Well, that was heavy. I felt relieved after writing that story. Reading over it I'm able to see how close I stuck to reality. I'll put this to bed after I process why I said there's a reflection of me in each character in the story Tea for Christopher.
Content: Physical abuse of a young child. Processing the previous entry. No sexual abuse mentioned or discussed.
I'm primarily Christopher in the story who tries to manage the unmanageable. I had Christopher leave home just the way I did, an unplanned exit on a night of routine abuse. I couldn't do it another night, not another second. I left Feb 2, 1992 at 10:30 pm and I never went back home. I went to a hotel that evening then got up to go to work. I never went back home.
Just like with Christopher, I did watch my little brother beaten with a dowel rod. Just like in the story, he was held down with one hand by my mother and beaten with a dowel rod until he was no longer even screaming. I walked away and left him with that monster. A few days later he was removed from our home by Child Protective Services. I felt so broken by that loss.
It is safe to say, the story Tea for Christopher was triggered by what happenedthe other night outside my window.
Ruby, the mother
It's interesting that the mother wasn't given a name until about the middle of the story. I realized I kept calling her 'his mother'. I didn't think too hard about a name for her but I immediately rejected Diamond. Now, the name Ruby seems appropriate only because of the color.
Why am I the mother in the story? I see how much my life revolved around creating situations that would appease my abuser while ignoring myself and my needs. An abused child is always at the beck and call of the abuser, there is no time for anything else.
I never told her, but I apologized in my heart for being a bad daughter. Though my mother left us repeatedly (a few days tops) there was a constant threat of being sent to the orphanage where my grandfather grew up. She was neglectful in criminal ways. Abandonment issues are still a huge problem for me. ...continue reading →
The manager sent me a sugar sweet letter and a new lease to sign. I'll be in this apartment at least another year. Having that much stability, I've moved forward with the dollhouse plans.
Although the dollhouse looks the same on the outside, much planning is in the works. I've chosen carpet and wallpaper for each room and I've pulled out the box of parts to finish the roof. The roof is still going to be living succulents which I've been babying over in the plant area for a while now.
I'm combining three Greenleaf Dollhouses. These houses aren't terribly expensive. You can buy them anywhere from $22 to $999. There are a lot of options. Greenleaf offers additions for the house in the form of cheap looking furniture to a new wing on the house. They've got a lot to offer I think. ...continue reading →
Dinner is cooking and my taste buds are smiling. There's leg of lamb cooking in there. I'll eat part of the lamb tonight and save the juices for an onion soup I have in mind.
I've always eaten dinner late. I'm up until 2 or 3 am so an 8 pm dinner isn't new for me.
I do love to cook. Dr. D mentioned that I haven't made myself real dinners like I used to. He's right. I was in survival mode with my health and in crisis mode with family which saw me eating frozen dinners and cold sandwiches. That's not me at all.
I think back on my culinary training and how I felt this amazing sense of doing what I was born to do. I knew when I was 8 that food has power. Food is an awesome gift to give someone. It touches the heart, not just the stomach. I knew at age 8 what I was born to be.
For many years, some not so distant, I was troubled by the need to quit working as a chef professionally. Imagine a potter having to give up the wheel and take on a fall back profession. Imagine a rose gardener putting down his craft. It feels like a part of you has been taken. It makes you mad. ...continue reading →
Awhile ago I did an encaustic mixed media piece created with Crayola and acrylic paint. Though I liked the way it turned out I thought it might be even better toned down a bit. I decided to go back and make it less abstract. The first step was to gather all my tools.
Here are easy to acquire, household tools I used to melt wax and crayons for encaustic art. Since these are household used in encaustic painting, you will have to be careful to monitor the heat.
Small glass jar or empty aluminum tea candle
Coffee mug warmer or tea candle oil warmer
Toothpick or small scraper such as clay tools
Wax paper or Parchment paper
With those basics I was able to warm blues and greens then smooth them over the crafted canvas.
I mentioned in the original entry that the painting is on Viva Paper towels. Let me explain; the paper towels were layered with wax then gesso and Mod Podge until I had a nice surface. ...continue reading →
Well, Facebook is going to close the account I've been using for quite some time because I won't upload ID to them, however, I've had a second FB account since around 2015 that has been unused for months. I went ahead and transferred friends and groups to the 2015 account. Lets hope this is enough to satisfy FB because I don't have a 3rd account. If FB decides to close down the 2015 account then I'm off FB for good. As I changed things over, a copyright issue came up.
