collage. I could add a small cut out from my huge stash. Who knows what the cut out would be. I've got everything from figures to flowers to trees and animals, all from art that didn't work out but that had parts worth saving. I use my x-acto knife and save what can be saved for projects just like this. The other thing is, I can leave it just the way it is and frame it as a temporary piece of art just to look at for a little while. I tend to do that. I switch up art on a wall in the living room making the wall an ever changing, energized display of color and texture.
Here are a few pieces in currently hanging in my living room on the art wall.
It was to be a little girl in a red dress but it didn't quite turn out that way.
I realized early on that I am attached emotionally to this painting and that I wish to keep it for myself. Knowing I'm color sensitive, I changed the bright colors to those I can hang on my wall and see regularly. I had to tone it down.
As I toned down bright colors, I decided to allow the turquoise hair to be wild, almost crazy. I put a layer of brown over the skin but other colors still come through. As I scratched along adding turquoise and dark orange instead of bright yellow and bright red, I caught of glimpse of this wild girl holding a violin. And that's the moment the painting changed from emotion I could handle to a complete stand still. ...continue reading "The Unexpected Violin"
What can a broke girl like me do for my neighbors in need?
I can donate to food pantries. Food pantries are going to divert their stock to areas in need, which may at times cause hardship for locals in need. I can look in my pantry for anything I can spare and donate it. I'll come back to this in a second.
I can offer cash in the form of $1 or less. If a dollar is all I can spare at the time then a dollar is what I will donate. A dollar here and there adds up and can go far if managed by a reputable relief effort.
Girls and boys will need items to help them pass the time while they and their families try to rebuild their lives. Children of all ages will need more than the basics of life. I will think hard about what can be done on a personal level. My first thought is, there are artists out there without a pad and pencil. I know they're just losing it. I would be.
I'd like to be connected to a family through a secure channel and send them small care packages. That will be possible later in the relief effort.
I can encourage others during this time of national and international distress. I may not speak to them concerning Biblical hope, but I can be encouraging by validating their experience and being a listening ear.
I have a commission that I'm doing for a friend. It sounded fun when she brought it up but I was also apprehensive because I don't do commission work well. It's difficult for me to translate onto canvas, a vision that isn't mine. It's even difficult for me to duplicate art that I created. If the emotion has already been put on canvas, the chances of me being able to do that work again with life and texture is all but zero. Soooo, I asked my friend if I could have free artistic reign and she said yes. I was like, oh, she has no idea what those magic words mean.
She let me loose in a candy store. She gave me a brush, took me to Hobby Lobby and said, do as you will. (eyes rolling in the back of my head)
Giving me free creative reign could be considered reckless. There was one incident when I was last given the magic words, an incident that we shall not speak of because it's still in litigation. But just like I told the judge, I didn't know that stuff was flammable. lol..... I'm kidding. ...continue reading "Hold on! She said the magic words."
When I painted little Gloria I was thinking about the production Les Miserable, about Éponine specifically. That character touches me. She loves intensely but quietly. She needs to be recognized yet she is always in the shadows. She has mastered her environment but her heart has been shielded from decay. She's rough and fragile, equally.
Good news. The painting Gloria is being packaged to travel half way across the United States to a wall waiting just for her.
Although the original has been placed, you can purchase prints from my Redbubble shop in the section for children. Please see the sidebar for the Redbubble link.
I've slept quite a bit but I'm still alive and kicking. Any weather shift can cause a change in symptoms. I got off lightly with fatigue instead of higher pain levels.
The last few days have been cooler which has brought Mary Jane back to her old self. She's back to chasing the pencil as I sketch. lol. She's back to trying to sit inside my pencil box or in front of the screen so I can't see it. The best thing is hearing her pur box on full speed.
I've yet to figure out what I want to accomplish next week. No goals have been set. I know I need to get back in my little studio, at the table with paint and paper. I've been feeling distant and hesitant to express myself verbally or in art. There's a strong feeling of inadequacy and a lack of self trust that I can see a project through without messing it up. For this reason, I've put the piece Encaustic Rise to the side.
Issues with self confidence pop up from time to time. I won't attempt to pin it to a specific event, instead, I will focus on affirmations and creative resistance. I need to squash the harsh and crushing fear that I can't paint with any measure of success .... I believe I just came up with goals for next week.