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1

Tonight I'm lonely. I've not slept.

I thought about grief and Mary Jane a bit. Part of me doesn't want to grieve her with any more tears. I want to celebrate her. I want to think about all the ways she was spoiled rotten, about the things she did that made me laugh and how she was the feline version of me...mouthy. Oh my gosh, Janie was a talker !!!!

When she wanted me to pet her she'd paw at my hand. I got to the point that I'd tap my finger at her paw so she'd leave me alone but she'd just sit there and stare at my hand like, pet me plllleassse.

I loved that she put the side of her face against mine when I picked her up. I loved how warm she felt and the vibration of her purr box. That's what I want to think about. I want to think about the kitty who didn't know a stranger but was sure to be obvious about not liking certain strangers. That happened three times with her. She completely ignored three different people and she was right each time. ...continue reading "Celebrating Janie"

4

March 1, 2001 - September 30, 2017
Mary Jane passed quietly this morning.  She was such a good girl.

Mary Jane AustinI could not have asked for a better feline companion

Janie and I spent twelve years together. She was tolerant of most things and up for anything. What a great personality.

The first year together was difficult because we had to break each other in. She was used to going outside but with me she had to stay inside. At first that was hard for her, and me, so I'd give in and let her out because she'd yowl and yowl until I couldn't take it anymore. Eventually she stayed inside and has been an inside cat ever since.  ...continue reading "Mary Jane Austin"

I'm holding back when it comes to posting art work other than sketchbook art. I don't know why but I feel so closed up right now and not willing to share the new stuff. I suppose I will again soon.

Janie TimeJane has good days and bad days, today is a good day. She has finished 2 of the three medications. Pets get old, get sick and they die, and that sucks. I have good days and bad days, today is a tired day.

I've got another month of dental work coming up that I'm not looking forward to. Also, there's a lump in my mouth that they need to look at closer. I wanted this dental stuff to be over with but it's not. I can tell there's damage to the nerves which has added more pain to my plate.  ...continue reading "Holding Back. More Dental Work. Blood Stream Infection."

Jane is an easy cat to treat, she really is. She'll eat just about anything you put in front of her....just about.

One item on the nutritional menu that I need to get in her to build her blood isn't that tasty to her. She's not a fan of sweet potatoes unless of course they come with a dab of junk cat food called 9 lives. Yup, I just whip a little yam with a dab of canned mess and she acts like it's not even there.

Fortunately, she will not need the nutrients in sweet taters for too long.

The vitamins she's taking in through food and Pedialyte are to boost her immune system and sustain her during this time. ...continue reading "Mary Jane is improving"

3

I feel a turning I can't stop
and the reemergence of pain I can't bear.

She looks through me, laying on the floor on a make shift pouch of blue,
her eyes are in my direction, but she looks through me.
I watch her belly rise and fall as if my own life depends on it,
because it does.
I stroke her head, travel across her frailty to absorb every ounce of pain through my fingertips
like any mother would,
just to see her baby get up again,
to see her pounce, sleep on my shoes, curl up in my favorite chair
or loudly sound the dinner bell.

I hold her close and share my warmth
as if to will her gums pink with life,
make her paws stretch open then close around my finger as before.
but she just looks through me,
spent, she looks through me.

Jane did something today she hasn't done in nearly two months. She climbed on me and licked my face until I woke. She wanted breakfast. I'm also happy to report that her gums are pink! They're pink!!!!! There's a turning in her health, one I had given up on at the writing of the above piece yesterday. I need so badly for her to recover. I said it means my life. Of course I will not die a physical death, but I don't want my connection with Jane to be severed by death. I don't want this to end. ...continue reading "When Pink is Beautiful. Long Term Health Care."

I'm frazzled, angry, afraid, exhausted. I'm nervous. I feel guilty. I feel desperate.  I want to run. I'm raw, sensitive, trigger happy. I paint. I draw and I move about the house, task to task, without a connection to anything. I'm just in limbo waiting for my girl to either get better or worse. Right now she's holding.

