Monday was one of the hardest days I've had in a while. It started off with nightmares that stayed with me for much of the day. I tried to go back to bed to start over but had yet another nightmare. Then as planned, I got myself together, got on my horse (wheelchair) and left the house despite mega pain. I went to the shoe store and cried my eyes out in the store unexpectedly. I had no idea the grief would hit me right there in DSW but it did and there I sat crying in my chair in front of people. I felt like a fool.
Later I went to the post office to send out art only to discover that it was Columbus Day, no mail. That would have been fine except I was already at my max of stress and physical pain. Then later the big worry happened, I fell. ...continue reading "Surviving to Eke out Gratitude"
Journaling until I'm blue in the face. Work in progress.
"Someone Else" in watercolor and acrylic. All work shown is on 8.5 x 5.5 paper.
"Froggie Smiles". These are photographs. I'm looking forward to scanning so these look right. This is much darker than the actual painting. I'm working on the details of all these pieces. Once I have the colors in mind it doesn't take long to finish.
This last one was created for the sole purpose of testing out new paints. It's a paint pallet sheet. Sometimes when I just need to draw but there's nothing specific to do, I draw lines on paper this way and wait to use it later to test paint or clean brushes.
I did it. I went to meet with the two people I'll write letters with for the winter project. It went very well. I had sweet potato pie and Kenyan tea.
I didn't drop a tear, didn't show anxiety too much.
We discussed topics to include in the letters and how to address some of the elderly individuals. I used my special calligraphy style pen gifted to me. 🙂
I'd already started the winter project two weeks ago when my friend got the flu. Recently I got a response from a letter. It blew me away. All it said was, "I love you. Thank you so much." That was the response I got from a home bound person who received a letter from me two weeks ago. If nothing else makes me smile, that certainly does.
I once said that what I intend to do with my training is encourage people professionally. I got laughed at when I said that. The people who get letters aren't laughing but my heart smiles thinking that I could be part of something that matters. This is part of my reason for waking up.
Spark: Fire and Water now has a wall of its own. Soon it will be safely packaged up and sent on its journey.
Spark: Fire and Water is an art journal, two page spread that was offered in my Etsy shop.
Sparks of color fly as her eyes open wide to take in and hold all that grows around her. A signature of Sundrip is to have many hidden faces and objects that are seemingly random. This journal piece most certainly has the Sundrip signature along with bold chaos in color.
What will you see in this raw, collage art? You will see fragmented flowers, hair like waves of the sea, a blue girl. You'll see lines cross, curve and circle around holding tiny human figures. Crosshatch and stripes meet checkers and poles, then bring your eye back to the girl in the middle with doodles on her lips.
The problem is that I'm embarrassed. Today will be my firs session with Dr. D after his vacation and after my closest support system has returned from Ohio. I took 2 milligrams of Klonopin about an hour ago. I think it laughed at me.
I'm going to talk to Dr. D about being fired by my general practitioner. It'll be a phone session which will be easier to say, but I'll be in his office on the 9th.
I wanted to write the old GP a letter but I'm not sure what it would say. Then I thought, write one but don't send it. Then I thought, I'm not writing a letter to a man that assisted in destroying our working relationship.
It crossed my mind very briefly to write a letter asking that he reconsider. I just got abandoned by a jerk, dropped on my head with the legal 30 day notice, but still dropped on my head. My abandonment issues have been touched. Lord knows I should have left that private practice the first time I saw him. After that appointment I never should have gone back, but desperation is a constant companion to those with a chronic illness and we put up with a lot of crap in the name of hope. Despite the fact that he was a jackass for two years, despite leaving his office in tears repeatedly, I am embarrassed that I got sacked as a patient. ...continue reading "High Anxiety Art – The Embarrassed Patient"
I have no idea how it got to be 7:30 am without a wink of sleep, but it's here and I'm wide awake. I can recount all I've done. I've been rather productive, it's just that it doesn't seem as though it should be so late.
My closest friends and biggest support system are out of town at a convention called "Don't Give Up." I so want to be there!!! I can't travel the three hours let alone sit for several hours for three days. I love that they're getting encouragement. They'll bring that back to me, but it hurts and feels as if I have been left behind. It doesn't help that my therapist is also on vacation. I have to remember that I have friends in other congregations around the city and that I'm not alone.
I can't believe I'm in the book of Revelation and will be finished with the entire Bible soon. I'm on Revelation 4 right now. Honestly, when I was a kid and read it I wasn't sure what to think. I know certain scriptures in the book but I can't say I know what to expect because of how much time has passed since I read it. ...continue reading "While They’re Away. Sketches and Bible Reading Progress."
These are recent entries in my personal sketchbook. They're mindscapes - an artists version of a CAT scan.
I've done my best to toss out the notion that I must create something beautiful. I have to stop feeling as if I must please viewers with a masterpiece or outdo myself. I have to stop thinking and let myself paint. It's been a challenge but I'm getting better.
Mindscape – 40 years in the wilderness
Mindscape – Divide and Conquer
Mindscape – The compass 1
Mindscape – The compass 2
watercolor sunflower page
watercolor sunflower page
These are photographs. When I take them out of the sketchbook I'll scan them then put them on the working wall (the wall that holds all current projects) so I can grab and do more whenever I am able.
Well, that was heavy. I felt relieved after writing that story. Reading over it I'm able to see how close I stuck to reality. I'll put this to bed after I process why I said there's a reflection of me in each character in the story Tea for Christopher.
Content: Physical abuse of a young child. Processing the previous entry. No sexual abuse mentioned or discussed.
I'm primarily Christopher in the story who tries to manage the unmanageable. I had Christopher leave home just the way I did, an unplanned exit on a night of routine abuse. I couldn't do it another night, not another second. I left Feb 2, 1992 at 10:30 pm and I never went back home. I went to a hotel that evening then got up to go to work. I never went back home.
Just like with Christopher, I did watch my little brother beaten with a dowel rod. Just like in the story, he was held down with one hand by my mother and beaten with a dowel rod until he was no longer even screaming. I walked away and left him with that monster. A few days later he was removed from our home by Child Protective Services. I felt so broken by that loss.
It is safe to say, the story Tea for Christopher was triggered by what happenedthe other night outside my window.
Ruby, the mother
It's interesting that the mother wasn't given a name until about the middle of the story. I realized I kept calling her 'his mother'. I didn't think too hard about a name for her but I immediately rejected Diamond. Now, the name Ruby seems appropriate only because of the color.
Why am I the mother in the story? I see how much my life revolved around creating situations that would appease my abuser while ignoring myself and my needs. An abused child is always at the beck and call of the abuser, there is no time for anything else.
I never told her, but I apologized in my heart for being a bad daughter. Though my mother left us repeatedly (a few days tops) there was a constant threat of being sent to the orphanage where my grandfather grew up. She was neglectful in criminal ways. Abandonment issues are still a huge problem for me. ...continue reading "Thoughts on Tea for Christopher"