I made a girl mad because I told her she can't put my art on her blog without written permission and a small user fee. She said she gave proper credit. I said, the art says All Rights Reserved. She thought I was upset with her and said it's not like we're talking about Monet. I ignored her snark. She told me it was exposure. She used that word exposureas if somehow that word makes everything better. My eye is twitching right now. lol
Question. Would you be okay if a random company took your FB photo or a photo of your kid you put on your FB page and put it in their ads without telling you? You let them know that you're in business and that using your image for free is against your long stated policies. They say they can use it because they found it on the internet. ...continue reading →
Before girl's night with pizza and a movie, I cut out of here for a nature walk to the park. There were a few families there, separate from one another and weary of each other. There was an uneasiness I refused to be part of. I was there to touch the trees, to look at the bark, search for early moss and breathe.
I came home with walnut hulls that now hold early spring moss.
It was a long day and an even longer night with a still stagnant day to follow. Yesterday's activities with the girl's didn't go as well as I'd hoped because two of us weren't really in the best frame of mind to gather with others and be 'normal'. It ended badly, as badly as a joke. Two depressed girls and an artist walk into a bar.... ......bad.
The pizza was good.
This evening I opened the windows to trade out stale air for new.
I updated the Featured Art Gallery page. This month’s feature will have a color theme. Color is important in my therapy process. Since Sundrip is about the art and artist trying to thrive it only makes sense I’d have an Art Therapy Gallery and speak openly about the role art has in my healing.
The last feature spoke of the color blue and it's meaning. This feature will focus on the color orange.
Orange in art therapy or art created as therapy symbolizes fleeting courage, self doubt, ambiguity. What I mean is, I'm faced with conflicting emotions or I am going to take action but I'm not quite secure in my steps.
Orange is a color that slides back and forth between red and yellow. Red in my art therapy stands for empowerment and positive self esteem. The other side of that is yellow which is for shame and all acts of depravity. When those two collide there's a struggle to stabilize and sort out how I see myself and my situation.
I updated the Featured Art Gallery page. This month's feature will have a color theme. Color is important in my therapy process. Since Sundrip is about the art and artist trying to thrive it only makes sense I'd have an Art Therapy Gallery and speak openly about the role art has in my healing. That's scary though because I worry people will see the art has come from so deep that they won't want to hang it on their walls. I've thrown around the idea of backing off explaining some of the art as I do but that's not going to happen.
Subject: PTSD from chronic illness, suicide comments, shame, on the upturn, not feeling positive
I wonder if it's possible for a patient to have PTSD after going through several physical pain experiences? This chronic illness torture makes me want to slice myself from navel to nose and and climb right out of your skin because my mind just can't take another second of the current pain.
I fear it. I fear the next flare up. I want to say that while on the up turn from this flare that I'll take advantage of each day I have where my pain is baseline, but I don't feel all gung-ho, lets get back to life, jump in the deep end. I'm not going to jump up and down and proclaim, "I'm happy to be alive!" Excuse me if I don't celebrate surviving that. I could use some nachos but I'll skip the party. I do feel refreshed after such good sleep since Tuesday evening. I feel a lot better but.......... sigh...........I'm shell shocked......and I'm angry.
Earlier in the day I said, "I have no reason to be awake." Let me correct that please, and introduce what was done with the anger instead of internalizing it.
A reason to be irritated was that, after turning my phone to do not disturb, I still got a call from Dr. Yes who wants me to come in. I can't block his number or anyone close in my care team but I blocked most people. Sooo, tomorrow at 1 pm I need to go in. I'm like, what could he want? I though to myself, Faith, you can control the way this appointment goes by the way you speak and respond to him. You can go in there with an attitude or you can go in there with concern and desire to sit down and talk about things. I have that choice..After a short pep talk I painted. I was mad, good and mad. I don't want to see him but I also didn't want to lay in bed, facing the wall burning up inside.
This painting was calming for me. It's also another painting done in one day. I love wax art.
In addition to this piece I was able to scan 19 art pieces that will soon be in the Etsy shop.
It's funny because, when I was working I kept losing my pen. The first time I got irritated by it I was reminded of our desire to not badger ourselves. It's a pen. I mean, look at my desk, that pen could be anywhere!!! I eventually found the pen then lost it again but I didn't abuse myself, didn't talk down to myself for losing that dang on pen, or the cat !!