This is the little temporary art area I have set up. It's my dinner table but having supplies out here means I can be closer to Jane.

I work on one drawing then put it to the side and pick up another. I turn the page and do a few lines then turn the page and repeat it. I'm running from myself. My heart is desperate.  ...continue reading "My mind. My immune system."

**** Within 10 min of posting, this need has been met. THANK YOU. Deep sigh of relief!!! And honestly, a few tears. ****

Not all of us get the same information at the same time. When I moved to this apartment it took a long time for all of us to understand that we moved. The information isn't common. It's not like one knows it so we all know it. The information has to filter to each one of us which can sometimes take a while. When our dog Captain died it was about 6 months later before one particular person knew it. With Mary Jane being sick, there has been a complication because the person who is now main care giver for her didn't know how to administer one of the medications. The meds were given wrong for several days but that has been corrected. They call what I have a disorder for a reason. I don't have Dissociative Identity Order.

With the correction of medication, I've sees my furry one roll in cat nip. I've not seen that kind of movement in her in over a month. ...continue reading "Frontline Barter Request. A Great Day"

2

Mary Jane and My World
She's terribly dehydrated and anemic. She's in a compromised health condition. She's back home with me.

Sometimes there was progress because she sat beside me in bed or slept in bed with me the entire night. But there was still weight loss day after day. She's skin, fur and bones. No intestinal worms. Her gums are white. She's losing weight rapidly. She's laying around for most of the time.

My 15 lb cat now weighs 7 pounds. It is incredibly hard to watch her deteriorate so quickly.

Jane lets me hold her. She snuggles under my neck. I kiss her little head and she licks my face just once then lays back down. She doesn't know she's a cat. ...continue reading "MJ. My World. Your World."

The Hope Tea Cat found a new home in Southern Indiana.

The person that adopted the kitty cat said her apartment complex doesn't allow cats, so she adopted a stuffed cat with a pink heart nose and a little green checkered dress.

Safe travels little bear.

Hope Cat - availableKitty cat plush ornament, shelf sitter
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Media: Naturally stained cotton tea bag, poly plush, fabric for arms, fabric paint, rope tail
Size: 6 x 3 inches
Finish: No sealants, heat dried, unscented
Style: Primitive Handmade, Ornament (Hope sign for display only. Hope sign has been sold.)

On sale now are all items in the shop and items in my Available Art Galleries displayed on my website.
Use coupon code ArtForArtSale17 for 25% off your total purchase until August 4th, 2017. You can purchase through PayPal or Etsy.
I return all international shipping above $1.
Etsy shop

Faith

I'm still awake, no sleep. It was another very, very long night of pain. I keep looking at that sentence trying to understand how I got through that. I would compare it to giving birth without any assistance, on your bed. My mind goes everywhere. I mean it runs all over the place trying to hide...trying to make sense of what's happening because honestly, it's almost unreal. It's like I can't believe my body is acting like I'm on some alien horror show where it's coming out of the hosts body.

I did just about everything I could to not think about this but it caught up with me. I panicked inside. I called my therapist. I played 50 levels of my favorite match three game and I cried for about 3 minutes. I feel humiliated...and I'm hungry. I would like a biscuit. I'd like to get my hair washed. I'd like clean clothes....meatloaf sounds nice.

The pain is in the area where she messed up my spinal block.

There will be someone here soon to help with clean up.

My eyes are all swollen and my vision is fuzzy. I just want to ball up in bed and sleep.

It felt like I had seconds before going from a level 8 to level 10 pain. Every move was calculated. Pull out liners, rest, grab heating pads from under the bed, rest, have water in sight, rest. I had to stop because every time I moved I spasmed from under the breast to my knees. I tried to work out the knots I could feel in my stomach and legs. I checked the electric cords, rest.

My eye sight goes so quickly at that time. Everything becomes fuzzy. I can feel the anger rise but I don't have time for it. I only have seconds between helping myself through hell or suffering without any comfort at all.  ...continue reading "Getting to here and now"

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